Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

People like him never do the right thing. Unless it benefits them of course.

More chance of hell freezing over.

Besides he's literally told you that if you can't afford to be without him, you'll go back. Thats him telling you his plan. Listen when they do this amd act according to counteract their little games.

Be aware your landlord is probably going to turf you out down the line seen as she was weird about you claiming universal credit. Might be wise to look for another place before the months you've paid for are up because I doubt she'll extend the contract.

It was a short term holiday let out of season anyway so will be moving after why I've paid up to, I was disappointed in her reaction given she knows the circumstances

Yes I remember you saying it would be short term holiday let, so I wonder if

it has nothing to do with you being able to afford it
but
she doesn't want to be ' official ' for reasons of her own i.e. tax evasion

and if Housing Benefit / Universal Credit have been in contact with her to confirm the rent etc

then she realises she will need to disclose the weeks you are in the property

whereas she could have pretended the holiday let was empty in January etc.

I’ve only just caught up with all your posts.
You’ve done brilliantly. Separation has an emotional path a bit like a bereavement. It’s not linear, you go up and down , fall down the bloody pit of despair, climb out,tell yourself you’re ok now, then down and up again. It’s wearing, it’s tiring but it does get better. It does get easier.

Your ex is being an arsehole, he knows he’ll have to pay child support, his silly tantrums won’t go down well. Just keep pushing through cms.

Stay strong, you’re doing great.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

Well done for making the CMS Application online. Can you see if you can claim the 25% single occupancy council tax on your current accommodation - that can be done online too and take your name off the family home for council tax purposes only?

Additionally I'm assuming you are claiming child benefit into your own bank account. Take a look at
www.gov.uk/child-benefit.

You are doing so well - keep pushing forward. 🌹

"If they have to act for someone else's benefit they will make the person pay in some way". Yes! That sounds very familiar! My ex was exactly like this. Honestly, I may be jaded, but I think most if not all men are like this. Some just are nastier than others. But it's all about them winning - they have to feel they have got more than the other person out of any situation.

"It is going to really aggravate him.
He feels he shouldn't have to pay because I chose to leave and he is paying our mortgage.
We have had numerous conversations about this lately, most of which have been uncomfortable"

As he's living in the house it's entirely right, fair and proper that he pays the mortgage. And it would be very petty of him to seek to change the usual approach to splitting the proceeds of a martial home by 50/50 even if he has paid a bit more towards the mortgage overall. You will have a chance to negotiate when you get to marital agreement stage so don't worry about that now.

You didn't 'choose' to leave - his behaviour forced you to leave. He should have done the decent thing and moved out, giving you and his children a stable place to live. So get out of the mindset that you left as though you have caused this or 'owe' him anything because of that. This is all on him.

This is all bullying behaviour by him. I sense you are feeling guilty and/ or apprehensive about aggravating him. And of course it's easy for us to say 'screw him' from across the virtual airwaves - you must prioritise your and your children's safety and maximise positive outcomes for you and your children. But don't be bullied by this lowlife. His approach is to make you uncomfortable to ease his own situation. He sounds incredibly manipulative and dangerous. Hopefully not physically violent but he is definitely verbally and emotionally abusive.

You might find some support from Women's Aid helpful to navigate this and get clarity in your own head.

Women like you are incredibly inspiring. You may not feel like it at the minute but you are amazing and in the process of conquering a huge mountain which will leave you all the stronger and him even more pathetic than he already is.

Can you get a mortgage holiday? Whilst property sells and get him to pay maintenance?

It’s against the law in Scotland to fo short term let’s and to put people out for holiday let bookings.
the minimum lease in Scotland is 1yr rolling on

If Scotland based is she possibly scared of getting caught doing something wrong.
Do you have a lease , do you have her landlord registration number ?

So he received the letter yesterday from CMS and he has gone apoplectic. Called me yesterday saying I'm ruining his life and how could I do this. Had to come over here early this morning to be here for the kids and he's threatening to go self employed on Monday so he doesn't have to pay (pretty sure it doesn't work like that) calling me names etc, still adamant he doesn't have to pay and asking me to stop the CMS claim

I read your thread before and I've just read every single post of yours on the thread OP, you are utterly awesome and if I could I'd give you a massive hug. What a bastard. Please stay strong and I am so so so rooting for you here. You can do all of this. What a great woman and a fantastic role model for your DCs. 💕

And of course he has to pay, he's their fucking father!

You are doing so well. He’s really pissed off you’re taking back control. Your dcs have such a brighter future because of your actions.

Are you feeling ok? Has his latest rant rattled you or are you finding it easier now? I really hope you are.

His reaction just confirms you've made the right decision. What a horrid man he is that he thinks it's acceptable not to contribute financially towards their children

How dare you put in a claim for him to contribute towards his children?! 🙄 ‘ruining his life’?! What a knob! If he’s goes self-employed he will still have to pay, can make it easier to hide his income though.
You’re doing well, keep going!

Honestly you just have to laugh at how pathetic he is.

Thank you. I'm just tired and sick of being painted to be a bad person- by him! He so genuinely believes I am a terrible person and he is a good person, it's scary.

Every single conversation just confirms I have done the right thing.

I spent a few weeks really angry with myself for staying so long and wasting so much of my life and being so weak- a very wise friend pointed out that up until this point I just didn't have the means to leave, as soon as I did, I left and so I am now trying to be kinder to myself (even a little bit proud of myself)

Well done OP! All apoplectic, then he acts like that! Just shows, what he’s really like and what you had to put up with. How much better is your life going to be without him.
Hope he is realising, you are serious and that you aren’t going to give in!
It would have been so good, to be a fly on the wall, to see his reaction, when he opened the letter!
We are with you all the way! 😘🌸

You should be so proud of yourself, we are proud of you! 🌸

Be gentle with yourself. The slow burn of how abuse creeps in to relationships is very difficult to see when you’re in it and the gas lighting is so effective it’ll have you doubting your perception of the abuse. You wouldn’t have been able to achieve full clarity until you freed yourself and look how far you’ve come in that respect since leaving. He’s also doing you a favour in behaving like this as it just confirms you were right to leave and gives you evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t blame yourself for falling for an abuser. They suck you in, they tell you what you want to hear, then they turn the tables. You spend ages hoping for the nice person you first met to come back. Like your friend said, you left as soon as you were able. Focus on the future now.
The smear campaign against you is horrible but you know the truth. I always say my marriage had been difficult for a long time, two separate friends told me he was controlling and it started to make me question my reality (I’d bought into what he painted ‘I’m such a nice guy, I do loads for other people, I’m not appreciated’). I’d had an accident and he was doing most of the chores at home. No emotional support though. My ‘glass shattering’ moment came when he commented that he’d thought if roles were reversed I wouldn’t do for him what he’d done for me. I was horrified for a second and then a voice in my head said ‘Wait, no! That’s not true! That’s just a lie you tell yourself to justify your behaviour towards me.’ Just like that, my blinkers were off, I saw him for who he was. You’ll be in the same position I’m sure. Sounds cheesy but stand in your truth. If he says anything to other people, those who know you will believe you, those who don’t aren’t worth having anyway.

”A little bit proud” sounds a little bit too modest.

This thing you have done will be of great benefit to your children and yourself, and it took A LOT of courage and hard work on your part to make it happen. By acting this way as a role model, you will also help your own children to enforce healthy boundaries for themselves as they grow older.

He can scream / yell / shout as much as he likes - he will have to pay towards his children !

Do NOT withdraw the CMS claim !

Perhaps you could work on a phrase that would work for you and practice saying it out aloud ?

something like ' I will not engage with you whilst you are being abusive to me '
I am very sure someone will be along that could phrase it better / make further suggestions.
and have a phrased text ready too

Are you married ? If so have you begun divorce proceedings yet ? Yes I know ! something else to add to your to do list :)

He really is showing his true colours.

CMS will use his last P60 for their calculation

If he now goes self-employed it is pretty clear why- document everything!

Mine really resented having to pay what CMS calculated, rather than his arbitrary self-decided amount. I don't think it ever occurred to him that he should be financially supporting his children. Lord knows he has been fairly crap at any other type of support for them!..

What is it with these men?

OP you are amazing, I have said it before and I shall say it again. Hold strong, you have seen the real him. Life will be immeasurably better now tou have made that move.

Of course he believes he's a great guy and you're mad/evil. But if you're so terrible, why does he keep asking you to go back to him?

Luckily, his opinions matter less than a gnat's fart in a hurricane. Let him think and say what he likes. As a PP said, see it through the lens of him trying to justify his own behaviour. To him, you HAVE to be the villain, otherwise he'd have to have a good long look at himself and there's no way he's going to do that, is there.

So let him have his nasty mantrums. If anything, they're proof that you did the right thing in leaving the tight-fisted dickwad.

And anyone who gets angry about being expected to help feed and clothe their two very young children has exposed themselves as being a true weapons-grade thundercunt.