Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

"it’s a bad day, not a bad life" 💯

There's a thing called Fading Effect Bias. Basically the scientific version of looking back with rose tinted glasses. As time passes, negative memories tend to fade more than positive ones. So we end up thinking something wasn't as bad as it was.

You have possibilities ahead of you. Only limitations if you go backwards. But if the living situation is unbearable you should talk to the ex about moving back into the marital home for your and the kids sake - and him moving out!!

Don't give up now. The worst is mostly behind you in terms of chaos and emotions. Try to go out in the woods/green space to get some calm and perspective. Listen to the Feeling Good podcast by David Burns - pick any episodes from the last two years you like the title of.

Oh, OP, I wish I could give you a hug. You’ve come so far. Please remember that. X

Hi OP, I'm going through similar and just wanted to say I get it. There are days when I wonder WTF I've done, think I was unhappy before, am unhappy now, just as you say.

BUT on a day like today I can see that this is a transition (it's recent for me too), this isn't the end point. This is the hardest bit, and I just need to get through it and not turn back, like going through a dark wood to reach the light, peaceful place on the other side. I'm not saying everything will always be OK on 'the other side', but I'll have made it through, I will know I can live my life without someone always belittling me, undermining me, making me feel like I am so much less than I am.

It's hard but I can do it -- I'm trying to make this my mantra. On some days it doesn't feel possible - a sick bug will do it! - but on other days it does, and I try to carry those days with me, into a better future. You can do this, and it will be worth it.

I've been following this thread since the start because you are one of my heroes for doing what I want to do but am too scared to do. I've done lots and lots of reading on abusive arseholes and the brave women who leave them and a common theme from these amazing women like you, are that it gets worse before it gets so much better.

You are less than 4 months into the process of splitting from your abuser and from other people's stories I've read, the first year after the split will be hell, much worse than staying in the relationship. But, after that first year, life improves drastically and these rock star women like you embrace their new wonderful lives and the only regret they have is staying with their abuser as long as they did.

You are rocking it, hang on in there. I hope to be as brave as you soon.

' Ex would have been useless and a pain and probably slept through it all but at least would have been some help in the day with older child. '

but

this is the same Ex that is too busy to see one of his children during the child's birthday weekend !

' Unlikely to be able to buy anywhere now so will have to pay stupidly high rent. '

Is the house actually on the market ? is it having viewings ?
Has he got his mortgage through - the mortgage application that YOU helped him with !
Is he buying you out of the house or not ?

Things really ought to be moving on with the house, you left on 1st Jan and we are now near the end of March.

' This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down '

Yes it is, yes you are
but YOU DID IT - you found that strength to do it !!!

and it does get better !

You are upset you didn't get the rental you wanted, the agent / landlord chose a couple earning less - and yes I can see why, as if one loses their job there is still the other person, but hopefully it is for the best and the next place you like better...

God op tomorrow is a new day. Don’t give up finishing what you started.

This man was so selfish, greedy and thoughtless towards you.

please don’t go back you would regret it - I’m not sure what is happening with the house because I thought you were moving back in there?

thats another example of his ahole ishness- he could have moved out and let you and the girls move in there - you know for once show some kindness and thought towards his children? But no of course not

Are you still getting maintenance from him?

remember this is only temporary amd you will feel better as you adjust. Also enjoy your time with the new man he is a good distraction imo and after all you have endured you deserve a little fun!

I've made it through the day, youngest has stopped being sick and eaten- is asleep and not sure whether to wake them up or just see how bad the night is. Managed to arrange a play date for eldest, who hasn't been sick and seems unaffected.

Got the house tidied and cleaned, ordered a food shop to be delivered and had a bath. Have tackled most of the washing.

Ex is planning on buying me out but keeps messing up the application- which I have helped with.

Didn't pay me maintenance last week but turned up today with cash 🙄

New guy is blowing a bit hot and cold, which I think might be because he's being sensitive to my situation but in all honesty it's massively making me insecure.

Have found a flat to move into, it's overpriced and not exactly what I wanted but it's in a good area and has a beautiful sunny garden and they have agreed to me renting it- so that's a relief.

I'm going to take a couple of days off work and just try and get some rest. I'm so exhausted by the last few months. It's all catching up with me.

Thank you all for your kind words and support xx

Is Ex deliberately messing up his applications ?!!!

and why does he want to keep the house ? to spite you ? to keep on to the ' happy ' memories there ? coz he can't be bothered to move ?

You’re doing a great job. Keep going forward; never backwards.

Because he can't be bothered to move and his parents have offered to buy my out- he never liked that house in the first place!!

So I guess the house isn't on the market, and he just needs to get his finger out and get that mortgage sorted !

you might need to force the situation soon by putting the house on the market as you are due your share and its taking a long time coming due to his incompetence.

and I guess you are moving soon ( 1st April ? ) and have a 6 month tenancy - or a year ?

I have left the house on the market until he gets things sorted, but not having viewings at the moment.
My new tenancy starts in May for 12 months. So I have a little time before I move again

Look forward to moving into your new home! I’m sure it will be lovely in the summer months, and you can enjoy it knowing how far you have come.

Good news that your youngest has stopped being sick and hopefully your eldest has avoided it.

Hopefully your X will start behaving like an adult and not a child, and realise things aren’t going to change!

Well done, have a few days rest and be nice to yourself.

You have a number of people from MN on your side and here to support you. 😘🌸

Tbh OP a sick bug is the absolute worst. I feel for you and hope it has sodded off. No wonder you've been stressed to hell and back. Keep on keeping on. You've achieved a phenomenal amount in a short time so give yourself huge credit ☺️It takes quite a while for the ex drama constant thrum to quieten. That's the best way I can describe it. When you have dc together you can't totally get rid of it but it lessens over time. I hope the dc sleep well and you do too. We're all here for you x

New guy ended it - by text today.
I was up sick all night and had two sick kids here today. Couldn't have been worse timing, feeling irrationally heartbroken and rejected.

I honestly don't know how I'll ever get through all of this.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

New guy would have been more sensitive to wait until your illness had passed, but at least he is direct and you know where you stand, and now you can go back to focussing on the essential which is getting your equity out of the house and moving into your new place.

When you sort your own life out you will attract a different (ie better) calibre of guy.

And you have made so much progress so far in what, less than 3 months?

I see no reason to doubt that you will sort your life out. It mightn’t feel like it at the moment but you have already largely completed the most difficult step.

You will, forget about new guy and focus on yourself, you are more powerful than you think coming all this way on your own.

The new guy was just a plaster to stick over the wound from your last relationship, a distraction from new stress in your life, someone to inflate your ego and to offer you companionship as you adjusted to life alone. Realistically it had very little chance of working given how newly single you are. He’s done you a favour. I know it won’t feel like that now though as you’re likely processing the end of two relationships, as now you actually have to sit with the feelings about the end of your last relationship, as well as dealing with the new feelings brought about by this rejection. Only sitting with all those feelings will allow you to heal though so it’s better to do it now. It will get easier. In the mean time just take each day as it comes.

Have a big unmumsnetty hug.

New Guy can do one. He isn't worth of your thought.

Glad the sickness is easing, what a nightmare.

That is good news about the rental.

Ex needs to get his finger out, but you know that. He is still thinking only of himself. Speaks volumes.

I am full of admiration for you. This is not easy, but you and your children will come through it so much happier.

Keep bloody going xx

Ach OP I am sorry. You will get through this. Don't give defeatist thinking a second thought when you have come this far through the shit tunnel! You are a warrior and every shitty thing you face only makes you stronger.

Check out the 'Things I cannot be arsed with anymore' thread. It's a sweary, irreverent thread on all the stuff we women do for no obvious reason other than being 'expected to' and a welcome reminder to give fewer fucks in life. Some of the posts are truly hilarious and a good laugh is always good medicine.

New guy was definitely a distraction and sticking plaster, in hindsight it was a bad idea and I got way too invested too quickly, he had all sorts of promises for the future and it was never really going to work. He has done me a favour ending it but it doesn't stop it hurting,

I've been trying to just power through everything and I think it's all caught up with me.

I guess you can't rush things and you can't skip the hard bits of getting over things. As much as you can try,

I'll be ok. Right now I can't see it but I do know I will be ok eventually

Sorry to hear that op but you said you had taken a step back from him
etc and maybe he realised he was not what you needed right now

Is there a reason your ex is not paying maintenance through the CSA?

And just handing it to you

Off topic but can you link to this thread please?