Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

So proud of you. Keep going. It will be the best decision of your life. Don’t listen to a word he says to you.
Here’s to your new happy, calm life

Please just find that last bit of strength and sign for your rental OP, you will feel so different once you're away from him, you really will have no idea how much energy he is sapping from you until you're away from him and the weight lifts. I know the final push to leave is hard, and terrifying, but the alternative is more of the same so the next time you want to leave you will be even more worn down. Once you're in the new place you can figure out what's next without him filling up your head space and depleting your mental reserves, those decisions will come easier when you have some peace.

You've got this.

Make sure you have all your important documents in a secure place (birth certificates, passpoets, bank info etc) You may also need your marriage certificate for divorce proceedngs.

Check turn2us.org.uk to see if you can get any financial help. Put in a CMS claim. Initiate divorce proceedings.

The first thing I felt on separating from my abusive ex-H was relief. Getting shot of him took forever as he stalled the process, however it was worth every second and penny spent. Life is so much better and happier without him. You can do this. 💪 I, for one, am cheering you on.

Oh my what have l just read…?

like a PP said, he was clearly doing this to intimidate you. You were in the bath for Christ sake and he was clothed…he made you feel vulnerable!

I am glad that you have people in RL. But, why are you down playing his behaviour? Why are do you feel embarrassed?

Abuse thrives on secrecy and embarrassment. Open up and get talking. You may find that they can help you get out quicker.

As an aside I would

Lock the bathroom door
Be out of the house with your DC over the weekend, could you stay the weekend anywhere?

What are you doing for Xmas?

I'm here to hold your hand too.

The only thing that will outweigh the pain of going is the pain of staying. If you stay you’ll find your self esteem and sanity slowly taken bit by bit until you question if it’s all in your head and think that even if it’s not you won’t find/don’t deserve better. You’ll be living a half life, settling. If you leave it will be scary and hard at times and there will be difficult days but ultimately the sense of freedom and relief will be overwhelming. You’ll rebuild the foundations of your self esteem and gain new clarity about who this man really is. That will assist you in fighting to get what is yours financially, although you might find that once he understands he cannot control you he grows less interested in keeping possession of the family home.

He cannot choose to not sell. You need to force the sale. I believe you can self represent. Post in legal on here. Or repost under the title ‘experience forcing a sale when ex refuses?’

Put in writing via text that you want to sell the house as you are no longer together. Ask him when can it be valued. Pay for legal advice if you want to know the full ins and outs but then self represent. The judge wont say he gets to keep it, you own it 50/50 so force it.

Tell him you know he’s a good man and is a good father too and you are sure he will act with integrity and honesty through this difficult time as he wants the best for his kids. Say you would hate the maintenance to be too much so you will go through CMS to ensure it’s legal and fair for him. You will ask to reassess each year in April when he gets his P60 as you want it to be legal and fair.

Sounds like he is all about the money btw. His concerns are house and maintenance. Greedy chap.

Yes, do seek legal advice. You may not be in a position to buy him out, or he you, but the house can be sold and the equity shared so you can both start again. Please do that. Good luck.

Well done for staying strong so far, OP. I was in your situation around five years ago. He pretty much did the same thing and it was an emotional rollercoaster - he promised he would change, told me he loved me etc but when I reflected on the years previously I knew his words were just that, words.
I stayed strong with some support from close friends and family. I don’t think I ever told those close to me the full extent of what I had lived through because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I focused on the end result and that was to find myself again. I’d spent years on egg shells managing my own emotions and feelings around his, meeting his needs but not my own.
I am now in a position where I have my own house. It took me a while to get here and make it a home but I did it. It’s just me and my children and I believe we are much happier as a result.

My advice to you is to stay strong and focus on the end goal from this situation, put your blinkers on and don’t let anything deter you. If you don’t feel you can fully open up to your support network, try writing down in notes on your phone how you’re feeling and offload that way. Best of luck, OP! Keep going, it’s a long road ahead but focus on the goal taking one small step at a time.

Well done for standing up to him. How dare he come in the bathroom when you are naked and vulnerable. Tell him if he really loves you, he would move out so that you and the kids can have the house.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter please take full legal advice on the house situation as you're not married. I ended up managing to get my house sold (I'm in England) but I basically had to befriend my ex and thankfully his parents were a driving force.

Otherwise I couldn't do much once I had moved out. There is no divorce to force a sale and to take him to court to force a sale is quite hard when your joint tenants/tenants in common. You had to prove he's refusing to sell rather than just dragging his feet. I can't remember the ins and outs as I was a mess but I ended up kissing his arse for a long time to get that house gone. At one point I was going to move back in with him but live separately.

Once you are moved out, definitely get legal advice re the house. I don't think he can refuse to sell because you own 50% of it. And that money will be vital for your future.

Have that conversation whilst you're naked in the bath is bully tactic, to make you feel vulnerable, and another good reason to be leaving him.

Firstly don't take anything he says as the truth.

Leave, you'll get lots more perspective once you have space.

He has to pay maintenance, there's a calculator on the gov website, use this and then claim via CMS when you've left

Take legal advice and kick off getting the house sold. He cant stop this. Could you buy him out?

OP stay strong and move out. I was in your position and what you posted about him coming into the bathroom and invading your private space is exactly what my ExH would do when we were in that 'inbetween' place of knowing I was leaving but hadn't left yet. I can't over-emphasise the peace of mind and absence of mental and emotional turmoil that will come from closing your door at night and knowing that space is yours alone.

There's lots of good advice on her about maintenance and the martial home. For now focus on that first step of moving out. You can do this and I promise in years to come you'll look back and be so proud of yourself that you did.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

Here is the link to the CMS Calculator OP

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/private-arrangement

Also remember to claim child benefit, paid into your own personal bank account:

www.gov.uk/child-benefit

That will give you national insurance credits, which will count towards your state pension

Also remember you can claim 25% discount on your council tax when you are not living with him.

These should all help towards your finances. Citizens Advice are a good place to get advice and/or look at www.entitled to.co.uk.

Also I agree with other posters - his aim in talking to you whilst you were trying to have a bath and not giving you any privacy was to intimidate you. This is very negative behaviour in order to force you to question your decision and change your mind. Keep your goal at the forefront of your mind to help you leave and log his behaviours to you (keep this diary somewhere safe, where he can't see it) so you can reread whenever you feel yourself wobble. Stay strong - you can do this. 🌹

He is trying to play you and pull at your heart strings.

I'd get out to your new place and then access support and advice. You can also do a CMS calculator. Be prepared for him to suddenly be out of work though.

You can do this !!!!!!

The bathroom scenario is so telling about the situation in general, the sooner you get out of there the better. You'll feel so much stronger and more capable of seeing this through without him manipulating you, believe me I have been there.

Also, someone with a clear conscience doesn't need to accost you in the bath to tell you they're not a bad person. You don't need to keep trying if you don't want to, because "I don't want to" is a good enough reason.

Keep your eyes on the goal, you can do it, it's entirely possible and the rest of your life is waiting, without sounding too naff, it really is.

Also, try to draw on your professional experience, and deal with this like a business transaction. You're now in the business of ending your marriage contract, and the business of raising your children. That's it. Use what you've got and turn your skills to this, you can do it.

You're so brave - I wish I'd been as brave as you when I ended my marriage 7 years ago instead I gave into things I shouldn't have. I wish you every happiness for the future xx

You can do this.

It is hard, and painful - been there, got some scars. Leaving a controlling, belittling long term partner is like pulling yourself out of quicksand.

But it is SO WELL WORTH IT - for your kids as well as you.

Ps - my best moment was moving into my rental.

Top Tip - vow now to never let him over the threshold. I made that mistake - the habit of him thinking he could barge into anything anywhere to show his ownership was too strongly embedded in both of us. I should have thought ahead and when he arrived to pick up the kids made it clear he wasn’t coming in, or have arranged to drop them somewhere (he wouldn’t tell me where he was moving to, and forbade the teenage kids from telling me, although how he thought he was going to keep that a secret I really don’t know, what a tosser).

Put a lock on the bathroom door now too, and use it.

You know you are doing the right thing.

Sometimes doing the right thing can be hard, but it's still the right thing.

For the shortterm pain, the rest of your life will be wonderful. The alternative is to avoid the short term pain, and accept being abused and unhappy for the rest of your days.

Stick to your guns. He's obviously going to try to reign you back in. It's in his interests for you to stay. He is thinking of himself 100%. You need to think of yourself and DCs... and that means leaving that vile man.

Don't take anything he says at face value. I assume he isn't a lawyer or financial specialist, and he will say things to try to scare you into staying. Take professional advice, and base your decisions on that alone. Don't discuss anything with him unless you have to. Treat him as a housemate in the meantime. And that includes him not walking in the bathroom while you're in the bath.

I did it 21.5 years ago from a disastrous 2nd marriage and it was the best thing I ever did.
I remember walking round my safe home singing "we've got a little world of our own"!
It was so very hard, but so very worth it.
We're all here, holding your hand.

Deposit paid and just awaiting contract 😬
He is out for the 5th night in 7 days- drinking and with friends.
This is the right decision and I am counting down the minutes to be out of here.
Thank you all for your advice, requested to see my solicitor again asap

Stay strong. We are all with you.