Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

You are amazing OP! And you snd your children will be the better for your choice to leave in years to come.

Just to echo the others - you are fantastic OP! He is scum. And absolutely do not feel bad about any of your decisions like not leaving sooner. This is all on him. Hearing that you are pushing through this is so inspiring. I wish every possible success for you and hope that you will look back on all of this someday from a beautiful place and smile at what you have achieved in the face of this lowlife.

Unfortunately this kind of behaviour is pretty standard for men - trying every nasty tactic in the book to get what they want, which is invariably some very selfish outcome - they bully, coerce, force, pretend to be nice, etc. And will flip between tactics in a chaotic way when they're really desperate.

I fear oftentimes even mens' decisions relating to their children are driven by shallow, selfish motives. Wanting to keep money for themselves or be seen as good fathers by others etc. It's rarely if ever about doing something selfless. And men are often incapable of (or too lazy to bother) putting themselves in other people's shoes. They lack the kind of empathy that women innately have.

I hope you've found somewhere to live? Can you say which country/ part of the UK you are in?

They all go crazy when faced with paying for their own children. Absolute joke. Like he say just strengthens your resolve to continue with this, he’s an arse. He’s having the children what 1 day overnight so sorry he needs to pay for his kids. It is difficult if he’s solely paying the mortgage but you’re paying a lot more in rent. All the more reason to sell up and he can buy something smaller as he is going to be responsible for paying for his kids.

Yes be proud OP.

Despite what he did and how he made you feel over a long period, you gathered your strength, got resources together and started afresh with two children.

Against the odds you did it as soon as you were able!

Im so glad you have put the CMS claim in. As others say, he could go self employed tomorrow, but judges have seen that and it will be based upon his last P60

As for 'he is paying the mortgage

well he is living in the house by himself. And you are paying rent. so 2 houses being covered by 2 parents. He had better hope that the house sells quickly then. Or he could pay rent to you on the half you own?

and he was always going to go mad, because this is him losing control. And people higher in authority holding him to account and making him do what THEY say. In his mind, telling YOU what to do is his job. Men like this really dont like being tol;d what to do

Yes thats a good point about him living in a house that OP half owns. He is paying the mortgage, so that might be considered a decent alternative to him paying OP rent for her half. But means that the final proceeds should definitely be split at least 50/50 (I'd argue for a larger share to go to OP in recognition she is doing the bulk of the childcare).

I suspect getting him to see this will be an uphill struggle but hopefully a solicitor will put him right. Hopefully he doesn't block or delay the house sale. Unfortunately I have heard of men doing awful things to devalue houses and put buyers off when they want to stay.

I think he is as keen to sell as I am now he knows it's over completely.
He has actually now paid me maintenance - backdated to when I left! (At a lower rate than CMS agreed but I'm ok with that)

I just want to move on and be happy. I've had a taste for how life can be and will never go back.

The children are so much calmer and happier now we are separated. I'm very proud of them!

You are great OP! Be proud of yourself too!

Once the house is sold you need to insist he pays the CMS rate, it's the legal MINIMUM so unless he's going halves on school costs, all clothes and activities don't take less for a quiet life. Preteens are hugely expensive and you need some money in the kitty for that.

You're amazing OP and an all out fab mum too. I'm so happy for you.

Might be worthwhile to secretly record conversations with him. Would have been handy to have proof he was threatening to try avoid paying for his kids. Even just letting certain calls go to your answering machine. Eg: 'he's probably going to get the cms letter this week so I'll let all his initial calls go to answer machine incase he kicks off, then I'll have a record of it'. Times when you're sure he's going to lose his shit, put it to voicemail and save the messages. Re-record them if need be if there's a time limit for saving them. Never know when it might prove useful. Eg, if he starts to harass you.

This is a good idea. Use voice memos on your phone. Some people will say this is unethical, violating his privacy etc. And it is a bit, but him lecturing you while you sat naked and crying in the bath was far worse. You may never use it but it might even just help give you perspective and remind you how awful he is by listening back later when you're not with him.

How have you been the last couple of weeks ?

I've been a bit all over the place, lots of pressure from ex to sort his mortgage etc. I've pushed back and he's been pretty frustrated but he needs to get things sorted for himself!!

Kids seem to be settling into the new normal pretty well and I'm feeling more on top of things some days and less on others.

I've had a few moments of 'what have I done' as financially I'm taking such a hit at the moment, the debt is making me anxious and after May we don't have anywhere to live... I've been on a mission arranging viewings for longer term rentals.

I've also 'met someone' kind of, not sure if it's all too soon, it's someone I knew before who has been really supportive, he's lovely, but it all feels a bit complicated and a bit overwhelming.

Thank you so much for checking in.

Is the house on the market ?
He needs to sort his own mortgage he no longer has you to do things, he's a big boy now !

You are doing so well, of course some days you wonder what on earth have I done but you have done it and it can only get better ! It's 2 months today ! well done !

and wow ! maybe it's the right person in the right place at the right time, maybe not but there's no hurry and everything usually works itself out. worse case scenario - you have a supportive friend in a time of need, baby steps and just take it day by day and enjoy.

You are doing so well! You are getting, on with your life.

Hopefully this new person is just want you need to support you and help you achieve what you set out to do. Take care, we are all behind you. 🌸

You are doing so well! The first year is full of firsts: grinding, surreal, absurd, exhilarating. You will find your new normal and your new happiness!

You’re doing great. Well done on sticking firm with your ex. He’s a big boy, he’ll have to learn to take care of himself now. In terms of the new man if it feels overwhelming then communicate that and if he’s the right man he’ll give you space or take it at whatever speed you need to.

The thing i found hard was the first "times", so first birthday without him, kids birthdays without him etc, it does make you ponder and wallow a bit and brings your mood down.

I split with ex after 20+ years as he was very selfish and had an EA with my friend. We struggled on for 3 years and i couldnt forgive him as it turns out. He was very much like your ex, crying, anger, kindness etc, it was exhausting to live with. He refused to leave the house but did eventually. He left me and moved in with the woman he had the EA with.

I too met someone not long after leaving Ex, I say met but we have known each other for over 30 years, and he is my biggest supporter and nearly 18 months later we are still together and very happy.

Still following your progress with interest and awe OP. You're doing great!

Now to be the devil's advocate - be very careful with this new relationship.

You are probably still too fragile to be completely of sound mind and you are very vulnerable to being taken advantage of at the moment. Or to falling into another toxic relationship because you haven't had time to fully identify and process the lessons from last one. Vulnerable women attract predatory men. I imagine your ex was also lovely at the start.

The first flush of attraction is the best feeling ever, but it blinds us to reality. Ask yourself all the tough questions. Especially if my challenging seems jarring- if it does that's a flag in itself. You should want to probe this new relationship and properly stress test it.

What's his track record? Why is he so keen now? Could he see the chance to be with you because you give more than you take?

But also good luck because I really do hope everything works out well for you!

Very well done! just a word of caution, newly single, vulnerable women are like catnip to certain kinds of men. Beware potential cocklodgers, lovebombers and men just looking for easy, no strings shags.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

I've also 'met someone' kind of, not sure if it's all too soon, it's someone I knew before who has been really supportive, he's lovely, but it all feels a bit complicated and a bit overwhelming.

Careful - I'd out another potential on the back burner for now and, if he truly is a supportive person, he'll agree to back off a bit until you truly are ready. You have enough on your plate already without causing yourself more complications for now. 🌹

The house is on the market but ex is now saying he wants to buy me out- although he wants me to sort all the paperwork etc 🙄

I'm still just feeling like I'm running on adrenaline, and not quite getting the eating / sleeping / working / parenting balance yet.

The new guy is nice. But I don't think I'm ready, it's lovely when we are together but after I just feel anxious. It's not that he's done anything wrong, I just think I'm not in the right frame of mind.

It's been nice to be taken out, listened to and desired but I'm in no rush. It's been a nice distraction but I think maybe I need to pull back a bit

Maybe you feel anxious because your gut gets the measure of him even though he seems nice.

Think of it this way op, would you want to date someone who had literally just split up with a long term partner?

It's weird.

Best case scenario he's looking for a bit of fun. Worst case scenario he's an abuser. Abusers are drawn to ppl who've just left shit relationships.

I guess this guy already knows you but, never tell men your ex was abusive in the dating stages. Abusive men will hear 'I've taken abuse before do will again' and pursue all the harder.

It's so common for people to get out of one abusive relationship and fall straight into another. Because they think 'he's so different to my last ex'. Because he seems warm and attentive and you've been missing that. But then in time the mask falls and you see they're actually another wolf in sheep's clothing. But you can't seem to leave because part of you thinks that if this has happened a second time to you, it must somehow be because something us wrong with you. And they play on that insecurity.

Now maybe he is nice. But logically...I wpuld think anyone sniffing around someone who's just got single from a bad relationship...probably isn't as nice as they seem.

Or at the very least, isn't emotionally healthy. Because why would you date someone who's not even had time to process their past relationship and probably has things to work through themselves first?