Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

Bloody hell your ex is such a manchild. Most of them are of course. Can he really buy you out or is it just a pipe-dream? Will he later claim he can't pay maintenance because he has large house bills/ mortgage payments. Don't help him if that's a possibility because he'll say 'you helped me buy you out so you can't complain now when I don't pay you what you're owed in maintenance'.

And re the relationship- if you can fiercely draw boundary lines ensuring you get exactly what you want from it with no compromises, then crack on. But that's hard for women. We're people pleasers, even when it's to our own detriment. If you feel you are compromising yourself in any way, get the hell out.

Hi OP, just catching up on your thread. I commented at the very beginning and this is the first time I've seen it in Active since.

I don't know you but I'm so proud of you and what you've achieved. It will be tough for a while as you get yourself sorted but one day in the near future you'll look back at everything that has happened and be amazed at yourself. You did it! You've freed yourself and you've freed your DC from growing up in an emotionally and financially abusive household. Bloody well done!!

Personally I'd keep the new guy as a friend for now. It's still very early days and everyone exiting a long relationship should spend some time on their own, adjusting to the new normal, before moving on again. If new man is worthy then he'll be willing to wait.

I hope all goes well with the next move, and that your house sells quickly so that some finances are freed up for you. Onwards and upwards!

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them.

I totally understand the advice to be cautious and hold back from the new guy.

Thing is, I have been so unhappy and so lonely for so long I just want to get on with it. (I know this probably isn't the best idea and absolutely know the risks- I'm just being honest as it's an anon forum!!)

Work is hectic, the kids are hectic and the break up with all the technicalities, finance and logistics to sort is absolutely draining. Once a week or so, when the kids aren't around it's just so nice to be spoilt and cared for and complimented.

But I do absolutely agree I need to avoid moving or falling too fast, or getting carried away.

I need to find my feet alone before I can really get involved with anyone else

Totally your decision with regards to the new man. I left my 20 + year relationship and started seeing DP after a couple of months. We have known each other for 30 years so I knew him already.

i took is slowly and carefully and looked out for red flags, and we are still together and it’s going well. To be honest OP is was so bloody nice to have someone 100% in my corner, no split loyalties, no divided opinions, just totally on my side, he listened to my rants and fears and mopped my tears when ex was being a dick with regards to DD. His support got me through the worst of it. Maybe just enjoy it for what it is.

OP you are doing great. Just take your time with new man and enjoy it. Lots of people will tell you it's too soon etc. They are probably right, but I left my emotionally abusive exH and met my current DP 7 months later. He was everything I needed and like @HeChokedOnAChorizo it was so good to have him on my side. Being looked after for once was such a big thing for me.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter - I found your post as I was scrolling, read from the start back in 2023 till your recent posting.

I bloody well take my hat off to you, as hard as it has all been, you have battled through and made a better life for yourself and your children.

Everyday something will crop up but you deal with it. A property will turn up for you and the children.

Regards the new guy, enjoy being taken out, complimented. You are bound to fill anxious and over analysing the guys actions. You have been treated badly for a long period of time this is all you know

You make sure to take the reins and see this guy as often or as little as you want to.

All the very best to you and your children. Keep posting, mumsnet is here to give you the support you deserve 🌻

He needs to sort his own paperwork out to buy you out as they are forms specific to him and his finances and legal bits. You will then be sent specific forms to sign. I bought my ex out and it was all down to me to sort. He needs to grow up. You're doing amazingly well OP. Keep on keeping on 😊

Totally ageee with @twohotwaterbottles , he needs to sort stuff out himself. He can't keep relying on you, or you're not really splitting up, are you? And when do you stop doing his life admin for him? Because you will have to at some point. Best draw that line now.
You have done SO well to get to this point, after everything he's put you through - by asking you to sort forms and stuff he's still trying to maintain some sort of control over you.
Don't feel guilty about telling him no (a very hard no) just remember when he told you nobody else would have you (he was clearly wrong about that!) how your family didn't care - all those things. Honestly? Having to save up to go on maternity leave??!!
You are soooo much better off without him.
You have got this and even though I've member met you, I am incredibly proud of you.
Woman power!!!!

Has he retained his own solicitor? If you each have your own solicitor (you can't share one, it's a conflict of interest) the process will be more expensive, but the process is likely to be much smoother.

The house is part of the settlement - how the marital pot is divided between you is negotiated between you, hopefully through your solicitors (one for each of you), and then signed off by the Family Court.

Mine represented himself, and caused hold-ups by not understanding the process properly. I had to take him to court, but you can reach agreement without having to go that far. Get your solicitor to explain the process to you.

I agree with @Dexterrolledoffthesofa about the need to end your relationship and both be clear that a new situation exists- you are no longer together and instead are now simply co-parents. You're probably way ahead of your ex in this - not just because you've got a new love interest but because you're looking forward. Your ex seems to be clinging on. Maybe thinking consciously or subconsciously that you are both still in a dependent relationship of sorts. It's not your responsibility to educate him about how to adjust to the new situation, but you need to set clear boundaries. Doing his paperwork would only blur a line which needs to be crystal clear for your own sanity!

Yes they do have a tendency to circle around like vultures for new lease single and vulnerable women

Just a little update, I'm viewing a long term rental I have my heart set on tomorrow, really hope it's as good as it looks / equally hoping it doesn't go before I get to view it!

New guy has been lovely and really understanding, not seen him for a week or so, and no plans with him until next week but nice to chat with him and he has been so supportive and thoughtful with everything going on.

I did help with ex's mortgage application, things have been relatively amicable.

DC5 is asking a lot of tricky questions- I think it's all starting to sink in now the novelty has worn off. I'm finding this difficult to navigate and painful.

Younger DCs birthday is coming up and ex has planned to work the whole birthday weekend and I'm feeling a bit sad about that, but in all seriousness, not sure I expected anything other than him being awkward and absent.

He has been having them regularly and making the effort with them though.

Work is insanely hectic, it's keeping me distracted.

Main feeling now is impatience, sadness and hope in equal measures. I spent so long fantasising about leaving and taking control of my life, I think I expected to feel so good so quick and it's been much more complex and draining than I anticipated. But I'm getting there, still struggling to get into a new routine and find balance but there have been some beautiful yet tiny moments where I have just felt overwhelmed with happiness at my new found freedom, and I'm working really hard on loving myself and getting my confidence back after years of feeling inadequate and weak.

Thank you all for your support x

Good luck with the house

Oh best of luck! Please let us know how it goes. I hope the property is yours and you can move soon. That will make a huge difference!

Viewing was good, I think I'm not the only one who wants it- we will see!

Your positive attitude will get you wherever you want to go.
I know it’s hard, but you are doing amazing

Yes big changes can be frustratingly slow to fully take effect can't they. Radical changes seem to deserve instant results, but we need time to adjust and settle before we can fully process the past and the new reality properly. It's the old forming, storming, norming, conforming, performing story.

Those little bits of overwhelming happiness- that's JOY! And having joy in your life means you are on the right path!

Perhaps this is also a good time to drop in the old NAMALT. Often used malevolently on here by misogynistic women to defend men's darker sides, but also worth remembering there is some truth in it when you need to focus on optimism.

You've been through enormous change OP. It takes longer than you think to feel settled and truly yourself again but like you say, there are chunks of woo hoo already. That's huge progress. With my two DC I was calm and consistent with my explanations. Not loads of detail. Just be you. Warm, loving and caring. They are resilient and will be fine. Kids just want to understand and reconcile it in their minds in their own way. Remember what an amazing mum you are. You've taken a brave step to ensure they don't grow up with a warped view of what love and relationships are. That's huge. They will have questions and emotional days like we all do. Cuddles and silliness on repeat. I hope the rental works out OP. ❤️

It has only been a few months, no wonder it is still overwhelming at times. But you should be proud of yourself, of what you have achieved.

Hope you get the house viewed, and that will be another big step on your achievements

We are always here, to give our support and hopefully encouragement. 🌸😘

Looks like I won't get the place I viewed at the weekend, letting agents have outright told me they put forward a young professional couple with no children despite them having a lower combined income than me!
Back to searching right move hourly!

I am a little bit too disappointed. I could just really do with good news

Bollocks. Sorry to hear that OP. But what's for you won't go by you. So that must not have been the right place and something better will definitely be along shortly. x

Fingers crossed that the next one works out.

It's been a rubbish few days.

Youngest DC has a sickness bug, we were away and I had to cut our break short. Eldest DC is absolutely gutted and not happy at all.

Youngest threw up all last night and is sick again tonight.

Ex would have been useless and a pain and probably slept through it all but at least would have been some help in the day with older child.

Ex has been arguing with me all week and he still says this is all my fault. And I'll be honest, today I really did wonder why I've done this, I'm finding it so hard.

I left because I was unhappy, but I still feel unhappy. The kids are unsettled and ex is miserable.

I am in significant debt. Looking for somewhere half decent to live. Unlikely to be able to buy anywhere now so will have to pay stupidly high rent. I have no furniture or a hoover or tv.

I'm not sure on new guy anymore, I just don't want to jump in to anything but equally am finding I don't feel happy with too casual as it seems pointless.

I'm absolutely exhausted by all of this. And pretty sure older DC will get sick in the next 24 hours and probably me too... which is gong to be hell.

Feeling very hopeless and sorry for myself tonight

You did this because you were being treated badly in your marriage.

He was unkind. He treated you unfairly. He didn’t pull his weight with the kids. He was financially abusive when you were on mat leave (and I suspect outside of that too).

You may be unhappy right now in this moment - but that’s because you’ve not slept and been covered in vomit. There were always going to be the bad days in between the good. So it’s a bad day, not a bad life. At least in this situation you know it will get better because you don’t have that awful draining feeling from ExDP. If you were still with him you would have had the same night plus the understanding that it never actually gets better.

But it will get better for you. You can and will do this. It’s ok to feel low sometimes.

Everything feels worse in the middle of the night, and there's nothing like a vomiting bug to drag you down at the best of times, whether yours or DC's. Right now it's hard work, but you're working towards something positive now, not running round in unnecessary circles to ex's tune. Small steps in the right direction, small victories, get you there in the end. And it will be so, so worth it when you do.