Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
Socialyawkward · 12/12/2023 20:15

He has to pay maintenance
He will have to buy you out the house.

Scare tactics from him stay strong and envision a happy future

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:16

He can't afford to buy me out and I can't afford to buy him out.

I think I will be so much stronger and happier when I get some space. He won't leave at the moment but leaves me with all the childcare etc then comes back and mopes about/ wants to talk.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 12/12/2023 20:21

Have you had some legal advice re the house? That would put you on a stronger footing.

JoanMacIntosh · 12/12/2023 20:25

Stay focused, don’t be distracted, keep moving forward. This stranger on the internet is rooting for you x

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:46

Yes have taken legal advice but keen not to eat into the little money I have at my disposal given crazy rents. Hoping once I get out either he will realise there is no going back and be more sensible or I will be strong enough to fight him - which I would really rather avoid

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:46

JoanMacIntosh · 12/12/2023 20:25

Stay focused, don’t be distracted, keep moving forward. This stranger on the internet is rooting for you x

Thanks, I needed that ❤️

OP posts:
TicTacNicNak · 12/12/2023 20:57

Well done OP. It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave and you're doing it. Do you have any family who can help support you through this?

Get that application in to CMS to get the maintenance your children deserve. Also, register your matrimonial home rights with the Land Registry so that you protect your financial interest in the home. Applying for an Oder For Sale is something you can think about later.

Oooolala · 12/12/2023 20:59

Well-done! Willing you on OP. Keep up the fight.

sleepD3pr1ived · 12/12/2023 21:04

Keep going Op - he's trying to wear you down - don't let him
win.

Get into the rental - having your own space will recharge your emotional energy.

Sending you strength and good wishes. You can do it.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 21:06

We aren't married but own the house 50/50

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 21:06

Thanks so the replies. I need a bit of encouragement - I'm wavering 😬

OP posts:
MinervatheGreat · 12/12/2023 21:08

Feel the fear and do if anyway.

Some of us have done it and eventually, been so glad we did.

It takes a while for the dust to settle whilst all parties re-adjust but eventually a new normal prevails and life settles down.

Keep the faith. You and the kids will be fine. You’ll see.

RandomMess · 12/12/2023 21:16

Remember you can claim benefits as a single parent from now, you can put in a claim for CMS.

DWP often will make it difficult and say you are still a couple but you aren't and he's been financially abusive.

HellonHeels · 12/12/2023 21:18

You are a total warrior! Well done on getting to this point. You can do it! You'll feel so much better once you're away from him.

Jillybloop393 · 12/12/2023 21:28

Don't waver, sweetie - that'll only keep you where you are .... and it's not a happy place for you. Keep strong, make that move, take legal advice regarding the house etc., and just keep moving forward. The light really is at the end of the tunnel, it's in sight .... push on. Good luck x

Wholelotagrey · 12/12/2023 21:37

It gets worse before it gets better… but my god does it get better….!! Stay strong think of how much easier your life will be… how many adventures you can have you and the kids… wake up Saturday morning get in the car and go wherever you please! Hard days will come but they will get fewer and fewer…. You’ve got this… we’re holding your hand through it!

burntoutnurse · 12/12/2023 21:48

Keep going! He's using scare tactics

You have a very good grounding start to getting away. Take it!

I literally walked away with nothing but the clothes on our back into a rental. BEST thing I ever did!

REignbow · 12/12/2023 22:05

Don’t waiver….this is what he is counting on. He is following the script to a tea, anger, manipulation, hints that he will end his life, love bombing.

keep posting on here, call Women’s aid, claim benefits and put in for CMS.

BTW he is not unkind he is abusive. Emotionally, financially and uses coercion to make you stay.

Leave and show your DC that it isn’t acceptable.

Have you anyone in Real life that you can talk to?

REignbow · 12/12/2023 22:07

i forgot to add, please hide any important paperwork (birth certificates etc), start packing clothes, bedding etc when he isn’t around.

GoldDuster · 12/12/2023 22:12

Keep going, you're right that when you get in your own space you'll feel so differently. Get in the habit of picking through his communication for the bits that are actually relevent, and ignore the stuff that's designed to wrong foot you, and remember that he can say it, but it doesn't mean that a, it's true, or b. you have to do it.

Even a basic amount of legal advice will help you feel stronger, no need to break the bank but you'll feel better, knowledge is power. This legend is worth a watch and has some golden nuggets of info, there's a podcast too.

Before you continue to YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UU016jzDlE5HNzlZDkcQ9Gfg

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 13/12/2023 00:01

Thank you all, he came back this evening and just came into the bathroom whilst I was in the bath and insisted on having a really long chat, kept asking if I was ok and if I needed anything,

I tried to end the conversation a few times and eventually awkwardly sat cuddling my legs and just had the conversation AGAIN. he is questioning everything I am saying.

He told me he is doing me a favour staying in the house and paying the mortgage - I can afford the mortgage and would love to stay in our house. The rent I will be paying is double, he's already calculated the maintenance and told me it's a lot less than I thought.

He kept saying he just loves me and wants me to be happy. So I just literally begged him to let me go then. (Absolute low point in my life- stuck naked in the bath crying)

He also keeps telling me he isn't a bad person and he loves me, and that he doesn't want me to go or understand why I can't keep trying

I know I have to do this- but it's so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 13/12/2023 00:03

And yes, I have some real life support but I'm mortified by this situation so tend to downplay it all and act quite blaze.

I hold a high position in a prominent company and am known for being a bit feisty workwise- I'm deeply embarrassed of my home situation

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/12/2023 00:09

There is an online calculator that will give you a good idea of what you could / should get in maintenance. It's a Gov.uk one. A poster put it on a post earlier today / yesterday.

Pretty sure if you use Google it will come up for you.

Bonbon21 · 13/12/2023 00:15

Please tell people in real life... tell everyone.... do not for one minute think they dont know the truth already.
He is a swine, a bully, a bastard... the very act of forcing you to have a conversation while you are in the bath and he is dressed is a deliberate attempt to intimidate you.
Do not give in to this.. you are much stronger than you think.
People who care for you will support you... do not believe a word he tells you.. it is all a part of his game to undermine you and kick you back into line.
We all put on a front at work.. it is called being professional... we are different people at home.. a place where we should be safe, respected and loved.

And lock the door when you are in the bath. The kids can knock if they need you.

Jas5mum · 13/12/2023 00:16

Sounds amazing!
Inspirational
Wish I could
My OH is dragging me down :(