Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

I agreed to do Christmas as planned and not tell the children until after Christmas so yes I am cooking for him and his family. I have also prepped everything, done all the Christmas shopping and wrapping etc.

DC are 2 and 5

We have had a huge row tonight after days of barely speaking- he has said he will not move / buy me out / pay maintenance etc for as long as possible as he doesn't want to separate and therefore it's my problem.

He also made a lot of accusations about me underpaying etc again- I paid my entire maternity pay into our joint account with both children, leaving myself with next to. I thing whilst he went on weekends away, nights out, holidays etc,

I am so angry today,

Counting down the minutes until the move

Also- medicated since after our first DC - diagnosed with pnd but in hindsight I doubt this would have happened with even an ounce of care or support from him.

I think you are amazing - you are strong and decisive. I read through all the posts and I am here - sending you many hand holds and my very best wishes for the next stage of your life

You have been treated appallingly- I was shocked by many bits, particularly the bit about mat leave. He is not a kind and loving partner

You deserve so much better and I for one hope 2024 is your year!
Stay strong - and I will be thinking of you at Christmas
lots of good advice on here - you can do it

You can do this. Yes its horrible and hard and it is going to be very difficult over Christmas. But, you are doing the right thing for you and your DCs. He’ll try and make out your breaking up family blah blah but he has broken it due to his behaviour. Keep busy - keep looking ahead and pushing forward. Sending strength.

What date in Jan do you get the keys / can move in from ?

You are so nearly there ! it's Christmas in 4 days time. New years day one week after that.

He may say he does not want to do this or pay that, but legally he will have no choice.

Do not spend Christmas with him and his family.

He will persuade you to get back together with him

Remind him that the law will sort him out. He doesn't get a choice.

The next time he says something smart I reply back you are aware that you will have to move out of the house and we need to sell it. You will have to pay you maintenance. I tell him as well that legally this will happen and if he digs his heals it will cost him far more.
I would also start to record his conversations. Tell him as well that you will have a good chat with his parents and all his friends about his behaviour. If you can record him and play it back to them all the better.

When his parents come around on Christmas day I give him a few digs about how much the house is worth, tell his parents that you wont be cooking dinner for them next Xmas and ask him in front of them where is going to move to and is he aware of rent costs?

You not telling them directly that your splitting up but if he is been smart with you I return the favour.

OMG. I could have written this very post - identical in every detail - 10 years ago. It was absolutely awful. Stick with it op - you've some great advice on here - it does get better.

As others have said he's a greedy money oriented bully - CMS were great with me. He still challenges his need to pay maintenance constantly and has tried every trick in the book, including lying about how our finances were sorted at separation, claiming to have to pay his first wife and adult daughter maintenance via a court order and loads of other utterly bonkers stuff. But I have no contact with him and it's great!

Hope you manage to have a relaxing Christmas and stay strong.

Oh and keep your old bank statements and any evidence of how any joint debt was paid.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter I've been here , years ago.
You will feel nothing but relief.
He can stall the sale and maintenance but ultimately he has no choice.
Good luck , you have this.

I agree with the others who have been through this.

I am still dealing with this and it does get easier.

I similarly had to be with an angry and abusive man after I told him it was over. Sharing a house was awful and he did as yours is doing (but I never was in the bath, thank god). He would intrude into my space and harangue me and start shouting if I answered back. He would follow me from room to room to vent his rage at me.

i learned eventually to grey rock and not to get into any details regarding finance etc. they are so so angry at this stage and so used to you doing whatever they say, that even saying ‘no I don’t agree’ is enough to start a rant.

Even if they start off nice, they can flip to anger in an instant. Inside in their head all they can think is “how dare she do this to me?”

I also moved into a furnished holiday rental with just enough stuff that would fit into one small car load. Oh my god the RELIEF! You finally have a front door you can feel safe behind. Every day you wake up relieved not to be in the same space as them.

I needed a few months of this before I felt ready to progress the divorce. It’s nearly a year later and he has finally calmed down. His having a new girlfriend has helped.

In spite of him telling me what he was going to allow me to have and not have, the law is on my side. He has finally accepted this (almost).

If you can let all his wailing and temper wash over you. Hes like a child having a tantrum who can’t get his own way.

As long as you know what the law allows, he can’t wish/will it different.

Is he employed or self employed? He won't have a choice about paying you maintenance. He sounds like a total arse. Best of luck getting through it :/

You can do this. He is an utter t£!#. I wouldn’t entertain any of his shit about not doing x y and z. Just walk away and instruct your solicitor. He is a bully and would rather let his children go without to spite you. Stuff him. If he tries to play the victim in front of people, I keep it really bland. You not kind to me and I don’t want my children thinking that’s acceptable and walk away or change the subject.

OP you are being incredibly brave. I ended things with my STBXH in February. He was (is) a narcissist who even now dares to preach at me and patronise me despite years of emotional abuse and other things I won't go into here.
For the sake of the children we continued to live together for a few months until he found a rental property to move into. That period included a family holiday and it was hell.
But, he moved out, I put the house on the market. Like you, neither of us can afford to buy the other out. He has agreed (reluctantly) to the sale. Realistically he had no choice and forcing the issue through lawyers would have cost us both money. Your ex will probably realise this too at some point.

I stayed in the family home and will do until the sale completes.

It does get easier, you will look back on this and sigh with relief that it is over. I promise.

I've bought the kids to see my family for a couple of days, he was very upset when we left, I pointed out that he has avoided spending anytime with my family for years and would usually welcome me taking the kids away for a couple of days.
Solicitor will write to him the first week of January, when I have moved out, to give him 1 month to decide if we sell or he buys me out (I think his parents are considering buying me out)
I have a universal credit claim ready to submit once I have moved and understand I can get help for the first 6 months.
I've extended my overdraft to the max and have had a loan approved by the bank (hoping I won't need it)
I've tried to be more open with friends and family about what has been happening and how I feel. I've also spoken to my employer, briefly, about the situation.
I don't feel as embarrassed or ashamed, but I do feel quite angry.
I think my head will feel clearer when I have my own space, I'm counting down the minutes.
For the sake of the children I will do Christmas Day as planned- it will be the last time,
I am worried about telling DC (5yo in particular) next week, but I know this is best for them aswell as me.
I am being made to feel guilty, by him and his family for 'breaking up the family' and 'leaving him'
He is still very much trying to pay the victim, and insistent this isn't what he wants- of course if bloody isn't, he's been the only one benefiting from this relationship for years.
Thanks for all of the responses and support, please keep them coming; it really helps x

Well done, sounds like you're on your way 👏

You’re doing a great job. This temporary discomfort and upset will soon be replaced with a feeling of freedom and peace.
Also try to remember that children are often very resilient if they have a secure and loving parent and so your dc will be able to navigate this with you holding their hands. Chances are they’ve picked up on his treatment of you and have felt tension etc in the atmosphere so this is likely to benefit them in the long run. You’re also teaching them about what a healthy relationship is and isn’t which will benefit them when they come to form relationships of their own as adults.

Well done, he will whine and moan and try and guilt you into staying but he's the problem not you. Had he been kind and empathetic and a partner all these years you wouldn't have left him. Ignore the fake pleas and tell his family precisely what you've said here, that he forced you to fund every penny of your maternity leave yourself leaving you penniless while he enjoyed weekends away. That's how much he thought of your joint children and you as a family, they and you were not his responsibility, so he contributed precisely zero!

I've been through the same a few years ago. It's SO tough OP but this is the start of you getting your life back. Please please go and get some legal advice before you leave the home. You can get half an hours free legal advice with a family lawyer and they will quickly and easily be able to advise. I would suggest going to family mediation as they are fair and will not allow bullying or any unwise decisions to be agreed for either party. Mediation is a game changer. They will assist you both in agreeing on house, kids access and everything. It's substantially cheaper than doing it through a solicitor. I would suggest if you can do all this before you think of leaving all the better. If that feels impossible as it takes a little time, please at least the the 30 mins free legal advice. I also didn't think in a million years I could buy my exH out but I was advised I could. And then did. Please also be aware that if he states he wants the DC 50/50 you probably won't be eligible for any maintenance. Good luck OP. You've got this. Keep strong. Reach out. We can all support you x

Go you, op!!!!

OP I was in a similar position 2 years ago. Got through Christmas with gritted teeth then we split. I honestly spent the first week or so sighing deeply because I felt like I could finally breathe again!
Financially it’s tight now, but it was well worth it. I’d put your UC claim in ASAP. It takes a while to process and you’re only a couple of weeks away from circumstances changing. Good luck. Stay strong! It will be worth it in the end.

Thanks, I have taken legal advice and have that in hand, luckily no divorce as we never married and house is 50% mine.
I cannot and will not live with him for a minute longer as he weakens me every time we speak.
Will submit the claim the day we move as it asked for the move in date and if I base it on living in my house I am not entitled to any support.
He absolutely will not look for 50/50 custody, he will have the children over night one night a week only- he can't have them through the week as starts really early for work, I have agreed he can see them 3 evenings through the week for dinner etc
Even being away let night and today has helped me feel stronger.
Any tips on how and when I tell my son from those of you that have been here before?

Well done OP. Know he is trying to wear you down and use emotional threats/abuse. Limit communication to when it is okay for you (only read and respond to messages when it is okay for you). Don’t let him wreck your time with DC. Don’t let him goad you into a response he can use against you.

If at all possible discuss telling them together. Calm and all about them. Mum and dad love you so very much but although it's sad we don't live each other any more. Then tell them practically what that means in terms of where they will spend days nights etc. if you can take them on a visit to see their 'other' new home and make it all exciting about their bedrooms and stuff. It's awful telling them and there will be tears all round but once the words are out, make it all about making them feel safe secure and loved. Include them. Make plans for their rooms with them. This worked really well for my two. If your partner refuses to do it together, you do it when it suits you but before you move. But not too long before you move or they just get confused. I wrote myself some notes and practiced to make sure I got through the conversation without just losing it crying. It's the hardest conversation ever but please take comfort that they will feel more secure when not living in conflict. I literally said to my ex that the kids coming from a split family was less damaging than them seeing a disfunctional relationship. Xx