Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

Definitely talk to your solicitor and try to force a sale of the house if needs be - it's ridiculous that you're moving out with the kids to a rental, while he sits there like lord muck. You have never needed his permission to move out.

It does sound like this is an emotionally/financially abusive relationship, it might be worth speaking to Women's Aid.

After the bath incident l really urge you to call Women’s aid. He could start to become even more difficult when he knows that you are set to move out.

l also urge you to speak to friends etc as you may be able to store things that you will need to move out (bedding, clothing, sauce pans etc).

All here for you sweetheart

I've gone for a fully furnished holiday let (out of season so have it for a few months) at an eye watering cost- so that we don't need to take much right now. It felt the easiest way.

I'm just struggling. Struggling to see that it might be abusive / controlling. Struggling with the guilt of unsettling the children. Struggling with how overwhelming and scary it feels right now.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc
This was emotional and financial abuse.

Think of how much lighter and happier you are going to be once you are in that holiday let.

You go through phases - especially if not wanting to give the house up but you seem to me like someone who has too much self respect to let something material get in the way.

You probably knew the writing was on the wall when he made you save up for your own maternity leave - that is not live in the slightest.

The greatest thing you are doing is actually removing your children from a dysfunctional role model and their is no greater gift you could give your kids going forward

There is a saying ‘marry a man you want your son to become’ and that exists for a reason

I know you pity him but you have given him plenty opportunities to change and he didn’t act upon those. Crucially he targeted you when you were at your most vulnerable in life with financial abuse during and after your pregnancies

If he has an employer then they take maintenance directly from his salary anyway. And please follow through with that. Squeeze him where it hurts.

The house - it is half yours and you will get half of those proceeds whether he likes it or not. He can choose to pay the full mortgage but you’ll still get half when it’s sold.

Don’t let him put fear into you. The law is the law and he is not above it in anyway, shape or form!

Go girl

You'll be ok. I'd start putting bits in storage now or even in the boot of your car. Important things like photo albums, scrapbooks. Back up photos incase he tries to delete them all. Pack up fragile itemz. With my ex I had to box up my collection of faeries and give them to my mum for safekeeping. All the little non-essential keepsake things(memory boxes perhaps) that he may destroy to hurt you.
You can do this and the children will be better off in the long run x

OP, you CAN do this !
'Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of making a change.'

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter i have been in your situation very very recently, I’ve been out the house with my kids for 4 weeks now, ex is living in the old family house by himself. We were joint owners but not married too.

it has been the best 4 weeks, there has been a positive improvement in both myself and the kids. I’ve moved to my parents. Ex was/is abusive emotionally and financially. I put off leaving for so long because i had no money and I thought if I left I’d lose out on the house. That wasn’t true apparently.

Leaving will be the best decision you have ever made. Wishing you all the best in the new chapter of you and your kids lives.

Well done 💐

If you go through the legal process we will have to do what the court will rule not what he wants.
Start making a claim in CMS a real one. Make a calculation yourself first with his salary and tell him that if the paperwork go through the system he will have to pay a 20% more in fees. That sentence make my ex create a standing order the day he read it. Was enlightening see him stop moaning in a second.
For the house tell him or he buys you out or you sell the house. Equity continues building even you don't live there does he knows that?

He told you no one will have you. That sentence is only said for people is pure shit.
Thanks God because he is a super good catch he will be busy interviewing the que of ladies to replace you.

You can do this - you are tired, yes, but you won’t always be this tired. It is hard, but it won’t always be this hard.

Your friends and family and internet strangers are all right behind you.

Trust me, I’ve been there, so much of your post sounded like me a few years back. Life now is AMAZING and so will yours be. And before long you will be posting similar things to someone else.

I think there is a calculator online for Child maintenance. He has no choice to pay. He either does it via a private arrangement or it gets taken by cms from his wage?

Be brave Op. This is the hardest part but if you can get through the next few weeks, it will get easier. Rooting for you.

Sending a handhold and good wishes
OP. Happiness and a new life is not so far away for you now.
How are you doing ?

It's been a rough few days but I'm getting there, or so I keep telling myself. He had the children for the weekend and I found it really tough, not feeling very good this week at all. Tenancy is all set up though so the move is going ahead, struggling to function at the moment

Op

Dont doubt yourself. This is the hardest part. It is not easy to breakaway as you are emotionally attached to him.

But he is mean and nasty and there truly is no such thing as a personality transplant. He will always be that person.

Don’t give up.

Baby steps, one day at a time.

You ARE doing it and you WILL do it.

When do you move ?

Get the ball rolling asap and start the divorce and application for CMS and financial Order asap. He doesn’t decide maintenance the court or csa do.

It's completely natural to feel as you do, change is unnerving but it will be worth it. I think people tend to undermine the enormity involved in leaving a long term relationship with children, especially with an angry ex who makes things difficult. It takes a lot of nerve, but keep pushing through. Imagine how your Xmas next year will look, all calm and cozy, you will be feeling much more settled and confident. You won't ever look back, good luck.

It feels enormous and overwhelming.
I'm starting to feel quite devastated to be leaving my home and pretty much all my belongings even if it is temporary.
Solicitor is all up to speed and ready to write to him on the new year. When I've moved out.
I just can't stop crying today. Have been off work and struggling without work to distract me.

Keep posting to gain some support.

What are your plans re: Xmas? Are you having to do it with him?

Christmas will be with him and his family. In our home, which I will move out shortly after. The whole thing feels painful and ridiculous but obviously important for the children. He keeps asking me if I've changed my mind- I just can't stop crying today.

Op

breaking up is hard and many people can’t do it even though they know they should.

You could always get some SSRIs to see you through the process for a few months

You know that you are doing the right thing - please stay strong 💪

Emotions are taking over but you won’t feel this way forever you are processing the situation but it will pass and you will emerge stronger

You should start your claims to any benefits you may be entitled to and also contact the CSA

You do know that he will use Xmas as a way to pressurise you into staying? I think that you need to give yourself regular breathing space, go out for walks, go for a rest in your room do anything. Visit friends or have your friends and family visit as much as possible.

Is he expecting you to cook and entertain his family? If so why have you agreed to it?