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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 23/12/2023 15:44

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter you are doing brilliantly.

Re telling the kids; mine were teens so it was different. We did it jointly which is supposed to be better but in reality ex made it all about himself, woe is me, sobbing, the kids ended up feeling they had to comfort him, it was dreadful. Of course then I looked like the heartless bitch that won’t give poor dad one more chance etc etc. And I will not bad mouth him to them.

Your ex sounds extremely similar to mine (I’ve also had the naked low point) - if I could rewind I would have told the kids myself as I don’t think the joint approach works if one of your parents is a massive arsehole. But you live and learn and all of us are doing better these days. Good luck however you choose to do it.

Andthereyougo · 23/12/2023 17:56

Keep it simple telling the children. Daddy and I have decided we are going to live in separate houses. We both love you and always will. I’d tell them alone as pps said he might derail it. Then elaborate on where they are going to live in the next conversation. I found children needed to process the info a bit at a time.
Your partner is going through a well known script. He loves you, can’t live without you blah blah. Then he won’t pay, won’t do this or that ( I’ll make you stay) Then it’s you moving out so he can tell everyone you left, he is sad, can’t believe it really ( queue tears) I’m very cynical as seen it all before.
Youre doing amazingly, stay strong, this is the worst bit. Once your solicitors letters, CMS claim etc kick in it’ll all fall into place.
And you’ve saved divorce costs.

Dinkydoo17 · 24/12/2023 15:55

Was just thinking about you OP. I hope you're ok. Sending hugs

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 24/12/2023 17:27

This evening is tough, he's making it all about him whilst I'm trying to be normal and cheery for the kids. It's really bloody crap, but at least this will be the last Christmas I have to spend with him being miserable and ruining it.
Tomorrow will also be awful but this time in one week I'll be at my new house ready to welcome a new start and a new year.
Trying very hard to stay strong

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 24/12/2023 17:38

I have been thinking of you, so proud of you. Keep visualising your new life, and how different next Christmas will be for you and your children.

Dinkydoo17 · 24/12/2023 17:39

You're doing amazingly well!! ☺️Tick off the hours and it won't be long until you get the new life you deserve. I've been there and it's beyond tough, but beyond worth it. I'm sure you and the children will have happy smiles tomorrow. Mine kept me going for sure, as will yours. Please post if you have a wobble and MN will be there for you 🥰

Kwasi · 24/12/2023 20:08

I am in a similar position to you right now. Decided 100% that I don't want to be with such a horrible man anymore. I am not in a position to rent privately but have a phone interview for social housing on 3rd January. I really hope I qualify, as it will really change my life.

goMe46 · 24/12/2023 23:04

Does anyone know if a house ownership is counted as capital with UC ?

Kwasi · 25/12/2023 07:55

goMe46 · 24/12/2023 23:04

Does anyone know if a house ownership is counted as capital with UC ?

I have been in touch with CAB about this in the last week. Basically, if you have £16k or more in cash/savings, you don't get UC. You can have a mortgage and claim UC.

If you are selling your house in the break-up and the money you come away with takes you to more than £16k, you also won't get UC unless you buy another house within 6 months.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 08:31

I've been told that in the initial 6 months flyer separation you can claim UC - which I am hoping is true as otherwise I will be in huge debt by the time I see any money from my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 08:32

He is being absolutely awful today. Refused to get up this morning and slept whilst the kids opened their presents and as sulking now. It's going to be a long day but absolutely confirming my decision. 6 days until I move
Hope everyone is having a very merry christmas- this time next year I'll be in a totally different place so am just grinning and bearing it today x

OP posts:
Ebokebok · 25/12/2023 08:43

Let the knowledge that you'll soon be in your own place keep you going through the day. Ignore him and his moods as best you can. His choice not to get up. Leave him to his own devices and don't lift a finger for him today. The countdown is on....

Nicole1111 · 25/12/2023 08:53

See his behaviour as a blessing as while it means a not nice day for you it’s also the perfect reminder of why you are leaving, as he can’t even put his kids before himself. Now you can enjoy the day safe in the knowledge you don’t need to feel any guilt for taking the kids away as this is all as a result of his actions and they will benefit from the move and not being around an adult baby who puts himself first.

Newestname002 · 25/12/2023 09:21

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 08:32

He is being absolutely awful today. Refused to get up this morning and slept whilst the kids opened their presents and as sulking now. It's going to be a long day but absolutely confirming my decision. 6 days until I move
Hope everyone is having a very merry christmas- this time next year I'll be in a totally different place so am just grinning and bearing it today x

Everything he does reinforces you've made the right decision to move on. Have a fabulous Christmas and best wishes for a happier new year. 🌹

Kwasi · 25/12/2023 09:31

Sorry you're having such a shit Christmas. Hopefully the kids will remember what a dick he was.

As long as you qualify in terms of income, you'll get UC until your house is sold, even if it takes a year. My friend works for CAB and sent me some useful links and numbers. I will dig them out and send them to you.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/12/2023 09:51

Oh OP you are doing brilliantly - head down and keep going, you will be free of all this very soon. I also had the barging into my space, and slept with a chair under the door handle when we were still in the same house 🙁

But next year - oh next year will be wonderful for you. Stay strong. Not long now x

porridgeisbae · 25/12/2023 10:01

Well done OP. You can do it. Have you given them the deposit and rent? Do it ASAP so you'll be less likely to back out.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 10:26

Thanks everyone, yes I've have a few nights with a chair wedging the door shut too.

I've paid my deposit and first months rent so no going back now- not that I'd want to. Took the kids out of the house for a bit and the fresh air and break did us good!

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 25/12/2023 13:24

Honest you will as light as a feather when you leave. It's like you can breathe properly again. This is the last miserable, oppressive Christmas you ever have to have. He should be ashamed of himself putting his sulky behaviour on around the kids on Christmas Day. Man/child. Urgh. Not long now OP 💪🏻

coxesorangepippin · 25/12/2023 13:29

You can do it op

Merry Christmas 🎄🎄🎄

pikkumyy77 · 25/12/2023 13:37

Merry Christmas OP!! Hang on and please keep us updated. Next year will be fabulous as you start to live life free of this human boil.

Take advice from everyone you can. Lower your expectations for your ex to a subterranean level. Don’t offer anything—make him request all visitation and don’t accept anything disruptive to your new life. He will simply use the time to abuse and control you.

Also move out everything of value to you before the move.

I have high hopes for 2024 for you. Be safe.

Dinkydoo17 · 25/12/2023 14:20

pikkumyy77 · 25/12/2023 13:37

Merry Christmas OP!! Hang on and please keep us updated. Next year will be fabulous as you start to live life free of this human boil.

Take advice from everyone you can. Lower your expectations for your ex to a subterranean level. Don’t offer anything—make him request all visitation and don’t accept anything disruptive to your new life. He will simply use the time to abuse and control you.

Also move out everything of value to you before the move.

I have high hopes for 2024 for you. Be safe.

"Human boil". Bloody epic description of this poor excuse for a human being 🤣

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2023 15:23

I am absolutely disgusted that he refused to come and see his own children open their presents. What sort of person does that? It is literally such a magical time

And how dare he argue with you about money again! He is absolutely blind to himself.

I don’t know how you are weakening with him being such an a hole!

There’s another thread on here where the op asked her husband for a divorce. He was furious and due to the financial logistics of divorce she had to remain in the family home with him and the bastard hasn’t spoken a word to her for the last 18 months - not a single word. To top it all off he got the house which was worth £850,000 - she was the breadwinner but still

Your man will never change and I truly hope that you do make that leap because you are worth much more than this oh and he bloody well will pay maintenance

You need to go online and apply for that too - make it a priority- the only way you won’t get anything is if he quits his job but in the meantime you can go on to the calculator and it tells you how much he will have to pay you

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 15:41

Weakening in the sense that this is so unbearable I almost want to give in so he stops being so bloody awkward- almost- but a 100% won't.
Today has been horrendous, I've cooked, cleaned, made small talk, built toys, smiled- so much my face aches.
His behaviour makes it so clear that I am right.
If his mum tells me one more time 'she expected more from me than to give up' or 'we are both as bad as eachother' I might set her alight instead of the Christmas pudding Angry

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 25/12/2023 15:46

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 15:41

Weakening in the sense that this is so unbearable I almost want to give in so he stops being so bloody awkward- almost- but a 100% won't.
Today has been horrendous, I've cooked, cleaned, made small talk, built toys, smiled- so much my face aches.
His behaviour makes it so clear that I am right.
If his mum tells me one more time 'she expected more from me than to give up' or 'we are both as bad as eachother' I might set her alight instead of the Christmas pudding Angry

Ask her the quantify how much abuse a person should take before they give up?