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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 25/12/2023 16:29

I’d expect no less afterall he is a product of his parents

If I was you I’d go an stay with your parents again tomorrow for a few days

YankeeDad · 25/12/2023 16:48

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter from your writing I feel your anguish in the moment, but your writing also exposes a quiet and serene confidence that you have made your decision, you know it’s the right decision, you WILL go through with it, and it’s happening very, very soon.

Damnedidont · 25/12/2023 22:45

Hang in there. You've got this

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 25/12/2023 23:17

I have never been so relieved for a day to end. Thanks for your support. I'm in bed, watching Eastenders and looking forward to a few hours alone tomorrow whilst he takes DC to see some of his family.

We have agreed to tell the children (DC5 as the baby won't really understand) the following day.

Never been so glad to get Christmas out of the way.

I've stayed super calm all day, despite the passive aggressive comments, tears and nasty words - it's been a whirlwind but I stayed absolutely firm.

I'll be popping the champagne on new years in my new house

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 25/12/2023 23:23

Phew. And today is over for you. Just think. You'll never, ever have to do that again. Awesome isn't it. Sleep well OP 💪🏻

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2023 23:23

You've done it ! You've done Christmas day !!! Well done and what a relief it must be to you.
Enjoy Eastenders - it's good !

porridgeisbae · 25/12/2023 23:27

I'll be popping the champagne on new years in my new house

Yay! Not long now before you can escape.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 10:02

We are telling DC today, 5yo knows something is up and has been volatile and upset all morning. Stbx is crying and not coping. This is the worst day yet.

I feel guilty and upset, like I've caused all this, and I'm really struggling.

OP posts:
Kwasi · 27/12/2023 10:12

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 10:02

We are telling DC today, 5yo knows something is up and has been volatile and upset all morning. Stbx is crying and not coping. This is the worst day yet.

I feel guilty and upset, like I've caused all this, and I'm really struggling.

We are all here for you. You know this is the right thing to do and you will soon be able to breathe easier.

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 10:24

We’ve got you @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter - this is a horrible thing you need to do, to take a step forward to a happier future for everyone.

Wheretomoveto777 · 27/12/2023 10:26

Maybe it would help if you kept reminding yourself why you’re doing it.

It sounds really tough, OP. But your children will be absolutely fine. X

thatwassociopathic · 27/12/2023 10:32

Just seen this thread. Can you go stay a couple of days with someone? He sounds unbearable, but very familiar. Your ex is a piece of work and you've done the hard bit so please hold on for a few more days and as PP said, once you close that front door to your own home, you'll feel so proud of yourself. If you gave up now you'd be delaying the inevitable and still miserable until whenever that is so pleeeeease hang in there. Your kids will be fine, they're young and resilient, and you're saving them from a long time of witnessing his toxic behavior. The money threats are all familiar too, only thing left for him to control. Pathetic loser he is. Well done!

SeamsLegit · 27/12/2023 10:38

HE CAUSED THIS.
YOU DESERVE MORE.
YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE MORE.
The time for discussion is over. There is NOTHING he can say or do to change your mind.
You are starting 2024 as a free, strong, independent woman.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 27/12/2023 10:54

XH kept crying when we were splitting. In retrospect, it was a manipulative tactic to try to make me feel sorry for him! Even commented that I seemed less upset than him! (I’d actually cried a lot at his rejection over the years before and was now calm and resolved to get through it).
I agree with pp, he caused this. You need to focus on the future, happy home without him. Stay strong. We’re here with you (albeit virtually).

MumLass · 27/12/2023 11:03

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 10:02

We are telling DC today, 5yo knows something is up and has been volatile and upset all morning. Stbx is crying and not coping. This is the worst day yet.

I feel guilty and upset, like I've caused all this, and I'm really struggling.

It will get better. Today is awful and it will be so hard telling the kids but I promise you it gets better. I told my ex it was over in February. We pretended until April. The kids were devastated but that shock only lasted a few days. Here I am in December and they are excited about moving to our new house and they have taken it all in their stride.

MumLass · 27/12/2023 11:05

NeurodivergentBurnout · 27/12/2023 10:54

XH kept crying when we were splitting. In retrospect, it was a manipulative tactic to try to make me feel sorry for him! Even commented that I seemed less upset than him! (I’d actually cried a lot at his rejection over the years before and was now calm and resolved to get through it).
I agree with pp, he caused this. You need to focus on the future, happy home without him. Stay strong. We’re here with you (albeit virtually).

This is so true. We have made peace with the fact that their abusive behaviour is something we don't want to live with. They will try everything to change your mind. My ex cries all the time because he is so very sad and devastated. So sad that he's seeing someone else and seems to be involved enough to take her as a partner to a formal work event (I found this out from mutual friends). The tears are all for show.

mcmooberry · 27/12/2023 11:09

Hand hold from me, yes this is hell, and being on your own in the new place won't necessarily be fun, but if you don't do something you could still be where you are in 5, 10, 50 years. Anyone who makes their OH pay half the bills while on maternity leave (if they can afford not to) deserves all they get imo.
Not long to go, totally sympathise with the knot of anxiety and dread you must be feeling xx

Dinkydoo17 · 27/12/2023 11:37

You've got this OP 💪🏻Telling children is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But like someone else said, they're resilient and bounce back quickly. Shower them with love as you already do and they will be just fine. Honest. We're here for you

goMe46 · 27/12/2023 11:48

It is So hard, not going to pretend otherwise.

I lived with a bully and the financial manipulation and emotional abuse and it very nearly killed me.

You know your own mind don't you?
Do not let him persuade you otherwise.
He will try to. He will have tactics to upset you.

I felt guilt and uncertainty for breaking up our family unit but it was either that or be totally miserable for the rest of my days.

I was always on the outside looking in.

It's takes courage and strength to stand up to bullies but you need to model it to children.
You won't be coming between them and their dad ,that will play itself out in time...you are just doing what is best for you and your children.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 12:11

Thank you all for your encouraging words, it's really helped. It's done now. DC took it quite well, had a lot of questions.
Stbx cried and didn't say anything, he was just radiating anger. He is very very angry with me today.
His reaction is making me feel guilty but I'm aware that's how he's conditioned me to feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 12:12

I feel a bit numb, a bit relieved and incredibly guilty- but I'm trying to keep perspective, 4 days to go x

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 27/12/2023 12:29

You're doing so well. The STBX crying and carrying on is partly his emotion and partly emotional manipulation. Keep your focus on you and your little one. You are a strong woman and being totally awesome. It's very tough but keep going. You're nearly there 💪🏻x

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 12:38

Well done @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter Have you told any friends and family? I recommend a text message saying you’re not ready to talk much about it but you and x are separating, you have told the kids, and will be in separate homes next week. Just send it to a few people. Then if you need any last minute help they are already aware of the situation.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 27/12/2023 12:43

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter you are separated make a cms claim today . He will have to pay you and he will know you are serious.
Remember and tell them he doesn’t have the kids over any nights or at all .you have them full time .

Have you paid deposit . Please do it if not and make yourself happy and you and kids settled

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 27/12/2023 13:00

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 27/12/2023 12:11

Thank you all for your encouraging words, it's really helped. It's done now. DC took it quite well, had a lot of questions.
Stbx cried and didn't say anything, he was just radiating anger. He is very very angry with me today.
His reaction is making me feel guilty but I'm aware that's how he's conditioned me to feel.

Anger because he has lost control .
remember this is the guy who has been living the high life while you have struggled and who hasn’t supported you emotionally or financially to raise his kids .

It’s his ego that’s hurt and soon to be bank balance.

Don’t let him come to your home for the kids dinner . This is your space . Also make sure you take everything you really what baby photos toys etc as you may never see them again .