My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Are you ready to be a mum? It's very sad that he didn't even give you a chance to tell him, whatever your answer to that question or whether it will take time for you to figure out.

Sending you ❤️. I hope he shapes up fast because he owes you a heartfelt apology and very different way of conducting himself before he loses everything. I'm not sure he deserves much of a second chance though.

You've been together for 10 years and you're 29. It makes no sense if he forces you to terminate because he's not ready this year but claims he will be in a year or two.

Sending you big hugs.

If he doesn’t want children yet, wtf is he using an unreliable method of contraception?

I am sorry to hear you got such a shit reaction from him. I would tell him very shortly: we are having a baby and you better get your shit together.
There will never be a perfect time to have children and there is no need to make it more difficult by worrying about things.

I say keep the baby. He will either come round or won't, but if you have an abortion then it sounds like you will end up resenting him.
Things with babies don't always go to plan you just need to roll with it.

He was drunk HE! didn't withdraw.

Are you in a bad place financially?

It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But as a family. Everyday I go to work and there’s someone else with a pregnancy announcement and I’ve just been reminding myself that that’s what I’m working so hard to achieve. That’s why I’m saving money ❤️ But I don’t feel like I could do it alone 😔 I would want them to know their father x

Keep the baby, but be prepared for your DH to be useless. Good luck OP

He reacted to a hypothetical situation, now you have a definitive answer as to whether or not you're pregnant, so try the conversation again and see what he says now.

It might be the same answer, it might not but the only way to know is to tell him.

If you want your baby you should keep your baby. Speaking only for myself, I had a termination because my partner "wasn't ready to be a dad. He would have a breakdown" and it has ruined my life. I see a lot of women on mumsnet (who I presume haven't had terminations, particularly of pregnancies they wanted) say that it's fine, you get over it, but it's not real life and not always how it is.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, there is nothing worse than how you're feeling right now, I utterly sympathise.

Sending you lots and lots of love OP. You aren't alone xxxxx

Sadly, I think either way your marriage will be damaged: if you terminate, you'll never get over him forcing that decision on your, and if you keep it, there's a strong chance he might walk. So forget about his feelings in all this, and focus on what YOU want to do. It's your body, your baby. Best of luck.

If you abort I think it'll kill the relationship as you'll feel so resentful.

You're not teenagers. If he really leaves you because a baby came a year or two early, he never wanted children in the first place, and was just stringing you along.

The baby will know his or her father even if you and your DH separate, though. Many many children do not live with one or other parent, usually their father. But basically what Olika says, he needs to get his shit together.

Tell him to man up and take responsibility, if he can't then go it alone it's hard enough decision to come to for a woman to consider an abortion through her own choice but for a man to try and force it not only does he have not right but it something you would deeply regret and will effect you mentally for a long time

This.

I agree with this.

Just stick the choice back at him - tell him you are pregnant, you love him and want to be a family. That is your position. He either stays and is a husband and father, or he goes and you get on with it. (I am a single parent, my DD’s dad left when she was a baby, it’s all very do-able, and better to have the DC than a man who will not stand by you).

@MaryMcI has the right approach - I have learned that, albeit only used with less profound things than this, it is always best to approach these big dilemmas positively. Talk about the positives you want, not the negative impact any course of action could have. If he doesn't want it, that is his loss. At the end of the day, it is your choice how to proceed.

I'm sorry he reacted so badly, I hope he was just surprised and taken aback and can come round sincerely or at least you can move forward in a constructive way.

It's not his choice, your body, your choice.
Is he just panicking?
You need a serious sit down and tell him you're keeping the baby then see what he says.
Tell him he's got until the baby is born to make his mind up if he's going to step up as a father.
Ultimately it's your decision.
I hope he comes round.
Personally I'd keep the baby and dump the H

If you want the baby, you should have the baby. If you have an abortion when you don't want one you'll almost certainly end up resenting him, and that will most likely end your relationship anyway.

He is a selfish man, perhaps he never really wanted kids, but pretended to in order to keep you.

Your relationship is fucked if you have the child and your husband resents you for it. (Although using the world's worse form of birth 'control' and not even doing it properly is ridiculous and if he's blaming you for getting pregnant he's a moron)

Your relationship is also fucked if you have an abortion you don't want to keep him happy. You'll resent him massively and it will drip poison into your marriage and if you never have another child you'll grow to hate him for it. Even if you do have another you'll still grow to loathe him because all you'll keep thinking is what if...

So the question is do you want to have this child?

Maybe don't tell him straight away, tell him how you felt when he said what he said then tell him a day or two later you've taken a test and you are pregnant. He needs to man up, it takes two to tango and there is never a perfect time. Just because you get pregnant quickly now there is no guarantee that will happen in the future. Hopefully part of it is shock and he will come around. If he complains about finances if he leaves and has to pay child maintenance for the next 18 years, his finances will be awful, too.

He’s playing at being a husband when things don’t go his way this is the true man you have married. Whatever you decide he would not be someone I would want to share my life with.