My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Your Husband needs to grow up, you’ve been together 10 years and are married with a decent joint income. No first time parent is ever ‘ready’ and what makes him or you think he’ll suddenly be ready in 2/3 years time? He’s being selfish. Tell him straight you’re having his baby and as he didn’t withdraw so he has to take responsibility for that as well as there was always a chance of pregnancy. If he doesn’t backdown then you know where you stand. All the best OP 💐

This

There’s an old (and somewhat bitter) joke
Q: What do you call a man who uses the withdrawal method for birth control? A: Dad

Another poster called it ‘Vatican Roulette’ and you say your DH didn’t do it properly anyway!

He’s rolled the dice and come up baby.

Unless this was momentary panic and he reacts better when you talk to him (and I hope for your sake this is the case), I think your marriage is done.

If you let him force you into aborting a wanted baby, you will never forgive him. I am absolutely pro choice but you want this baby and you have the right to choose to go through with the pregnancy.

Also, I know at least one woman whose husband strung her along with promises of children but ‘not yet’ until her late 30s then promptly left her for a woman in her 20s. He and his new partner have two children. The ex-wife has none. It’s called future faking and while it’s not common, it happens often enough to have a name!

Keep the baby, I am pro choice but he cannot let his poor decision making in the moment make you terminate a pregnancy. You’ll never forgive yourself. Also from a fertility perspective, yes this was an easy conception, how would you feel if you had a termination now and turn struggled TTC. It would be a nightmare for you. This was his fault you got pregnant, I can tell you are happy about it, and if he’s not it really shouldn’t be your baby that pays the price

I’ve known a few people who have waited for partners to be ready to have kids and then found the partners were never ready or when they were they’d left it too late and couldn’t conceive.

I’ve had friends and family members wait because they are too young, want to travel, want to save, want to party and then get to a point where they realise the reason they put it off is they actually don’t want kids.

I personally wish I had had kids in my late 20s or early 30s as pregnancy is harder on your body when you’re older - dealing with a toddler is also harder as you just don’t have the same energy levels as you age!

I just wonder how you will feel if you wait a few years and there is an issue with your fertility, health or he changes his mind!

6yrs of coitus interuptus and its only now you are pregnant? Teachers, you say you are!!!! 😕

I agree with this. Oh and the fact that a grown man should have been responsible for contraception if he didn't want a baby.

Sending hugs to you x

@Lillieanne
He has never mislead you about his timeline around having a child. That said, for 2 intelligent people, you chose the least reliable form of contraception. You were essentially playing Russian roulette with contraception.

What you decide to do is ultimately up to you because it is your body. Keep in mind that your husband has never been less than honest about his timeline. But you both have been willing to rely on a not very reliable form of birth control.

You are facing a difficult choice, but you and your husband will remain as good people regardless of the choice that you make.

UnfoiArtunately, the ultimate decision is in your hands, because it

Oh you poor thing OP! It must be an awful situation.

Fingers crossed he has also spent the last few days thinking about his response and how shitty it must have made you feel. Maybe when you tell him that a little DS or DD is now forming in side of you, his reaction will be better.

But you also need to be prepared for it not to be. What he said was insensitive, but he has always been honest.

If you want the baby, keep the baby. Don't move away from that whatever you do. Maybe he will come round and be happy, maybe he will be accepting if inconvenienced, maybe he will not come around and you will end up going your separate ways. But if you want the baby, keep the baby. If you give up a baby you want you will never be able to move on.

Why is he using the withdrawal method if he doesn't want kids yet? He's an idiot.

Wants his cake and eat it it looks like.

If you terminate, you'll resent him for it.

It sounds like he has a lot of control in the relationship and that he expects to get his way irrespective of what you think or want. Is that a way you would treat someone if you loved or cared about them ?

Exactly this. If he leaves or is just a dick to you about this then he’s really not worth it and you’re better off without him.
Plus, if he’s that adamant he’s not ready for a baby he really should be using a more reliable form of contraception and not accidentally forgetting to pull out cause he was drunk 🙄

Does he not understand how babies are made? Ffs what a twat.

I hope the conversation goes better tonight op

Tell him having not used protection for 6 years, if he doesn't want kids yet he's lucky he doesn't already have several!

Tbh a primary school sounds about the best place for him.

I was put in the same situation a couple of years after getting engaged. I had a termination, but the relationship was dead within a year. I've always felt so guilty about it.

I hope he comes round. 💐

I know it sounds so ridiculous. But as we’re married and always talked about having children I was always (stupidly) under the impression that we weren’t trying but not preventing. A huge reason I was surprised by his reaction!

Sending you love and hugs xxx

You want your baby so keep it. He will have to get used to the idea however he feels about it. His stupid fault for using a dodgy means of contraception!

This is a mess but life is messy. You have the best job for a family. So does he. He may come round, he may not so get your affairs in order in case he leaves. If he tries to make you have an abortion by threatening to leave, pack his bags. Be strong. You won't regret it. Promise x

If you abort this baby you will never forgive him so the relationship is changed forever anyway. In your shoes I would keep the baby and let him decide what he wants to do.

I couldn't be with a man who thought abortion was a better solution than a condom.

He really needs to grow up or leave. You and your baby will be fine.

Is he a total idiot? He was happy to ejaculate inside you but thinks it's fine to expect you to go through something as significant as pregnancy and termination because he couldn't be bothered to pull out??
He's not acting like a nice man at all.

Do you think it is possible he will come back from the trip and have had time to get over the shock? Perhaps then he will realise it's what he wants.

I have an inkling you're going to end up keeping house and doing the actual raising and nurturing of any children alone whilst simultaneously trying to keep your so-called husband happy. You may or may not work depending on what BS he feeds you and you swallow. The way he treats contraception, your body and this big news is showing exactly what he thinks of you and your "partnership".

Focus on what you want and make sure you are protected.

The thing is OP, unless your DH changes his mind and comes back with a giant apology, your relationship is over already. There’s no way it’ll survive him forcing you to terminate a much wanted baby.

Sorry I think he lied saying that we
wants children. You’ve been together 10 years and you are 29 in stable jobs, it really doesn’t make sense to terminate in order to have a child 1 or 2 years later. Also, does he even have a timeline for when he’ll be ready or how you can afford children in his mind? Ie if you are both teachers, what does he plan to do, retrain and have a different career?
im sure he doesn’t have a plan or timeline which means he’s just stringing you along

Any baby deserves to be wanted by both parents. You still have years of fertility ahead of you.