My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

I feel sorry for the man! He's used unreliable contraception, then you've poured alcohol down his throat, taken advantage of this and he's fucked the "contraception".

You now after 10 years say I'm fine with a baby, but he wants you to terminate this one and do it all again in a year.

He's a cunt, leave him and keep your child!

I hope things work out well for you

I don’t think you would ever forgive him if you had to terminate

I truly can’t imagine terminating this one and then getting pregnant in what ? 5 years ? 2 ?

I’m so sorry 😞 but you need to do some soul searching

What an awful analogy!

He sounds immature, selfish and thoughtless. Let’s hope that his reaction was fuelled by surprise and that when he knows you’re definitely pregnant he gets his act together.

My ex kind of blew a bit hot and cold when he found out I was pregnant. He gave the impression that that was because it wasn’t a time of his choosing - like you could exactly schedule conception and fit it into a busy schedule 🙄 Some men don’t have a very realistic view of pregnancy. Also, sorry to say, some men only think of it in relation to how it will impact their plans and then get grumpy.

Anyway, this is your moment. Don’t let his reaction upset you. Stay calm and matter of fact. You’re having a baby and he can step up to the plate like a mature adult should.

Keep the baby worst case scenario you'll be a single mum. He's entitled to feel the way he does just like you are. Hope everything works out for your guys.

He had unprotected sex with you. That IS consent to have a baby. You’d agreed that he’d pull out but then he chose not to: it is 100% his fault that this happened, not yours (other than the fact that you weren’t using better contraception, which is very naive).

I would probably send him a message when I know he’s at home alone. “I’ve done a pregnancy test and I am pregnant. I am having the baby and that is not up for debate. I’m feeling very upset about you having said that you’d expect me to have an abortion. You’re the one who failed to pull out, not me, and now the baby exists we will both have to deal with it. I have gone to stay with my mum /friend for a few days as I need to rest and adjust without any issues extra stress from you.”

I guess it depends what you want out of life. I'm not sure I know anyone who had a child that young. We must move in different circles!

PS babies are AWESOME way more fun than this dude who can’t even put a frickin condom on.

As others have said, there is never a ‘right time’ for a baby. I was also told this at 29 when I got pregnant unexpectedly.
Perhaps your husband was just scared and had a tactless reaction.
When it comes down to it the love for your baby will outweigh whatever the outcome with your husband may be.
Congratulations, and good luck ❤️

I get that. It was the same with my two boys. You obviously want a 👶. If husband is as lovely as you say he is he will be overjoyed, just give him a couple of days to come to terms
Good luck

1. you were preventing - albeit with a bloody daft and unreliable method.
2. not preventing is trying. You knowingly have sex without contraception in place, you are trying for a baby.

Frankly, he only has himself to blame as he wasn't wearing a condom. How the fuck does he think babies are made?

You need to think about whether you want to continue this pregnancy. No point considering what he wants because he has that male luxury of choice:- leave you (and he could leave you after an abortion too), part time dad, remain married and embrace it.

You do what you want.

29 is the perfect age. How old is your circle that this is considered too young!!??

You know what - I think he will come round when he realises that there is an actual baby on the way.

It's his problem then if he doesn't. It's ridiculous, if he does want children, that he has this rigid timeframe, and he's been totally irresponsible re contraception.

Please don't have a termination if you don't want to. You'd regret it forever and resent your husband.

The idea of having an abortion, in your circumstances, is just morally abhorrent. There's no good reason to do that!

29 is a good age. Keep the baby, sounds like you'll regret it if you don't. Good luck.

And to those who say she's young and will be fertile for a long while, fertility is not guaranteed, problems can arise.

You must move in unusual circles.

He is 29 and you are teachers, so we must assume educated well. Why on earth then was he (and you) relying on the withdrawal method as an effective form of contraception? Surely he must have known it was very risky? Expecting a woman to abort as a back up when it fails is not acceptable.

Also, it was his drunkenness that led to this, so he has no damn right asking you to abort. You're on good salaries and sound as though you're sensible with money, so why delay? Maybe he's got some horrible kids in his class and he's just scared of the reality of being a parent. You definitely need some calm conversations before making any decisions.

He’s totally disrespected you and your body.

I agree with this.

Gently, if you terminate you will never forgive him. Please don't let him force you to, it's a huge thing to do (as someone that has been through it) and to do it against your will and instincts will be too much for your relationship to bear. Tell him you two are having a baby, I suspect he will come round.

"You’re almost 30

You’ve been together a long time

You’re married

You have a stable income

Nobody’s ever really ready for kids, you just have to jump in do your best - and I know couples who’ve waited just that bit too long for the ‘right’ time and lived to regret it."

This.

It sounds like the marriage is over either way. So the decision is - do you want to be a single parent?

good luck xx

If you want this baby and you abort .. your relationship will not survive .

Assuming this is completely out of character .. talk to him when back .

have you had previous conversations about children . Was there a plan ?