My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Well done for confronting the issue.

In my experience pregnancy is happening to you and it will consume nearly every thought you have. This may not be the case for your husband. This was frustrating when I was pregnant but on reflection it was just the way biologically we are built. Xx

Lovely update! That’s great news.
i wish you all the best for your pregnancy - congratulations!

Dh was really worried about practicalities etc for the first few days (so was I to be fair) we were not activiey trying but not preventing.

He's the most amazing Dad now and dotes on our kids.

I read your first few posts and I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt as initially it was a hypothetical situation and so I think it was sort of ok for him to say it wasn’t the right time. I am glad I read all your updates before posting and I think you should forgive and move on.

I'm so glad to read your update! let's hope he carries on being lovely to you :-)

Good update. Stay strong & best of luck for your pregnancy

"I can’t take any form of hormonal birth control as my mum and grandma had to have hysterectomies before 50 due to fibroids and hormonal imbalance."

For the future, it's nonsense to think that this is a contraindication to all forms of hormonal birth control.

Lovely update OP
Enjoy your pregnancy and being a mum
Congratulations … to you both !

Congratulations!
Glad he’s happy.
Research risk factors for fibroids.

Congrats OP, so glad he came around and I hope you can get past his initial reaction - sounds like he didn't think about how his bluntness would make you feel.

I was in a pretty similar situation to you, was using withdrawal for months and then stupidly didn't one time and became pregnant with DC1. It was an absolute calamity at the time, it was in the first covid lockdown, we were living in a tiny 1 bed flat and due to get married later that year. Our original plan was to get married, buy a house in a couple of years and then have a baby eventually, so we were both shellshocked for a week or so.

We moved to a two bed rented house so enough space for a cot in the small bedroom. We stayed there for three years, we just managed to buy a three bed a couple of months before DC2 arrived this year. It is totally more than doable to have a baby in a 2 bed house, you will be fine. Best of luck with your pregnancy!!

Congrats. So pleased for you both.

To be honest, this is how I thought it would play out. A ‘surprise’ pregnancy, even one where there’s been no serious attempt at contraception, can still be a surprise and take some getting your head round.

I’d also say that communication is everything. Making assumptions that choosing the withdrawal method means someone will be happy with a pregnancy if it happens, rather than actively discussing it, is always a recipe for misunderstandings. Talk about the big issues and be explicit and check you are both on the same page. There will be lots to enjoy about this pregnancy but also lots of thinking ahead about all kinds of things, including housing, work, maternity leave etc etc. Don’t assume you think the same thing or that a comment on one thing means he thinks X on another seemingly related thing. Gave the actual conversations and work things through together.

There are all kinds if websites and apps for Dads to be. Sending him some links so he can look at those and get up to speed about it all can help a lot. He’s more positive and over the coming days will be on a steep learning curve. Plus some nerves and concerns about what is a big change ahead is normal and okay. Being kind to each other and allowing each other to adjust and grow into it all is good. And sorry if this all sounds patronising.

Some couples are both keen for pregnancy and preparing for it for years ahead. By the time it happens, they are in the same page and fully geared up for what lies ahead…as far as you can be. For others to varying degrees, it’s a shock and the adjustment isn’t always smooth or instant. To expect someone, even a DH who hasn’t been using a reliable method if contraception to be instantly thrilled, is a little naive. He’s adjusting now….that is the main thing. Enjoy!

💕💐

That’s brilliant!

And just to confirm, you are in charge from now on.

Congratulations!!!

Congratulations OP. I do agree that it was likely shock. And the reality is that plenty of women find out they’re pregnant and leap straight to the thought of having an abortion before turning it around so it’s not unreasonable that some men will think the same.

The real bastards are the ones who threaten to end the relationship etc but in terms of your dh it does just sound as if he was shell-shocked.

What I would say though is that while this is a bit in the future, once you’ve had this baby you need to look into some real contraception if you don’t want to end up with any more surprise pregnancies ;)

Congratulations OP. It was so lovely to see your latest post. I’m pleased that your DH has got over the shock. I hope that your pregnancy goes smoothly. 🌸

Really relieved to read your update OP. I agree with PPS that you can give DH the benefit of the doubt, even though we were actually trying for a baby, my DH was very shocked the first time when it actually happened. He kept saying he didn't think it was 'really much of a line' on the pregnancy test and he didn't think we were really pregnant - ?! He then fixated on weird stuff like it would be an august baby and that wouldn't be great if it was a boy (?!) and worried about money even though we were fine.
After a couple of days when it had sunk in he was happy, and has been the most brilliant Dad! I do think a bit of shock is permissible and understandable. However - from here on in, as others have said, he will need to really step up and put you and the baby first in everything. Communication is key!
Enjoy your pregnancy

To be honest he put you in this position. He impregnated you by decided not to pull out.

Although I really don't understand why, if he isn't ready to have kids why he didn't use contraception?

If you knew he didn't withdraw did you both not think about it the next day? No discussion about the morning after pill?

Also I have two kids and I've not used "BFP, Evap" have you been visiting the trying to conceive threads? Did you want to get pregnant?

I hate this site sometimes.

A combined income of 65K and a 2 bed house means you aren't ready for a baby?!!

Well I'd say that's most of us.

Wonderful to read your latest update. Your DH panicked. He no doubt had it in his head this perfect scenario before starting a family. You are entering a new phase of life raising children. It may never be perfect but you can guarantee despite many ups & downs it will be the best phase. I would 100% forgive him for his reaction. 😁

Great update @Lillieanne . FWIW I can understand your husband wanting to have bought a house before having a baby but sometimes life just throws you a curve ball and you have to change your approach . I hope your pregnancy runs smoothly from here .

Great update and congratulations! Make sure you sit him down though and tell him how his behaviour and reaction to you actually made you feel, and that you couldn’t tell him and had to consider what to do without him and he can never do that to you again. It was on him deciding not to use contraception

Your partner doesn't deserve a child. Sorry he just doesn't. He'd be getting an earful from me. Pathetic whingeing.

My grandma had 8 children (some during the 2nd world war) and worked as a cook, my grandad worked in admin but they certainly weren't rich.

Did you read the rest of the OPs updates?

Did you see the many comments that some people take longer to get their heads around a surprise pregnancy than others? Lots of men take a little while and then come fully on-board and are great Dads.

We need to cut people some slack for not always instantly displaying the ideal or preferred reaction immediately. It’s simplistic and unrealistic and lacking empathy to be only able to see one acceptable immediate response.

Of course it doesn’t mean OP’s DH doesn’t deserve a child, or needs a big earful or that OP LTB. These knee-jerk reactions inflame situations rather than help. Sometimes you have to give people a bit of time. And clearly DH is now coming in-board and needed to process this big news. And it is big news.

I'm very pleased and relieved to hear your update. It sounds like he had a fixed idea in his head of the "right" time to have children and as this didn't fit, his logical instinct was "no, not yet". He might have assumed you felt the same when you asked "what should we do?" rather than "wow we're having a baby!"

But you got your head round it and slightly further down the line he has too. Hooray! Hope all goes well!