My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

This, think hard whether you will regret an abortion. There is no easy option. So think long and hard and make your own decision based on what's right for you

I think you will cope either way you don’t want to look back and regret it as fertility declines with age. There is never a right time! Please have your baby xx I struggled to conceive my DS and had IVF - my partner was never keen on being a dad he came round to the idea.

Bollocks to him and his horrible nonsense. What is he doing getting married and having unprotected sex if he "isn't ready" to be a dad at 29? How dare he casually tell you to have an abortion as if it's like throwing a fish back in the sea? Have your baby - he will either man up, or you will be better off without him.

I can appreciate your reaction BUT I can't understand why you both used a 'non-contraceptive method' of birth control.

Unless your religion prohibits proper contraception, your pregnancy was a conception waiting to happen.

It seems as if neither of you have woken up to the fact that sex + withdrawal= a baby.

And you've chanced this for years without worrying about a pregnancy?

Why?

I don't know what you should do, but the conversation between you should have happened years ago.

Do you not talk to each other?

Your body, your choice! It takes two to tango and he should have been more careful if he feels so strongly about not wanting children yet. Surely if it's in your life plan and you're married etc, then why shouldn't you just go for it? Life doesn't always go to plan and sometimes you just have to go down the path that has been set for you :)

Good luck! X

There is no guarantee he will ever “be ready” if he’s not ready now. Keep the baby; if he was actually sincere about wanting kids he will come around, though he owes you a massive apology. But try to emotionally divest from the relationship. Doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a good father - I hope I’m wrong, but if I’m right another 3-4 years won’t change anything.

Yeah we’ve talked about it often. We rent our house at the moment but he wants to buy a house before a child (which is where this not the right time thing comes in). However, between us we have saved £9k so very close to being able to get on the market.

His sister and brother both have kids and they both had them before their 30s. His sister has landed on her feet despite falling pregnant only 6 months into a relationship and not having a well paying job.

This. And also, sounds like you'll be pretty much coinciding with the end of the academic year, so as far as timing goes it may not get much better than this. I am so sorry he reacted how he did. Hopefully when he realises that you're not having a funny 5 minutes and you are pregnant he will grow up and face up to the situation.... and also apologise for how he made you feel: even if he doesn't feel ready, there was no need to speak so disrespectfully to you.

Reading your last post, it comes over as if you always wanted a baby and were happily playing Russian roulette, because you really wanted to be pregnant, whereas he wasn't happy but didn't (for some unknown reason) appreciate the likelihood of pregnancy.

I still can't get my head round two educated professional doing this.

Do you not just think he also blurted out a response. If he is a wonderful man I am sure he will want to support you he is just shocked.

Be patient but firm hard but don't look to him for reassurance.

Does your H not understand that the withdrawal method is not reliable?

What happened to his own sex education?

Why was he taking a chance every single time you had sex for 6 years ?

It beggars belief.

If you want children I would strongly advise that you go ahead with this pregnancy, as you obviously want a baby so much. You will feel such sadness if you terminate and you do not know how many more chances you will have to conceive.
I became pregnant at the same age as you back in 1986 & my maternity records were marked “elderly primip”. I was a primary school teacher at the time and I managed to combine work and being a mum relatively well, due to the holidays and lots of support from my DH & family. When I returned to my new reception class, my son was cared for by a parent of a girl in my class who was a very good registered childminder. As he grew older, my son attended the local play groups and then the school I was teaching in, although it was not in the area that we lived.
Your DH sounds incredibly immature and unkind tbh, especially as he teaches young children in his career. I hope that it was the shock talking and that when he realises that this is a real situation, he will step up.
Please do not be bullied by him into keeping this pregnancy secret and terminating it.

He might come round to the idea OP but I had one react similar to that at first, so I know how hurtful it is. Within a couple of weeks he was fully on board (sadly I lost that baby though.)

Honest question: How do you do pull-out method with woman-on-top sex?

Personally, I would terminate because I would not want a child with someone who does not want it, and because I would not want to be a single parent. Parenting is hard enough when both parents want the child, and the child is healthy. What if you have a child with special needs? Even if your husband sticks around, a child with difficult issues may tank the relationship because he did not want it in the first place.However, I am not you, and you must do what you think is best.

I fell pregnant with my first baby in the exact same situation with her Dad actually begging me to have an abortion. I didn't have one because I just didn't feel I could go through with it. After a couple of weeks he accepted my decision and we proceeded to have her. Unfortunately, our relationship did eventually end and he was a pretty useless dad but it was more to do with me growing up much faster than him. However, never for one second have I regretted keeping my beautiful girl.

What an absolute loser he's pathetic!

I think if you're married and using such an unreliable form of contraception a pregnancy is to be expected. Say that to him I'd be interested in why he disagrees.

Keep the baby but be prepared to go it alone, incase it comes to that. Good luck.

Keep the baba

It doesn’t matter that you’re renting. Plenty people do. Your finances are good. You’re at the perfect age. You want the baby - so you keep the baby

Youd never feel the same about him if you terminated anyway, because you would feel like you had just done it for him. Hopefully he is just scared and will come round

Anyone who’s saying 29 is young for a baby is crazy. It’s the perfect age

@Lillieanne Can you explain simply, why he or you, thought the method you used was safe?

I mean, even young teens are taught it isn't.

Did he (given his reaction) never ever say he was worried that you might conceive?

I mean, does he not know that pre-ejaculation releases sperm?

What do either of you have against reliable contraception?

This wasn't a one off moment of passion. It's been years and years of taking a risk.

Why no pill, condoms, IUD, whatever?

I think it's clear that you want this baby and have wanted this baby for a long time. You would probably regret an abortion and the relationship would not survive it. Your DH would resent you having the baby and the relationship probably would not survive, but at least you'd have your baby and a good job to return to, and with your DH in a public sector role he would find it hard to get out of paying maintenance. It is not the ideal scenario but you're certainly in a better position than a lot of women who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.