My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Wow! I didn’t expect such a response (I had a bath soon after writing this to clear my head). Your replies are exactly what I needed. He’s such a nice man and so it came as such a shock his response. He’s away on a school trip tonight and so I will speak to him tomorrow and be firm about it.

I will post a reply though with his response

(The irony that he teaches in primary school because he loves children so much but can’t face one of his own) x

I also don't think your relationship will survive a termination unless you truly want one. I also don't know what you/he was thinking by not using contraception. If you want the baby, be prepared to go it alone.

Keep the baby, it sounds as if it’s what you really want. It’s tough if he doesn’t, he didn’t pull out, he doesn’t get to decide this.

If I were you I'd make up my mind in advance of what you want to do, whatever his reaction. Decide what you'd do if he is positive and what you'd do if he's negative. Have this firmly in your head so that you won't be dissuaded.

Then, tell him. You might very well find that when it's real he will react differently to the hypothetical. Perhaps he misunderstood you asking about what you should do as being in despair about it or something like that, especially if it was a conversation had at night in the dark. When it's obvious that you are happy about it he might be in a very different frame of mind.

So in essence: give him a chance to react positively to your news, knowing in your own heart what you want to do.

If you choose to have sex, you know there’s always a risk of pregnancy. That’s what being a grown up is about. Tell him to grow up and face the responsibility he has created.

I'd be tempted not to tell him and let him 'discover' it for himself. He's got to know that ejaculating inside you is very likely to lead to conception, that was his doing, let the reality slowly dawn on him.

But it's not my life.

All the best, j hope you make the decision you feel is right for you.

You are 29, you want kids. It's the perfect age. You cannot have an abortion. It's game on, you're having a baby. Up to him whether he steps up. Don't let him drag you down on this one.

This may be your only chance to be a mother . Don't terminate,

Yes also agree with everyone, 29 is the perfect age for a baby if you want one, are ready and have a stable income (and a job that fits around term time, bonus!).

Just to add: my baby came by accident at a bad time, and had you asked me a few weeks before hand I probably would have said that I would have an abortion and I wasn't ready. But when I found out I was pregnant I discovered that I was ready and wanted a baby. Your partner might be like this too. Once he knows that your actually ARE pregnant and there is a baby in the imminent future things might look very different.

Yes, definitely talk to him about this again and let him know exactly what you're thinking, feeling, etc. You need answers and not him telling you what to do with no discussion or consideration for how you feel. He's not the only person in this relationship.

If he's not ready now, will he ever be? You're well-placed as a couple to have a baby now. Maybe it wasn't planned, but so what? I'd ask him how he'll feel if you try again in a year or two and have difficulty conceiving. What is he afraid of? As for waiting for things to be 'perfect', there will never be a perfect time. It doesn't exist.

My partner wasn't thrilled when I told him I was pregnant with our first but he was a great dad once he knew he had to be. It is big life changing news. As women we get that news first and get our choice first ie women who don't want a baby never have to tell their partners. Give him a few days to get his head around it and see what happens from there. Ultimately though, it's the woman's choice (or should be) as they have to be ready cope with or without a partner.

If he didn't want a baby, he shouldn't have ejaculated into a woman
Simple as.

Tell him you're not having an abortion because he was too drunk to control himself.

I’m inclined to agree with this.

I also think it’s likely he just doesn’t want children and never will. But won’t tell you this in case you leave. Or he vaguely thinks he might change his mind in the future, but they never will as it will never feel the ‘right’ time.

A termination of a wanted baby is a very, very hard thing to go through. Nothing can prepare you for the grief, emptiness and guilt. If your H genuinely, seriously saw himself wanting kids at any time in his life, I don’t think he would put you through it.

A 29 year old teacher is old enough and intelligent enough to understand the potential consequences of ejaculating inside a fertile woman, so it’s a bit late for him to start saying he isn’t ready to be a father.

Tell him to get his act together. My DH had wobbles with each of my pregnancies (worrying about finance mostly) but I think some of it was being afraid of having to be responsible for another human being. Luckily once the children arrived he has been a doting father.
Hopefully after he has absorbed the news he will support you.
You have been together 10 years, he claims he wants a family so he has to step up - there’s never a ‘magic’ moment for having children but if you’re in a loving, stable relationship both wanting children and approaching your 30s, it is very unfair and selfish of him to pressure you to abort your longed for first child.

You keep the baby.

Totally agree with PP.

If you terminate you will be distraught, and will never forgive him. Your relationship will be over.

I would have the baby, and he will either get over himself or he won’t. Nothing you can do about that. He will have to contribute child maintenance even if he refuses contact.

You could terminate this baby and never fall pregnant again. Or have a later baby with him, only to split up anyway. 💐

Ohh you poor thing. But - congratulations! It sounds as if you'll be a great mother. Good luck with the pregnancy - I hope you have an easy first trimester!

He was responding to what was, in essence, a speculative pregnancy.
His response was pretty bloody shit. I'm not surprised you were upset.
Give him an opportunity to hear AND process the reality of the pregnancy.
Go from there.

I usually defend the one who doesn't want children in a marriage (I am childfree by choice) but he:

a. relied on a not very reliable method of contraception
b. abandoned even this in a moment of drunken lust

so he has brought this situation on himself.

Also, OP, a vague late night conversation along the lines of ‘what if I’m pregnant?’ is a very different prospect to actually telling him ‘I am pregnant, I’m carrying our baby, here’s the test’.

It’s easy for him to say something hurtful or dismissive when he’s not being confronted with the reality of the situation. When he knows your child really exists, his reaction may be totally different. I hope it is x

I would never have had a baby with someone who didn't want one. 29 is very young. Travel the world, live a bit and then revisit it later.

Forcing a man to have a baby he doesn't want is unlikely to end well.

You've been married for 10 years, are in your late 20s and have stable jobs and a good income.

He needs to get a grip because he IS a father now whether he likes it or not.

And make sure if he stays it's documented in some form. I'd worry about him going on about being "trapped".

My pal had 3 miscarriages and then a successful pregancy. Her arsehold DH told me be was "trapped" into having a baby and never wanted DC then had an affair with a random when baby was 6 months old.

29 is not "very young"?! It's a perfectly good age to have a child.