My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Tell him you're keeping the baby. If he pressures you to terminate leave him, whether you have the baby or not. As that will tell you the kind of person he is.

(I have the t-shirt, finally left after 20 years, should have gone sooner)

Do what you want to do.

Unless he turns around and is on board your marriage is over anyway. Every time you have sex you risk pregnancy he is fully aware of that yet chose not to use protection. His choice was when you had sex. He can’t say I can’t be bothered to use protection and expect you to terminate. What a selfish man.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I suggest you go away for a weekend alone and make your decision. The one which is the least worse outcome.

I am pro choice and I think terminations are the right choice if the woman wants one ( I also believe many many women never regret the decision to terminate). However you don’t want to.

You say you never argue? Why? Do you back down? Does he get his own way? I’d have had a row over his comment the other night but you rolled over and fought back by not saying goodnight. That is very passive aggressive? It’s not a good way to say how you feel? Why didn’t you say what you meant? Has he brought it up since it just assumed his word is final and ignored your worries and concerns? Is this why you don’t fight?

That’s a horrible position to be in. I’m sorry. If you want the baby and you know that you can bring the baby into this world then I would say have the baby.

Only terminate if it’s what YOU really want to do - but it doesn’t sound like you want to.

There is a chance that he will stop with the tantrum and get over it and accept the pregnancy - there are men that need a moment and once they process everything they get board.

It is shocking that this is his reaction after being with you for almost a decade. When does he want children? Doesn’t make sense.

The choice to terminate is there for a reason. Everyone has that choice.

However, you don't want one.

If you terminate and stay with him you'll resent him every pregnancy announcement. When your friends planning on TTC conceive, you'll see their babies and know you could have had yours only a few months older. Your marriage won't last, you'll blame him.

You need to decide what you want and have a very frank discussion with your husband about it. Tell him you do not want to terminate. You can tell him you'll keep the baby with or without him, you can make that choice. Or you can tell him you'll terminate as you don't want to do it alone but he'll be getting divorce papers because you won't be able to look at him after you've felt forced into termination.

Chances are when baby is coming he'll come round, but you need to be prepared for him not to. I'd also remind him he's the one that has had unprotected sex with you for 6 years by not putting a condom on his dick. What did he think would happen? Pull out isn't birth control.

Also is he future faking? Is this cold man the real him?

Words are ten a penny. Look at his actions.

Agreed. You need to talk to him, not sit alone catastrophising.

He's been playing Vatican Roulette for 6 years (as were you) Seriously what did he think would happen? Your relationship is over so do what works for you.

Just tell him that you're not having a termination and he either steps up or steps out 🤷‍♀️

If he leaves then he really isn't a man you want to be married to is he?!

You clearly want this baby so congratulations and I hope your dh turns out not to be a complete dick.

Personally I'd tell him you are having the baby regardless. He then either steps up or steps away. Then you can decide if you want / can do it alone or if a termination is right for you.

You want to keep the baby, you keep it. Silly man should have worn a condom or at least withdrew. He knew he was taking a pregnancy risk by having unprotected sex with you, he can’t just demand you abort. Aborting a much wanted baby could stay with you a long time by the sounds of it

There is no way I could stay with someone who insisted I abort a much wanted baby.

There is never the right time to have a baby financially, people much younger have babies with less financial uncertainty.

Why will it be different in two years time? If it was important to avoid pregnancy he should have chosen a more reliable method. I would tell him you cannot abort. He’s promised you a child, well it’s come a bit early.

Tell him you've done a test and it's positive. Hopefully the reality of the situation will make him man up (and he was just being an arse because he was annoyed at you not knowing one way or the other). If he still say he wants you to have a termination then you have to leave him but make sure everyone (particularly his family) know why the relationship has broken down.

Once you've spoken to him, if he still says he doesn't want a child, go home to your family or friends (wherever you feel safe) and make a decision. If you terminate you will be rid of this man forever, if you continue with the pregnancy you are tied to him forever. The good news is you are still young enough to meet a decent man to have children with.

If he says he's not ready, tell him he should have thought about that before he had unprotected sex. He'll just have to get ready and grow up. Keep the baby.

Have the baby , if necessary have it alone and he can just pay maintenance. It sounds like if you had an abortion that the relationship would be over anyway .

So has he said when does he want children? What should happen before he wants to children? What is he doing to make this happen? When will he want to try for children, when you're 31, 35, 40?

I understand what you are saying...
You don't want to go it alone. You want him to be an adult and step up and be a father so you can raise your child together.

Unfortunately you can't control his choices.

I'd sit him down and calmly explain you are pregnant. you know the timing isn't ideal yada yada but it's happening and he needs to make a decision. He needs to go fuck off to his mum's/mates/whatevers until Friday and have a think about what he wants to do. You will talk next weekend not before. Let him sit with his thoughts.

For me...I'd be REALLY clear if he is not willing to step up your marriage is over either way. And I would definitely make him leave your home as it underlines the seriousness of the situation.

Whether you do keep it and go it alone OR you decide to terminate because raising a child alone isn't something you can do is totally your own choice.
The only thing I would say is if you are going to terminate the sooner the better.

I’m 31, my husband has wanted kids for years, I always knew I wanted a family but I wasn’t quiet ready.

In January we made a decision to start trying in March 2023. A week later I found out I was pregnant, he was over the moon, I was excited but scared. We lost that baby in April and it absolutely broke me. I had to have surgery, and was terrified of the potential complications from this. it’s your body not his.
We are now 22 weeks and everything looks good so far.

But we lost a baby I was scared of having, and it was horrendous. You will feel much worse getting rid of a baby you want, because your husband is being selfish. You will resent him.

Do this for you, not him.

It's not your baby's fault they are 'early' according to your husband's imaginary schedule. If you did abort, and have a child later, why would you want the second child to have a father who refused your first? Doesn't sound fatherly. It's your body. You'll get through this. Don't compromise and carry sadness!

Don't let him have control over your life and choices. He already thinks he does! You asked "what should we do" and he said terminate. The possibility that you want something else didn't even enter his head.

I'm all for pro choice but the important thing about choice is that one choice is to keep your baby. If that's the right choice for you, it's what you should do. He might stick around or he might fuck off but if its the latter then he was always a fair weather friend and its better you find out now.

Also, 29/30 isn't that young! Fertility may decline sharply from 35 onwards.

@Lillieanne if he wants you to have a termination after you tell him, he is showing you his true colours. if he truly loves you and wants children, that stance makes no sense. he is either stringing you along or is a cold hearted bastard. either way, even if you do this (especially as he would be making you do it knowing how much he is hurting you) and stay in the relationship with him, you will grow to resent him.

make the decision that you want to make.

tbh such a reaction would give me a massive ick.

I think he’s just gone into melt down panic mode. It is scary when you get pregnant with your first one. Even if planned. It’s a huge situation and something that is going to have a big impact on your life. Tell him you’re definitely pregnant, and it’s not going away, so he needs to get his head sorted. Let him get his head round it. It could be that when he’s faced with the reality that he will be totally onboard with it. Good luck Op. And congratulations.

He's acting like not keeping this baby is nothing. Well it's not nothing and it'll destroy your relationship.. the resentment and guilt would be terrible if you terminate due to his say so.

Do not terminate a pregnancy you want to keep. Completely different if you’re not sure for whatever reason. But if you want this baby and are only contemplating abortion because of his reaction, as someone else has said, it will poison your relationship long term if you go ahead, and may cast a shadow over your happiness with any future children. In the worst case scenario, imagine how you’ll feel if you TTC in a couple of years and have problems.

You’re almost 30, you’ve been together a long time, you’re married, you have a stable income. Nobody’s ever really ready for kids, you just have to jump in do your best - and I know couples who’ve waited just that bit too long for the ‘right’ time and lived to regret it. Your husband sounds like an immature dick, tbh, but I hope for your sake he sees sense and steps up.