My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

I’m glad he’s coming around OP

It sounds like he is a bit of a perfectionist and had this mental plan for his life.

TBH it’s good that he is learning now that not everything will go according to his mental plan, because kids certainly don’t!

Ask him how he would have felt if you’d had the abortion but then struggled to conceive at the “right” time - as many do. Hopefully he will realise that would be a far worse outcome than having a child a couple of years earlier than “the plan”.

'Absent fathers wreak havoc on the mental health of kids'. Here you're assuming he won't be interested at all. I think he won't pull his weight and I wouldn't stay with him but this is a big jump.

Secondly should we list all things bad for kids and say the parents can have kids. I get stressed, maybe I shouldn't have had them. My friends dad smokes so they shouldn't, my parents divorced - I probably shouldn't exist, friend cant cook - kid eats junk, so theres another one. The list goes on.. Most upbringings won't be ideal from everyone's point of view. And apparently 'ideal' upbringings spoil kids so maybe no one should have them.

The withdrawal method is not an effective form of contraception. Wtf is he happy to do that if he doesn't want kids? And he was drunk and didn't pull out on time, so this is HIS fault. Yet he's expecting you to go through the emotional trauma of an abortion on his say-so?

Who made him God?

Do you want this baby?

I'd focus on what YOU want. If you terminate, how will you feel about your h afterwards?

And in future, I suggest you focus on what people do, not what they say. Words are easy: changing how you act is not.

💐

@Lillieanne

I'm so very pleased that your DH thought about his quite cruel and bad reaction to what is actually very happy news!

Congratulations to you both. Allow DH to look after you on your worst days, stock up on Marmite and ginger marmalade, make sure you take a calcium supplement and also have at least 1 pint of milk (milkshake counts!!), a pot of yoghurt, and a matchbox size square of cheese at a minimum everyday! Oily fish is full of DHA and is also brain food for the baby. For 3 of my pregnancies, I craved tuna mayo sandwiches and those 3 now adult children are extremely intelligent so maybe it worked! Beware of soft serve icecream and no more McDonald's milkshakes!

You will both be wonderful parents because, let's face it, you have to love children to be a teacher because you're certainly not in it for the money!

Congratulations again 🎊 🌺

My OH was fully-briefed that we were planning a further child. I kept him updated about contraception and timings. I had an early miscarriage, and told him about it. He was STILL shocked & surprised & not entirely thrilled when I gave him the good news that our youngest was on the way. He came round, loves them to bits, and recently realised one of his big regrets is that we didn't have more!

Some people are very bad at uncertainty. Men instinctively think they can control things, and suddenly it's not controllable, and they can resent a sense that it's been taken from them. It's rubbish of course. And ultimately, your husband's anxiety about life diverging from the dream where he's the superhero is not your problem. It's not your job to make it all perfect or problems go away so that the narrative stays movie-like.

There is a lot of expectation now around what a positive test should feel like, that you should both be euphoric & thrilled etc etc and, I don't know, be persuaded to 'enjoy your pregnancy' & keep everything special (go out to celebrate, make a humorous/cute announcement on your socials, buy lots of things you don't actually need). Perhaps he thought that the actively trying stage is now gone and he never got to enjoy it - who knows!!

Make the most of these precious weeks while you can - but they will pass, and chasing perfect moments rarely helps. The priority is your health and that you have a healthy baby.

Do you think he really means it? It’s an easy thing to say when it’s an abstract concept but less so when there’s an actual pregnancy.

Of course if he does still react the same when you tell him you have to make a decision. I wouldn’t be aborting or for that matter keeping a baby on the say so of a man, it’s your decision not his. He can’t make you have an abortion. If it ends your marriage so be it, aborting when you don’t want to will probably do the same anyway. Plenty of people get pregnant when it’s not ideal and they cope completely fine it’s hardly like you’re in a position that millions of people haven’t brought babies in. Of course abortion would be fine as well, but it needs to be your own choice.

Ah just seen your last update. Glad he’s come round, but I expect it will take some time to get over what he said

£65k isnt that much for most to be honest, kids added. I personally think both have to be into the pregnancy to even make it work in the long run, again, he didnt pull out so she should have assessed the risk beforehand

Wow, how the other half live if 65k 'isn't that much'. Like what dies the kid need golden plated nappies or something?

I said for most (unless you live in Yorkshire or somewhere like that) - In London with the rents being so high/ rise is cost of living. If you think about it, Unless you make 50k , I do not think we can all live very comfy especially by bring kids into it (child care cost, likely one partner will lose out on salary if job will be affected etc.)

We live in the north east of England where the average house price for a three bed home is around £180k. We know it wouldn’t be enough in London but have no intentions to teach there.

@Lillieanne I don't understand your income which you mentioned.

At 29 and if you are on the basic scale and been teaching for at least 6- 8 years you would be on around £38K which is £76K combined.

Not £65K.

Also 3 bed houses in the north east come cheaper than £180k depending where you are talking about, You could get something quite nice for £150 in some towns.

I can't understand why you are renting a 2-bed when a 2-bed home or even a 3-bed (with a mortgage) is affordable.

@Lillieanne
You’ll be fine, enjoy the ride!

Why does your other recent post asking about a pregnancy test say you use condoms?

OK that's nice. Sorry I didn't see this. Yes I'd be the same, I'd not completely forgive his reaction. However, I think it's generally good and hopefully he will learn. I think any of us can make big mistakes and its how we learn from them.

You both have good careers and a sensible income. Congrats xx

Congratulations @Lillieanne
feel free to ignore CynicalOne’s dietary advice. Millions of people across the globe manage to have healthy pregnancies without lactose, and as for - I paraphrase “ eat tune and you will have intelligent children like mine” !

It’s true, you can have a healthy pregnancy without lactose. But, your life doesn’t stop after you give birth, and eventually, you will be old, and there’s risks such as osteoporosis so yeah, err on the side of caution.

As for tuna - there has been a lot of research into DHA and brain growth with in vitro children, so sure, ignore it or not. Fish oil supplements are given to elderly people in hospitals and care homes. Why? Because the DHA helps promote healthy brains!

However, it’s an internet forum and you’d be lucky to find 3 people who agree, let alone a general consensus on anything other than LTB and this is/isn't abuse/unreasonable/insert your choice here!

Have a happy Thursday 🌺

@CynicalOne surely taking a DHA supplement is better than mercury/heavy metal poisoning when even in non pregnant women it’s recommended only to eat tuna 3x per week?
Anyway I’m annoyed at myself I’ve replied to your comment and detailed the OPs thread. And all those with dairy allergies seem to be pregnant just fine. HTH.

Well, tuna isn't the only oily fish and ideally, people should only buy farmed fish. Anyway, as I said previously, each person should suit themselves and I'm not going to argue about tuna or milk or anything else.

Beware of fish supplements as many contain Vitamin A, which in conjunction with a normal healthy diet, is too high for pregnant people. Again, each person should do what suits them 🙂

@Historybooks

I said the options, when OP had not updated their thread. So from her original post, it looked a lot more likely he could just up sticks and leave.

It's possible he could become a doting a father, it was just the initial shock of it. I hope for OP sake, that's the case. I also hope that the child will be healthy and happy as can be. I hope that having the child will be the greatest love/bond she will ever experience.

But the other outcomes are still possible...that he makes her do all childcare stuff, or that he one day leaves or that the child has SEN. All the outcomes won't unravel until the time comes.

There's nothing wrong with listing all the possibilities, both positive and negative, and making yourself aware of them, before making a life changing decision.

Line caught mackrel

Folic supplement

no more McDonald's milkshakes!

I'm pretty sure they're fine. I'm sure they can clean a pipe.

Once the baby is here he will be a doting dad . You wait and see . He will also feel so ashamed and regretful of what he said . This may be your only chance to have a baby OP . There is no guarantee you will fall pregnant again .

Good signs that he's coming round OP. Give him a few weeks, and hopefully he'll be in full "expectant new dad mode" researching the safest car seats and building cots. 💕

I'm pleased mumsnet could help and so glad your dh has come around. Sounds like he was scared and has genuinely had a good think. Try to put it behind you now and both enjoy looking forward and planning for your lovely new baby's arrival xx