Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@NervesOfCotton not sure how I missed your update. Still surprises me the gall of some people!

I’ve been lurking on here for a while. I’ve been on dating sites for just over a year after a very long time of being single. I’ve had my fair share of guys just wanting sex, ghosting and looking nothing like their pics.

I’ve been talking to one guy although at the time not very seriously and it turned quite matey for the last couple of months. He’s funny and like the male version of me. He asked me on a date to my surprise and the time went so fast. There was no awkwardness and neither of us wanted it to end. We went on a second date last night and it was lovely and we’re planning for a third.

I thought I’d just made a mate and after giving up on OLD I thought I wouldn’t be meeting any guys.

I’m glad I took the chance as at first I thought it would be a bit of a waste of a date.

YuleLog86

aweee ! That’s so nice
I think starting as friends is such a positive foundation

Well got a match from
Speed dating though decided against continuing the chat with the bloke who said - and I quote - I’m looking for a nawty gurl with a durty mind (sic) 🤦‍♀️

Well have seen Mr Wozfunnest at another mutual friend party this weekend and think I gotten over him. The same group are organising a NYE party -for the last two years we have gone together and I realise I don’t have to do this year -I have agency to decide to go somewhere he is not 😁 So there is progress. Still think about him so much but try to reframe it as happy for amazing good times we had but that I dodged a bullet with his unreliability and insecurity that would have been awful in a marriage or live-on relationship.

Ugh SamW. Mine was ok, had 4 matches but I've un-matched 2 so will see.

There was one who said something about 'Sending you some vivid, animal, wild experience for your colourful psyche'. I said 'Er, ok!' & he said 'Wot, u not up 4 dat? Wot ur problem gurl?'

Well there was a turn of events yesterday. I saw said man who ghosted. He spoke to me and I think from what I could tell he has some unresolved issues with his ex. Brilliant. He apologised for not replying to me and said I’ll message you later.
woke up to a message not really saying much. So I just said (in summary), “it seems you have a lot going on, I don’t want to add to that, you know where I am”.
Do you think this was a good idea? I think I made it clear I’m giving him space, but I’m not mad at him so he can talk to me if anything changes. Also given him a get out of jail free card if he just didn’t know how to say he just wasn’t interested anymore, but I’d rather that than get messed around.

In my experience, they just disappear again and then you're cross with yourself for the second chance.

You've also said he has unresolved issues with ex. Throw this one back.

I think it has helped a little though in that it wasn’t a “me” issue, but definitely a “him” issue. It’s a shame as I did like him, but he’s hung up on the ex and nothing will change that so I’ve removed myself from the situation and will move on with my head held high.

onwards and upwards.

dating is brutal, you have to protect yourself, your emotions and dignity. Better suited to/ for you is on the way😘

Thank you. I have learned through the work I have been doing that I tend to lean into anxious actions when I feel someone pulling away, which only makes it worse. But this time I’ve resisted all urges to do that and leave him to it.
i’m taking a break from dating for now. I have a lot of nice plans with friends coming up and I’ve just gone back to the gym so I’m focusing on that for now.

Dear God they’re grim 🤦‍♀️

Ive actually started chatting to one who lives outside my normal distance criteria but drifted into the zone visiting his mum and so far so good.
He’s a really good communicator which is so important to me. Unusually for OLD he uses complete sentences and all that 🤣 it’s a breath of fresh air after the monosyllabic grunting I’m used to

Sounding promising SamW, I hope it carries on going well.

The ending to last night for me, one did the whole 'Actually, I'm not really free much to physically meet but you are welcome to come to mine whenever you like'.

The other one turned from a perfectly nice, normal sounding man on the Speed dating, into a sex-crazed lunatic off the speed dating.

OLD is definitely a head wreck. One of the irons I met early days after starting dating again has stayed in contact...purely in a friendly way...a message once every 3 or 4 months. I've told partner about this as there's nothing untoward.
He messaged Sunday to say he'd seen me out on Saturday night and that I looked well and could we meet up for a drink over Christmas.
I obviously told him honestly, again that I was in a relationship.
You just never know and it would seem that people come back time and again.
Have only managed lunch together once in about 10 days so our "relationship" is feeling distant and he has commitments the next 2 weekends 🤷‍♀️

Back with an update after a little while away! Mr Analogue didn't take breaking up very well. He was determined we could make it work and talk it out. He simply wouldn't take no for an answer I ended up blocking him on absolutely everything, then he emailed me! Safe to say I ignored it. He lives a good distance away so the chances of bumping into him are very low. Thank goodness. I liked him but our lives were just not compatible. I admittedly got the ick towards the end after some of the things he said.

I stayed off OLD since the whole experience with Mr Analogue left a poor taste in my mouth. Especially his attitude towards me being a single mum and children in general. Even though he'd 'accepted' that I had a son 🤢.

But this isn't a bad update by any means!

I've been attending an adult learning course since September to attend uni next year in a subject I didn't study at A-level. And that is where I have met The American. We've become quite good friends since the start of my course and admittedly I fancied him quite a lot from the beginning (it's hard not to, he's bloody gorgeous). Which over the past month has blossomed into a very lovely relationship. He's ridiculously kind, considerate and has behaved like an absolute gentleman. I honestly feel like a giggly teenager again and I am absolutely smitten. Almost embarrassingly so. He has met all my immediate family apart from my little boy and has a big old seal of approval from them. He's coming over on Christmas. It feels very fast but also very right. Less like dating someone new, more like meeting an old friend.

Am I being completely ridiculous? It's quite possible. Am I falling head over heels? It's certain.

Aw @Itssnotunusual how lovely. Hope it continues to go well for you both.

Have only managed lunch together once in about 10 days so our "relationship" is feeling distant and he has commitments the next 2 weekends

@LuckyLinda3 Is it that your plans just haven't aligned or have there been instances when you could have met but didn't?

Would video calls help?
I hate them personally but if I'm not seeing someone for ages then I will do them.

@Itssnotunusual He has met all my immediate family apart from my little boy and has a big old seal of approval from them. He's coming over on Christmas

It might be too fast,it might not be. What's his status in the UK? Does he have a full visa to live and work here? Apologies for my cynicism.

I don't understand the comment you made about Christmas. Is he spending Christmas with you and your son? Or is your son at his Dad's and you'll see Mr American? How old is your son?

Morning @SortingItOut, a bit of both but mostly schedules not aligning. I'm a bit of a planner where he's more lastminute.com so when I know he has stuff on that interferes with us seeing each other I've been stepping back and letting him figure it out even though I know he will usually meet his commitments and think about us then.
He calls in passing for 5 mins even when he is working and messages a lot. He'll also call me when he gets home after a 13hr shift. I really do believe his intentions are 100% but I still get frustrated at the lack of quality time. This month is a disaster.
I suppose really at times it all feels so casual because I feel I'm second to football a lot but then he is heavily involved and his son is on the team.
Sorry for the rant

LuckyLinda Rant away! Sounds extremely frustrating for you. Have you got much time together in January do you know? I know it won't help now, but just some nice time together to look forward to kind of thing.

Itssnotunusual It's very fast, just be aware of the usual warning signs, love bombing etc. I hope it works out for you!

Has anybody noticed men smoking cigars on their photos & stating that they don't smoke?
I've seen it a few times. I swipe on by but do wonder, are they lying about not smoking? Did they used to smoke but no longer do? Do they not think that cigars 'Count'? Puzzling OLD thought of the day

He's been here a few years now and moved over with his mum as a young teen who is British and has citizenship ect. Has a full time job, very much legit job aside from the course were both on and is eligible for the course so can only assume he's in the clear in this aspect. Not dodgy at all.

He will be coming over on Christmas after my little one goes to his dad's (I have Christmas morning as that is the bigger tradition for me, he has Christmas dinner). Son is 2. They have not met yet and this isn't going to be before Christmas. He met my family as he attended an event with me that my family joined later as opposed to an official 'meet the parents' kind of arrangements.

@NervesOfCotton thank you 😊. Yes we have a family birthday in January, a weekend away in February and a wedding weekend in March to look forward to.
As you say it's just frustrating right now and we also don't spend Christmas day together. I am really trying to keep my cool as I have a tendency to blow when stressed and Christmas is a bit stressful for all. Exh looking to have kids Christmas day for dinner with his new partner and her daughter (who the kids haven't met yet) so a lot going on. Good thing is our kids are 23 and 18 so well able to deal with things now and I'm very settled so can easily do Christmas alone now. We have to be grateful for the small wins 😁

Yep my speed dating match asked me if I’m into raunchy stuff no wot I mean - unmatched 🤣🤣

Still chatting to the unexpected match. We like same music which I never find at my age - told him about a party in a London pub I’m at next weekend and so hes got tickets for him and his friends. So we’ll get to meet with our friends around so not a date but actually a chance to meet in a normal social environment

Sounds good @SamW98 !

As a man, it is really fascinating to read this thread. I'm here for genuine reasons. Please don't shoot me down :-)

I have had a number of on / off phases with one-line dating. I have met some fabulous women, on Bumble in particular. I have also learnt a huge amount about myself, and have self-critically analysed my approch to dating.

Essentially, I reliased that I was really needy, and always had been. 2 years away got me into the state of mind where I was really, really happy in my own company and then the realisation that I wanted, but did not NEED a partner.

So liberating. I think the 'keeping your own peronal space' angle is key to this.

Really interesring to read how many of you are looking to date, but keep distance. I think that's actually something most of the men my age (50 divorce underway, two amazing teens) are looking for too.

Any questions, please fire away.