Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LabradorOwner9 hello and welcome. Fair play for doing the work on yourself. So many don't and just carry on repeating the same mistakes. I'm late 40's but very happy to continue to date without marriage/moving in. I still commit and invest but without cohabitation.
Being happy with your lot as @SamW98 often says really is the key.

Welcome @LabradorOwner9 it’s always good to get a male perspective.

Interesting that you say that men your age are looking for similar to many of us mature women. Wish I could meet someone who wants the same. Unfortunately there’s a lot of men on OLD who seem to only want a FWB. Or maybe they do want more but just don’t word it very well. And sadly there’s a lot of sex pests out there who make it harder for the genuine guys as so many of us women are now bored and cynical about OLD because of this.

Im totally with you that time on your own is the best gift you can give yourself. Im so much happier and relaxed having been single for a few years. So same as you I’d like to meet someone but it’s not the be all and end all. And whoever I meet, I would never again revolve my life around them. Yea, they’ll be a big and important part but I think having separate lives and interests is vital for a healthy partnership.

Feel free to keep us up to date with your dating stories and just generally get involved. As you can see, we’re a welcoming and supportive bunch

Goodness me, my typos. I should check 'wot I rite' :-)

Hi @LuckyLinda3 , being happy with your lot is the answer. I just wish I'd had the self-knowledge to be in that state years ago! I genuinely think many potentially excellent partnerships are ruined by cohabitation. The slide towards becoming effectively housemates or ships-that-pass-in-the-night, is a real shame.

Thanks @SamW98 ! I'm sadly not surprised that there are a lot of sex-pests. It's an outrage and very depressing, but sadly I see it reflected in the experiences of friends, and also - I think - my ex.

Believe it or not, us men (or the type who I associated with), do try to police each other, as much as we can. The thought of my (now 19 year old) daughter being exposed to this part of humanity worries me.

There are definitely a lot of men who seek out FWB. I think as the years pass though, especially where we emerge from the other side of parenthood, most of us want a partnership, an equal partnership, for the rest of our lives. We want that one person with whom it all clicks, and enables us to delete the app(s).

You can really pick up on the cynicism of OLD amongst women, and it's understandable. This is where I like Bumble, you know if you receive a message, it's an active approach where there is something sparking a bit of interest, however small. I never cease to be amazed by the amount of d!!k pics you all apparently receive.

There's also a defeatist school of thought amongst us men that we are heavily outnumbered, that you are all wading through hundreds of matches. I think this builds its own cynical response, with some blokes seeing OLD as being a transactional thing where they won't really stand out as a partner, and sex being as good as it gets.

I have had a couple of connections where friends from 20 years ago, a uni friend in one instance, got back in touch. That was magical, as it was a case of having a second chance to make a connection which did not materialise first time round. A real whirlwind of emotion and passion as it subconsciously boosted the "feeling young again" emotions. It didn't work out in the end, but it was an intense relationship with a mature and caring conclusion.

I have found OLD to be brutal at times. Some connections have ended really abruptly. Never with the intent to hurt, but ouch it can sting. Going offline for a while is sometimes essential.

If it does seem like an ocean or d!!k pics or pests, hopefully if you persevere you can find a good man. Even if we our clumsy or not great of expressing ourselves I think deep down we all want somebody to wake up next to, cuddling on the cold winter weekend mornings.

@LabradorOwner9 “You can really pick up on the cynicism of OLD amongst women, and it's understandable. This is where I like Bumble, you know if you receive a message, it's an active approach where there is something sparking a bit of interest, however small. I never cease to be amazed by the amount of d!!k pics you all apparently receive.”

The thing is on Bumble, many men swipe right on every woman. So when you invariable match and send a message they don’t reply, because it is only then that they look at your profile and decide not to continue. Then you get wary of sending yet another ignored message (because you MATCHED) and don’t bother.

LuckyLinda3

I hope you have some nice birthday things planned
you have known for a while you won’t be seeing your fella over this period , so knowing this I hope you can crack on , wobble free ?

I heard so much about Bumble being different because the woman initiates but it’s not really like that. The actual scenario is that the woman can send a cold message to any man, who may or may not have looked at her profile and made a conscious decision to right swipe. So it’s not really any different from cold messaging on any other app.

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated...you really seem to get me. Yes I'm much more content that I was this time last year. I know it's not intentional and I know he misses our time together too.

Apologies for coming back to this the next day.
@LuckyLinda3 I'm a bit of a planner where he's more lastminute.comso when I know he has stuff on that interferes with us seeing each other I've been stepping back and letting him figure it out even though I know he will usually meet his commitments and think about us then

Isn't this a game he can't win as he doesn't even know it's a game?
I think in relationships you always get one person who is a planner and one who is more relaxed. If it was me I'd be asking when I can next see him as I am also a planner, the casual attitude to seeing each other fills me with dread😱😂

It's really lovely he calls by sometimes even if only for 5 minutes, it shows he does love and care for you.

I suppose really at times it all feels so casual because I feel I'm second to football a lot but then he is heavily involved and his son is on the team

My opinion is probably different from so many others but of course you are 2nd to football, if you are heavily involved with football teams it takes up a huge chunk of your life.
He was doing it before you came along so he should continue it.
If a partner asked me to reduce my time doing a hobby in order to see them more, I'd see that as a red flag.

A guy I was seeing as FWB/relationship lite a while back told me he felt he wasn't a priority in my life and I told him that he was but would never be my top priority as priorities above him included my family, my job, friends and hobbies.
I told him to get a better life with more hobbies and not to revolve his life around me.

I've done the whole life revolves around a partner when I was married with children because that's what you do but I wouldn't do it again.

I know I ask this question regularly and then forget the answer 🤦‍♀️ but what do you have in your life to fill your time so you are not waiting for him to be available to see you?

@NervesOfCotton The cigar thing is odd.....usually they don't smoke day to day but occasionally when they go out or meet up with friends they have a cigar.
So in their eyes they don't smoke🤷‍♀️😂

@Itssnotunusual Thank you for taking my post in the spirit it is intended amd answering my questions.

I say enjoy what you have and have a lot of fun.

Spending Christmas night together sounds lovely 🥰 and I'm really pleased to hear that you are not introducing him to your son for the time being.

interesting or disappointing as a man

as a separate comment, I don’t understand Bumble
having tried it for 2 weeks, I ve had 3 likes from ladies, as I understand it, the lady has to send a message, I can only reply to it?
so why like me but send no message?

LuckyLinda3

I think SortingItOut makes some fair points on the football

I have noticed that men are very VERY good at boundaries and keeping their life and commitments , better than women sometimes !

4u2no Oh I don't know how it works from the men's side, do you have to like them back & then they can message?

From the Female side, we can like anybody but they have to 'like' or 'Swipe Right' on us, then it tells us we have a match, & THEN we can message

... And then they never answer the messages anyway

SortingItOut I think that's probably it!
I remember one on the other dating site, saying 'I do smoke but I'll have one in the car then come to meet you & I'll just need to pop off for a smoke once during the date but apart from that it will be like I don't smoke'

@SortingItOut and @Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for your comments. I don't think I'm making a game of this but will give that thought.
I agree about football and that why I never ask him to choose or ask for time that clashes with that but its not just match time, its often hours in the pub after so i dont think im being unreasonable. If anything I work around his work/football schedule every week but that's also why I like him to step up and make the most of the time we can have together.
I have a very busy life so I'm not sitting around waiting on him but I want to be one of his priorities and have communicated that too.

I tend to assume the worst about people so I've been through all this in my own head- don't worry! I think he's possibly picked up on this and even told me when buying a me a coffee the other day he was doing it because he wants to and not because he wants something from me.

I didn't realise I oozed suspicion like that!

I think he may actually be a genuinely lovely human being and sadly that's simply just not what I'm used to 😅.

For a bit of extra context I'm living with my parents till I finish with my studies and he's doing the same so meeting the parents was going to have to happen sooner rather than later simply due to that!

The football thing is interesting to me because I grew up in the shadow of a football stadium and therefore surrounded by supporters. I always adopted a bit of a if you can’t beat em join em mentality as there was no escaping the impact that it had on everyone who lived there.
I actually met my Ex H in a pub after last match of season when my mate was running late and the pub was rammed with boisterous football supporters celebrating promotion to premier league and it was a great atmosphere. For most of our relationship he was a season ticket holder so pretty much every other Saturday, he disappeared so I made most of it and met friends, went on shopping trips etc.

The last guy dated wanted us to do everything together, got the hump when I wanted girls nights out, weekends away etc - though it was different when he did it funny that 🤔

If I meet anyone now, I won’t be giving up my friend time, girls weekends and holidays. I can do all of that stuff with him too but for me, separate lives as well as time together is absolutely essential.

Well, the way it works for me is that we swipe left or right the same way. If you also swipe right, there's a match queue at the top of the screen.

There's a countdown once we've matched which runs for 24 hours. If the woman doesn't start a chat in tha time, the match expires. Only the woman can start the chat, the man can't initiate the chat. We do have the option of extending the 24 hours but that's it.

It doesn't solve all the problems with the apps, but at least you only end up chatting if you want to, so in theory stops unwanted bloke chat.

Often you do see on women's profiles on Bumble "I can't see likes, please message me" - but I don't think that works at all. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong.

I just happen to have met more like-minded women on Bumble. Hinge seemed ok but the app is a bit fiddly.

Tinder just seems to me to be a total hook up app. Everybody states "NO ONS - swipte left", and that's fine, but it does seem to be sex after a few dates, and nothing deeper than that. Not for me, personally.

Oh yes, and to reply to the men "never reply anyway" comment.

I don't understand why they do that, either receiving sooo many matches that they can't keep up, or using the app as an ego-boosting, dopamine-hit generating game which is just sad.

If I match, I hope to chat.

50 = too old for games :-)

LabradorOwner It's the same then, just we have to message first & they have 24 hours to reply. The men I'm 'Matching' with are 40's/50's. I think it's a combination of ego boost & 'Swipe on everybody & read profiles later'.

I swiped Right a few times by mistake when I first joined, & had to get used to the swipey thing! & if those ones matched with me then I instantly unmatched so as not to leave them waiting for a message.

The whole 'Not looking for a ONS/Looking for a LTR', I've spoken about on here before, some men just say that to get the women interested, & then turns out it is exactly what they are after (I've been told this by a few on the 'Message anybody' site, when I queried why they had LTR listed)

Just see a profile that said ‘extremely tactile so must be prepared to kiss and cuddle on demand otherwise swipe left’

Yep walking red flag right there! I imagine he also means - have sex on demand

SamW98 Ugh, don't they realise how that comes across! The word 'demand' is so sexy... (Not!)

I have a Hinge date tonight and my heart’s really not in it.

He seems okay but a characteristic that turned out to be a red flag in my last relationship but isn’t a red flag per se is staring me IN THE FACE*

I know I should give him a chance and I’m just being silly, but sometimes we can’t help how we feel. :(

*The red flag is that he lives quite close to his parents (very unusual in inner London) and he temporarily moved back home recently and has has only been living on his own again for 6 months. He’s mid-30s.

@Crushed23 it may not be silly. Sometimes I think our bodies know before we do.
When I first arranged to meet Dating disaster guy (I have come to call him!) I just got this overwhelming feeling to cancel. My heart wasn’t in it at all. But I went ahead. I had a lovely time and a follow on dates which were also nice. But then he just went flaky and disappeared and seems to have issues with the ex. I think that made the blow even more bitter as I started out not that fussed, ended up liking him and then still it didn’t work out.
so was that maybe my body telling me something? Who knows. It could have just been coincidence.
But listening to how you really feel is never silly.