Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@RadiantRainbow no I'm not on standbye at all... I guess I just want the day to come and go so I can draw a line under it! For some reason I feel like I can't until that happens 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's just shit. Like why not just cancel. I wouldn't care less if he just cancelled...

So, Mr American and I ended things due to me trying to set a boundary and him not accepting or respecting it whatsoever. I'm not upset as I thought I'd be to be honest, I was starting to get the feeling this wasn't going to work out. It was a boundary that needed setting but I think part of me wanted to set it to see his reaction- it was absolutely graceless and reaffirmed what I was thinking about ending things anyway.

I'm tentative about getting back into online dating or dating of any kind- I'm not sure I really have space for it now or will do for some time but I guess for the right person I'd want to make time.

I actually put my Bumble on hold for 3 days and watching a film tonight then tomorrow discussing it in a video call with my mum, sister, cousin and a friend, we started a sort of film club like a book club...films which can be examined from a psychological point of view mostly, including and esp relationships.
Then the half term starts and the first half of the week I will be doing stuff with the kids anyway...

That sounds a nice distraction! I like the idea of the film club. Yes Half term will help for sure. My distraction was comforting the dog while all the Chinese new year fireworks were going off! 🤦🏻‍♀️
Both of my nice little connections have fizzled out it seems so I'm going to take a step back too and build my self esteem with things that make me feel good about myself. It's a brutal scene!

Just me again... needing to off load with people who "get it".
So I haven't heard from my date last week. We were supposed to be meeting up tomorrow. He asked to meet up, he said he was excited about it and seemed enthusiastic and he brought it up during the week too but now I've not heard from him since Thursday, left me unread, and I've been ghosted.

I know that this is just part of the game. I know my skin needs to be thicker but for some reason this has really pissed me off this time.

I've been ghosted so many times before.... I should be used to it. But this guy seemed so nice and genuine and on my wave length and I'm just fuming about it.

Why couldn't he just text and say he's changed his mind?! It's just SO rude. I feel like texting him calling him up on thsi but I won't because there's no point and I'm not lowering myself to that!
Minthink moving forward I just need to be more direct about these sort of things.

I'll draw a line in the sand tomorrow and I'll be fine. Like i said I needed to get this off my chest. Feel sad and deflated :(

I've been single over 4 years. And even before mt last relationship I was always the one being ghosted. Always. Will it ever end 😔.

@mintmagnum3 I'm a long time lurker, but I had to reply to you (I'm recently single will not be dating for a very long time).

You have every right to feel pissed off. It's just common courtesy to let someone know either way.

Sure, it's the nature of the game. Some will, some won't. And while I can appreciate that online dating allows us to meet people, we otherwise wouldn't. It also encourages treating people like "expendable things" if that even makes sense.

Thick skin required, yes. High self esteem required too. But you would need to have skin of steel to not be affected by constant ghosting, objectification, and just general fuckery from these men on a daily/weekly basis. So there is nothing wrong with you for feeling bad about it. Why wouldn't you? Take care of you. X

@mintmagnum3

Enthusiastic, nice, genuine and on your wavelength and then disappearing is far more unpleasant than someone you didn’t feel a connection with.

It’s obviously a “him” issue, realised not ready for a relationship, you made things too real because he also felt a connection etc, could be a 100 reasons but still SUCKS!

And leaves you completely bewildered, and there’s no excuse for ghosting, at least not after a real life meeting. .. but the build-up and then the comedown must be the worst.

I screenshotted a relationship coach’s words yesterday for myself

It’s not exactly applicable to your or my situation @mintmagnum3 , I underlined for myself at the time the main message for myself, but honestly it’s very difficult to do when there’s not many people you feel anything for in the first place.

However trying to do your best to focus on one’s life and see dating as a bonus rather than a goal is the only way to survive the game, I feel

@RadiantRainbow @Butterfly2025
Aww thank you both for the replies, I really appreciate it.
That screen shot makes perfect sense, and I'll definitely take that forward.

I just think it's so unnecessary. One message would've sauced me alot if stress this week :(
I feel like I've wasted today being irritated!

It was just nice having that tiny little on-site into that world having been alone for so long too. Hopefully I'll find my person soon ❤️

Just checking though... I am right to have not chased him about tomorrow aren't I?
He didn't open or reply to my message on Thursday but he literally started the convo, in fact he's started all of our convos.... I seemingly ended them 😂
I won't message him now, but in the future would you guys have messaged in this instance like a "hey we still on for **day" or would you just leave it?

I would say 100% leave it. If by some magic he is still planning to meet up he will let you know, but any kind of relationship(even casual) with anyone that leaves you guessing is bad for one's mental health, getting involved with people like that is similar to self-harming.
Even if the date is still on(which looks extremely unlikely) you asking again isn't gonna help things!

And we all get what we settle for, so don't settle for lack of respect, and him not replying and making you feel needy is terrible and disrespectful. I mean even if he suddenly pops up and pretends to assume you've been on for another date all along I'd be very careful (I mean I probably wouldn't go but I understand if you are lonely/curious/have nothing else to do etc and might want to go for entertainment value, if you are sure you won't get emotionally attached a little bit more)

@mintmagnum3 Just a message to give you my support. I can understand why you feel hurt. You go on a date, you talk, you share information about your life, you click and feel a connection. Then he's too weak to let you know what's going on. I think the problem is when you obviously click it's harder to give a reason for not going further so you're blanked/ghosted. I have had messages that give no reason, I mean literally no reason. I mentioned one on this thread "I had a nice evening, regards" it's easy to say "I don't think we clicked" but when you do and there's another reason it probably is one that won't reflect well on him, my rejection on Friday was " You're lovely and very interesting but my hunch is we wouldn't work out" and on reflection he might really have meant " I am from a wealthy background and have just got divorced and and am looking forward to some fun and casual sex" but he's not going to write that. I haven't got thick skin, and like you I find this all sad and shit . Big big hug to you my friend.

Aww thank you both!
You're both absolutely right and it's nice to talk to people who get the feeling! I think I was just so irritated by it yesterday. It's just so cruel to ghost people. I kept my day free, which is hard work when you have children!!
I didn't message him and I had no intentions of doing so, I guess I was just meaning moving forward I think I need to be more forward about what's going on as I don't want to be feeling like this again! (Most likely will 🙈).

I think they don’t know what to say so just trot out ‘let’s do this again’ or the like rather than be honest.

I had a couple of dreadful dates last year. One where he sat nursing an orange juice and giving one word responses then told me he had to dash off to take his dad to Tesco - then said ‘let’s do this again’ 🤷‍♀️

The other was painful. It was obvious there was no attraction and the killer was when the bull came up and he sat with his hands in his pockets making no attempt to pay or offer to split. I paid as it was embarrassing for the young lad standing with the card machine in front of us and the guy never said a word - not even thank you. Then as we got outside he asked if we could go for food. I refused and said no there was no point continuing the date - and he looked confused. Then he messaged asking if he’s what I’m looking for. I replied no and he asked if I could tell him why 🤦‍♀️

My latest date was a strange one. Loads of physical attraction, but I can sense he's a player and couldn't imagine being in LTR with him

@SamW98 that is so wild. I wonder if he was expecting you to pay for the meal too? He gave the least and then couldn't understand why you wasn't interested.

I’m not someone who thinks the man should always pay but ffs he should have offered to split at the very least not just sit on his hands.
It was a bar I go to regularly so I was too embarrassed to let the poor young lad stand with the card machine waiting. In hindsight maybe I should have Said ‘shall we split this?’ it was only 2 rounds of drinks (and one round was coffees as we both drove) so wouldn’t break the bank but I just wanted to get it done so I could run

@SamW98 the audacity! He must have thought himself of a bit of a catch 😆

Thing is the date was awful even before the bill arrived 🤣
We met at 2pm Saturday afternoon in a cafe/bar in a town centre and he arrived wearing a suit and tie and even had a handkerchief in his jacket pocket. Plus he had mirrored sunglasses on - soon as I saw him my heart sank.

Has anyone tried paid sites, so elitesingles etc

@SamW98 oh no!! But I had to laugh at the mirrored sunglasses 😳

So... I have a coffee date planned for tomorrow. We've only chatted via WhatsApp messages so far.. I am someone who needs to confirm plans the day before, but I worry that I'll seem too keen!
Do any of you also do this? I was thinking just a simple short message like "hi, hope you've had a nice weekend. Just checking we're still on for coffee tomorrow?"
In my experience this is prime time for ghosting so I'd rather know now if she's going to do that.
I also looked her up on Instagram to check she was a real person (I always do this) but I accidentally clicked on her stories, so there's a real chance I've already scared her off 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Aren't you messaging most days anyway?

Can't you do the 'How was your weekend' message this morning and then as you chat hopefully coffee will be mentioned and if not just say that you're looking forward to coffee tomorrow.
Have you agreed a location and time?

We aren't messaging every day- probably because we're both after something more casual...
I'll try the how was your weekend message and see what she says. I think I just have a gut feeling that she's going to bail on me!

You don't sound too keen at all! Do it, find out what's going on and enjoy your day ☺️

If you'd made plans with anyone else you would check in wouldn't you? It's perfectly reasonable and Norma 🙂

The message you wrote sounds perfect!