Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Holibobby I think unless he's on an expedition or in a place with no signal there isn't a reason for not keeping in contact. I think some men blow hot and cold, or hot and tepid. I think consistency is really important. You might like a guy and he might declare his feelings but it's consistency and reliability that make me feel secure in a relationship.

@Holibobby but were you quite reserved in your replies?
Could it be that he lost hope that you would be equally enthusiastic and decided to match your energy?
Or were you always just as chatty back as him?

I agree with everyone else that unexplained inconsistency messes with your head the most. But in your case are you sure you didn’t make him feel needy so he backed off?

@VenturingOut80

It’s so unusual to keep it going for five weeks and not get overinvested into a wrong one or for it not to fizzle out!

Were you chatting to other people too at the same time and did you have a feeling that he stood out among others and that he might be the one, or it only became clear when you met?

In any case, such a lovely update and gives us all hope!

I have a question for everyone, does it happen that you like the guy in a couple of his pictures, but in a couple of others he either looks quite different/has a different vibe, or sometimes looks 10 years younger and half the size in his first two pictures and then like his own uncle or something in others?!

I wonder if anyone would truly post a selection of pictures of themselves over the years and what the point of it is 🤔

@RadiantRainbow ...I use pictures that are very current, as in the last year. I asked a guy about one of his pictures and he confessed it was 30 years old ! I mean what's the point. I would just ask. That being said I take a good photo and I know I look better in pictures then real life so I think on that score I must be quite a disappointment!

@Livelifelaughter 30 year old photo 🤦‍♀️

To ask them I need to swipe right and I am not willing to take the risk if the worse looking pictures are the most current 😬
I mean I would if there were lots of other interesting things about the profile but when I am already not sure, I pass, but sometimes semi-regretfully

I never swipe for anyone with only one or two photos as I’ve seen so many profiles where 1 pic they look ok then the others I think ‘no’

I’m off the apps at mo but I always changed my pics so that none of them were older than a few months. I can’t understand why people used ancient ones. Do they think we don’t notice on the date they’re 20 years older? Honestly if I arrived on a date and he looked noticeably different to his profile, I’d cut the date short - not wasting my time.

Ive not had old pics but I’ve had a couple knock years off their age and add inches to their height - one ever argued he WAS 6 ft and I must be taller than I think.

@Livelifelaughter I have the same fear of looking better in my pics than in real life, I don’t use any filters etc but just knowing about the light/angle is enough. I showed my profile pics to family and they say I look the same in real life but they see me subjectively because they know me already…

some pictures taken of me in a social setting (then posted on sm 😑) make me horrified, is that what I really look like?

To be honest, pictures can’t give a true idea of anyone truly because they aren’t 3d and are static, while we are not flat and our faces look different from different angles and change when we talk. People would be better off posting videos of themselves 🤔

@SamW98

You are taller than you think 🤭🤭
hilarious

I’ve seen a few where I think you are obviously not 49 but more like 54-55, why not just write 54, you just end up coming across like a very worn out 49 year old rather than normal looking 55 yo!

Yesterday one guy’s profile said 48 and he looked like I remember my grandpa looked when I was already at secondary school, I thought surely no one would swipe right on him because it was so glaringly obvious he was lying about his age🤷‍♀️

Saying that I ended up going on a walk/mini-hike with just one guy on Sunday, was supposed to be a small group thing but because trains were cancelled no one could make it except him because he was the actual organiser and I live within walking distance.

At some point during the walk he said for my 40th my partner at the time and I went to Morocco, so how many years ago was that? I was fully expecting him to say 12-15 years ago and then he said 5 years ago 😮 I was in shock. He had a deeply lined face and broken teeth and a general haggard old man look about him 🫣 and turned out he was 45. Some men just don’t look after themselves at all it appears…

I when on a date with a guy from OLD who said he was 53 and 5’11. When we met first thing I noticed was he was probably about 5’9 - I’m 5’7 and he was only very slightly taller than me.

We actually got on well and were chatting about all sorts. We got into the subject of holidays and he mentioned going away for his 60th - I had to say ‘thought you’re 53’ he looked at me confused and denied he’d ever said that. So I showed him his profile and he said ‘oh that must be a typo’. That would be a bit more convincing if his username wasn’t XXXX(his name)1970 - typo my arse

@Holibobby What was he like in person?

I was chatting to other people and so was he. We would have met sooner but I went on holiday, then he did! We met when he got back. He definitely stood out though, the chat was funny, friendly and not at all suggestive. I had no inkling he might be ‘the one’ until we met though. In all honesty I wasn’t even looking for a serious relationship just yet, but here I am 😂

According to my guy I’m the opposite. He has since said he was blown away when I walked into the pub for our first date, my photos didn’t do me justice apparently!

I try to ask them questions that I think should make it easier to ask out: what's your weekend plans, seeing a movie, favourite pubs/ cafes (or anything in their profile that you might like to do as well). In fact, I've just sent one of these messages for a guy, we've been chatting a week so that's long enough in my mind. If he doesn't suggest anything, I will just have to do it, can't keep small talk up with a stranger too much longer - I agree with you there!

What dates/ times you find best to match with people/ start talking? Thursdays/ Sundays evenings?

Another Rejection!
So met a really lovely guy this morning and we chatted etc and then we both had appointments. He left saying "really lovely to meet you it would be great to chat some more" so I sent a thank you message and said if he would like to meet again I would like to ..
So I get a reply saying he found me lovely and interesting but had a feeling we wouldn't work out and has learned to trust his gut.
I don't really get it, obviously not feeling it is not feeling it, but it's a bit different from how we left things.
Honestly, I don't really get it. I haven't done dating really since Pre COVID and it's as though a second date is asking for too much...

Oh I'm so sorry. It's just absolutely sh*t isn't it :(
So disappointing and confusing... I totally get it.
The guy I was chatting to seems to have dropped off the face of the planet. We were supposed to be meeting up this weekend but it's obviously not happening. It's just hard to move on from it incase he randomly messages about meeting up and I've read the signals wrong.
I'm feeling deflated and frustrated too. Sending love ❤️

@mintmagnum3 thank you for your kindness. I look at myself and wonder what's wrong with me. I feel it's age, when I was younger I could really pick and choose but it's so not like that now.

I think it could be harmful to frame it as rejection, you could drive yourself very down seeing it like that. If he didn't like you enough for it to go further, it's no loss, because then it wasn't for you either and it's better to know straight away.

It is confusing if they appear enthusiastic and then turn out not to be, but I wonder if it is just being polilte? Or possibly liking you as a person but not as a date and feeling unable to say it to your face. Though to be honest saying it would be lovely to chat some more to me sound like something incredibly non-committal(i.e. a NO)

After hearing something like that I definitely would not be following up myself because if a man is really interested he would let you know and get round to organising another meeting, however shy he is...well that's my experience anyway.

Though I had an experience where a nice man wouldn't progress with me because he decided he couldn't because he was in a worse financial position than me, and even though I liked him I wouldn't try to do anything about it, say, attempt to convince him that these things aren't what determines the success of a relationship etc.
So it shows they can be truly interested but reject the idea of a relationship with you anyway, and the only way to survive it is to treat it all as part and parcel of the dating journey.

So every date could be like a mini-adventure or exploration and then you sit back and see if that road leads any further or it was just a side road/dead end you encountered on your journey. Not getting your hopes up about anything and going out more with the idea that it's interesting to meet new people in your life and polish your social skills. Some may end up being friends actually and it's a good thing I think.
It has no reflection on your own value, you similarly will end up not choosing lots of people not because there is anything wrong with them in general, but they are just not for you.

Are you saying you are on standby in case he randomly messages? In your position I would definitely not consider another date with him even if he did re-appear, if he's that much of a mindfuck at this incredibly early stage, what would it be like further? You shouldn't be second guessing yourself already, if you find that you are, then he isn't a good one...

Absolutely nothing wrong with you and people of any age find partners. It's just that there aren't that many people we click with in the end, so it is a numbers game, go on as many dates as you can and eventually you will find someone, I am sure.

@RadiantRainbow I get you're trying to help but I don't think there's anything wrong I'm thanking someone for buying you coffee and cake and showing a little interest.

And I have had plenty of dates where there's been no connection and you just say goodbye, I really do think saying "it would be nice to chat more" is indicating wanting to get to know someone more. *Have a nice weekend " is a full stop.

I have a busy job, and am normally out on a social event or so, I can treat it as a mini adventure but I don't need to collect new friends or fill my time.

If I liked someone and found them interesting I would go out on a second date to just get to know them more.

@Livelifelaughter I've been on date 0's and in the car park saying goodbye they have always said about seeing me again and I always say that I find it awkward to say that straight away and that I rather they message when they get home to allow them time to think.
They've all taken it really well and one guy in particular hadn't considered how the other person might feel and took my comment on board and said he wouldn't ever do it again.

I think sometimes people get caught up in the adrenalin rush of the date and want to be polite and say about meeting again or chatting more when they may not mean it and then afterwards they consider the date and the conversation and realise you aren't suitable and then they have to let you down.

OLD is not for the faint hearted and you can't even believe a word some of them say.

So, having had a few seemingly positive plans turn into nothing this week, and messages not replied to after conversation seemed to be going well, I've decided to find something to focus on tonight instead of feeling insecure and rubbish about OLD.
So what is everyone else doing this eve instead of feeling rubbish about people who weren't right for us anyway? 🙂 X

@SortingItOut I am not sure I would say I need time to think to someone because it's often a bit of a gut feeling, for me at least . For me it's a definite no, and absolute yes, or a you are interesting but I don't know and I would like to know more.

I get there's an adrenaline rush but I do feel men at my age are looking 10 years below and a few years above and it's bloody hard for women.

Back from a really depressing date.

He started off by talking about his ex. Nothing derogatory as such, but still. Ugh.

I steered the conversation to something neutral, thinking maybe he was just nervous. All fine for a while. But then he randomly said something really racist. I was stunned. I finished my drink and made my excuses.

The worst part is he’s since messaged me to say he’d like to meet again. There’s a possibility our paths might cross professionally so I’ll do a polite thanks but no thanks I think.

I’m not even looking for a relationship really, just a bit of fun. But I can’t even find that.

FFS.