DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

Is it a fake vagina though? I've bought husband stuff in the past and they don't look anything like one.

Hi OP,

I'm going to take a guess here that it might be the type of toy you have an issue with rather than toys in general?

I have a fleshlight, or at least the generic Lovehoney own brand equivalent. When I told DP I was getting one she had a similar reaction to you. In her case the issue turned out to be the realistic look of the "vulvas" some of them had, and that some of them were modelled on real porn actresses.

I just got one with a bog standard circular hole in the end. Made no difference to me, I doubt the feel of it is changed much by that, and it's not like you can see that end of it when in use anyway.

I did point out to DP that she was being slightly hypocritical given the flesh coloured veiny thing in her bedside table, but the compromise wasn't exactly onerous so I went with it anyway.

Also to try and put your mind at rest, while it does feel better than just my own hand, it's in no way comparable to having sex or even just hand based fun with my partner. There's no way I'd choose to masturbate with a toy rather that actually have sex with my partner. It's not a replacement.

You may also find that he loses interest in it quickly enough, they're a complete bastard to clean and then dry compared to toys for women, and honestly the faff quite often isn't worth it.

Would you rather a prostitute?

Eh? For decent men, that would never be an option. 🙄

Unfortunately OP you cant not allow him to do as he pleases with his own body but I think this is possible due to the way a man and a womans brain can be wired

imagining a man having sex with a fake vagina is not that much of a turn on for a woman but a man imagining a woman using a vibrator is typically a turn on, this being played out in the real world means women usually aren't as accepting whereas men are but there is nothing you can do about this. You either have to choose to ignore it and let him do his thing or maybe try seeing if there is anything you can do to up your libido

So he's bought a fleshlight rather than go out and bang Suzy from accounts and you're repulsed?

Oh dear.

?? What are you wittering on about. Gay partners/bromide - are you in the dark ages.

To the OP, if he's not involving you with the sex toys leave him to it.

Well you feel how you feel but obviously anyone is entitled to use sex toys. We aren’t as used to men using them as women, so I guess a fake vagina is more of a jolt than a fake penis. Hopefully he has one of the more visually sophisticated ones (as in, one that doesn’t look anything like an actual vagina) or if he doesn’t, maybe suggest that. It is a bit odd though to worry more about sex toys objectifying women than porn.

Anyway, I think you have to examine what’s making you uncomfortable, and what’s stopping your sex life building up more, and work on improving your sex life as far as you want to, while accepting if you are mismatched this is an acceptable way for him to substitute

can totally see why a man having sex with an inanimate object would be offputting, urgh

You are being really unfair. He should not pester you for sex you don't want and you shouldn't have to have sex you don't want but you cannot put boundaries on his use of sex toys to pleasure his own body in private. That is really controlling stuff!

But women using vibrators / eggs / whatever is fine? How’s that?

I don’t know you’re getting such a hard time, 1-2 times a week is plenty of sex for a couple in their 40s with kids IMHO, so the fact he still isn’t happy and has bought a fleshlight is kind of gross. The idea would give me the ick for sure. Masturbation is one thing, but for him to be telling you he’s bought an object to wank into feels rather manipulative.

I feel the same

I have never used one or even felt the need to

I sort of understand your point about objectification.

Im going to suggest a perhaps radical way to move forward. Get yourself a vibrator. You don’t even need to tell him.

I have low libido, but used to use one. Since giving birth it’s been much more difficult for me to get to the point of orgasm with sex with my then husband, so I used one then.

A vibrator can also be used alone and can be more satisfying and much, much quicker, and way less sweaty! Or you can use one to get yourself in the mood before having sex.

But once you have a go with a vibrator ask yourself if it feels like you are objectifying your partners penis?

Honestly, get a vibrator, there’s a lot of pleasure waiting for you.

It’s so odd that many posters are saying it’s better than him shagging someone else, having an affair or using a prostitute. wtf? Even if sex stops, those really shouldn’t be options without your partner agreeing, or at all in the case of prostitutes.

OP doesn’t have to feel grateful that her husband isn’t cheating. She needs to decide whether her husband using sex toys is something she’s ok with, most of us agree it’s a good compromise. But if she doesn’t like it, she can still choose to split if her husband wants to continue using them, because he is entitled to do so.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

That you don't want to know kind of sums up the problem. What is he allowed to do sexually that's acceptable to you under the current circumstances?

No sex with me, and no sex without me - when that applies to such a broad definition of sex as to include masturbation and toys then it's not the basis of a healthy adult relationship, or wanting to get things back on track - if that's what you want.

OP - I think you need to less work on "airing" your feelings and more on letting go of controlling his solo-sexuality.
Sex toys don't objectify people. They are devices.

(I am guessing he didn't get a blow up doll here....)

I think your mind is playing tricks on you. But you don't need any extra "reasons" to be off sex. And in fact - having a vibrator may be a good idea for you too - if you in fact want to try to get your libido restarted.

If you think your hormones may be playing up - do have them checked as early 40s is a but too early for peri

I see it as a real positive that he’s bought some sex toys. There’s a big stigma around make sex toys so good for him! What is it in particular that you are uncomfortable about?
As for getting more in the mood for sex, I’ve been seeing some interesting articles about ‘sexual currency’. Hannah Witton has done a good YouTube video about it. Would recommend checking it out. X

OP

You are guessing what they are - I imagine you are envisioning a perfect pink silicone vagina or similar,

It might be. Or it might be a colourful wank sleeve from Godemiche (other vendors are available) that looks nothing like anatomy but has different textures inside.

It might be a bullet vibe, such as you might use yourself, that he holds against his dick.

It might be one of the vibes, like Pulse, that is penis focused and wraps around.

Or it might be butt related.

If you don't want the details, that's fine - but don't run away with the assumption that it's a specific toy you don't like the idea of.

Have you ever tried a vibrator?

Perhaps if you had you would feel less put off by it.

I didn’t have one for years as I thought how can a bit of plastic/rubber be a turn on but it is just like masturbation but better.

You just need to change your mind set about these things.

I think this is a great compromise for you both.
He is more satisfied and you don’t feel as guilty for not having sex as often.

I agree with pp’s, he is not being unreasonable, but yes this would (unreasonably) give me the ick too.
and twice a week is fine!
Maybe if you both felt a bit more interested and invested in the sex you do have (you mentioned missionary) it may be more fulfilling for both of you?
do you enjoy it with him?

Why are you sick/replused?

You haven't given any reason you feel that way but no its not a normal reaction, its his body... he is not cheating, nothing he is doing effects or endangers you so why do you think you get a say?

It’s so odd that many posters are saying it’s better than him shagging someone else, having an affair or using a prostitute. wtf? Even if sex stops, those really shouldn’t be options without your partner agreeing, or at all in the case of prostitutes.

Agree. I find it quite manipulative. It’s like ‘you have to be ok with this because at least he’s not doing that other thing’.

She doesn’t have to be ok with any of it. That’s her choice. Obviously that may come with consequences because OPs husband also is entitled to make his own choices too.

Why are you sick/replused?

Things that give us the ick, just like which things we find attractive aren’t always explainable or logical.

If he gets one of those vibrating/suction things then there's a real risk that he will become desensitised to sex with another person.

I say bollocks to this. I have two excellent vibes that are faster, more powerful and more pinpoint than any finger, and I still like my husband touching me.

Could I cum from fingers the second after using one? Possibly not, but give me 10
mins and I could.