DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

And how's that different to a woman who gets off pretty much instantly after holding a bullet vibratir to her clitoris for a few seconds ? 🤔

This is often stated. Even in this thread you're not the first to say this. But why? Why would one partner in a relationship have the right to basically demand the other partner become celibate?

"You can't have sex with me because I don't consent, but having sex with someone else would be a betrayal." - where's the logic or justice in that?

It would make me feel uncomfortable and a bit grossed out but I realise that is unreasonable. Just wanted to say that I understand OP but what he does with his body is his business.

If something gives you the ick when you think about it, it doesn’t therefore mean it’s wrong. It just means you need to stop thinking about it. You knew your DH had a high sex drive when you met him, he’s dealing with your lower sex drive in the best way he can think of. I couldn’t get worked up over this.

YABU, and yes, it's a total double standard. It's his body, he can do whatever he likes with it, especially when it doesn't even affect anyone else.

No different at all. Women can also become desensitised.

They are having sex once a week. That’s not celibacy.

The person I quoted wrote 'even if sex stops'.

Porn objectives women far more than a fake vagina does

Can you get experimental with him with the toys maybe?

Oh, I see.

But that poster also said “without your partner agreeing” - if a couple are “sexless” then agreement to open the marriage IS a prerequisite, surely, or it is cheating.

If no such agreement, then maybe divorce is the answer.

I don't know why people always go "but what if a women blah blah blah ooh double standards" 🙄
Women aren't men, women and men operate totally differently around many things, sex being one of them,so there's really no comparison.
OP I would be grossed out too.
Firstly, many women have issues climaxing from sex, which is why female toys were invented. Men generally don't have this issue.
Secondly, men will act entitled to sex, and objectify isolated parts of women's bodies, which women don't tend to.
Thirdly, for thousands of years women's sexuality has been suppressed, fetished, punished, shamed and had entire religions based on controlling it! Mens sexuality has been treated as the default, and as a human right.
So, feel what you feel and don't worry about it.
And once a week is loads if you've been together a while/ have young kids! I can't believe people are suggesting you should be grateful he's not shagging prostituted women.
Wtf has happened to this place, I swear.

Lots of women have sex toys, I don’t see why a man can’t have them. You have a lower sex drive than him so he’s pleasing himself? I don’t see the issue?

Personally I’d struggle to stay with someone without an active sex life ( without good reason ), If I was then told I couldn’t use toys or masterbate, yep I’d leave. Please don’t tell him it gives you the ick, he actually sounds like s decent guy, there are so many men that would just cheat! And I’m not saying I would agree with that, it’s wrong, but I could understand why, we are sexual beings after sll

@namechannger A friend/ex of mine had an anal something-or-other he used on himself. That was a bit of an icky concept to me.

Much better a toy than an affair.
It's you he wants - take that as a compliment.

Do you know if there is anything your husband could do to help you become more interested in sex? Aside from pitching in more around the house and with your kids, are there some emotional and physical needs that are being neglected here?

Sorry but YABU here. I think he's dealt with it in the best way possible, not pressuring you to have sex, and dealing with his own needs so he doesn't get resentful. I'm not sure of what your issue is with it, other than perhaps feeling guilt that you don't want sex as much as you did.

I assumed it was a butt plug or something you stick onto your shower!

This is often stated. Even in this thread you're not the first to say this. But why? Why would one partner in a relationship have the right to basically demand the other partner become celibate?

"You can't have sex with me because I don't consent, but having sex with someone else would be a betrayal." - where's the logic or justice in that?

No one has the right to demand anything. If you’re not having sex and one partner isn’t ok with that, you try to find a compromise if you want to stay together. That may be making more effort to have sex, one partner using sex toys, having sex outside of the marriage. If a compromise can’t be reached and it’s a dealbreaker, you split.

I have hormonal issues which make me basically asexual. I haven’t had sec for months. Since July.

I wouldn’t be fussed if my husband brought some. I’ve even suggested meeting someone. But he’s happy and wants to stay with me.

I don't know why people always go "but what if a women blah blah blah ooh double standards" 🙄
Women aren't men, women and men operate totally differently around many things, sex being one of them,so there's really no comparison
It's entirely reasonable to draw comparisons on this topic though.

OP I would be grossed out too.
That's your issue.

Firstly, many women have issues climaxing from sex, which is why female toys were invented. Men generally don't have this issue.
So women can only use vibrators if they find it difficult to orgasm during sex? Or can women use them all the time, whilst toys for men are gross?
If a woman fancies some solo play is she allowed to use a vibrator if it's purely for her own pleasure whilst also having an active and happy sex life?

Secondly, men will act entitled to sex, and objectify isolated parts of women's bodies, which women don't tend to.
True for many men, but sex toys for men AND women tend to isolate the body parts related to sex. It's kind of the point.
So either it's unacceptable to have any toy that objectifies sexual body parts or it's fine.

Thirdly, for thousands of years women's sexuality has been suppressed, fetished, punished, shamed and had entire religions based on controlling it!
Nothing to do with adults in 2023 buying sex toys for their own private use though.

Mens sexuality has been treated as the default, and as a human right.
It has, which is why people will rightly argue that no man is entitled to sex.

What he does to his own body is entirely up to him though.

So, feel what you feel and don't worry about it.

And once a week is loads if you've been together a while/ have young kids! I can't believe people are suggesting you should be grateful he's not shagging prostituted women.
It's not a case of being seriously grateful he's not buying sex.
It's an acknowledgement that an adult man masturbating isn't a problem, just like it isn't a problem if a woman does.

Nobody has the right to demand that they police their partner's use of their own body.

Meh. Feeling grossed out is not controlling, it's just a feeling.

Porn use often leads to struggling to get turned on for actual sex. Plus the exploitation. I'd be more worried about that than a toy.

Also sex twice a week is loads in your 40s in a long established relationship with having young children - you are doing well to manage that. Good of him to be doing more round the house! That should just be the norm and not done in return for more sex. You don't feel like sex when you are a skivvy, unsurprisingly.

It's a shame the discussion has become so heated, the OP just wanted to talk about her feelings regarding the situation. Btw those defending him so vigorously might have missed he was on Only fans before buying the toys.

@EtiennePalmiere didn’t miss that no, but how does it change the fact that what he is doing.. is.not.wrong.