DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

I tried to imagine indiscreet packaging and I now have a mental image of the Amazon packaging but with "Fapazon" and a stylised cock and balls instead of the curved arrow.

@Changehappens I'd be far more embarrassed as a neighbour having to admit and explain how I "accidentally" opened a package not addressed to me.

OP you can't help the ick unfortunately. Admittedly I see nothing wrong with sex toys, and cannot understand how you have singled this as the ick but are OK with porn and some Only Fan use which are far more objectifying. I think your most recent realisation is the core here and you need to explore just how OK you actually are with continued OF use

Genuinely- yes I think after his explorations with OnlyFans chat I think I just felt a bit sick about it. He still uses OnlyFans to watch stuff but agreed not to engage in any chat. He told me he'd ordered the toys soon after we had discussed the new boundaries re OF there so I might have conflated the sex toys and the OnlyFans as one issue in my mind iyswim.
This makes more sense about why you might be feeling uncomfortable.

There's a big difference between someone having toys for their own use, and someone ordering toys for them to use whilst engaging with content on platforms like OnlyFans, especially with a recent promise of agreeing not to chat on it anymore.

Locker collection 😃

Or… just don’t be mortified at the idea your neighbours know you have sex? They probably do too.

YABVU

I think the problem is that this isn't a 'safe space'. People get absolutely rinsed on this board all the time.

I don't think there should be a safe space where people call sex toys and masturbation disgusting, and suggest that a spouse get's a say in the way their partner has a wank. It also suggests a very narrow view of sexuality to assume you know what kind of sex toys a man would prefer, and it is problematic to suggest one kind is more 'disgusting' than another.

However, conversations about feelings of objectification are a little different.

I think that the conflation of Only Fans and sex toys is understandable considering your situation, but that isn't what you said, and nor is it particuarly accurate.

Only Fans is engagmentwith sex workers/prostitutes, whereas sex toys are 'actual' objects that can be used to explore sexual response and function.

I wonder if you might get the space to explore your thoughts more on the feminism boards?

I don't know if you are going to hear what you seem to want to hear about sex toys in any public forums though...

I really don't understand what happened on this thread!

I read another thread yesterday where the OP had turned down sex on holiday & her boyfriend who had then headed to the bathroom for a noisy wank & everyone was up in arms, quite rightly. Lots of LTB.

Then you come on this thread & The poor OP is dealing with a husband who watches porn everyday, has been chatting to girls on Only Fans, wants her to arrange childcare to service his needs & people are telling her she's lucky he isn't having an affair! 🙄

It must be something to do with algorithms or the mention of his sex toys has attracted the attention of those posters who usually hang out in the sex topic! 🤷‍♀️

If a man came on here and said he didn't want his wife using a vibrator etc they'd be uproar;he's obviously trying to find a way to bridge your mismatched libido's with minimal impact to you.

Duck I see your point but if he also said she'd been chatting to blokes on only fans to get her kicks the response might be different!

Then you come on this thread & The poor OP is dealing with a husband who watches porn everyday, has been chatting to girls on Only Fans, wants her to arrange childcare to service his needs & people are telling her she's lucky he isn't having an affair! 🙄

In all fairness this did start off in the realm of simply him using sex toys, and (quite rightly) there's agreement that OP is unreasonable to have a problem with that. The OF stuff and the expectations of her taking time off work to service him, now that would requite people to RTFT. But the "at least he's not having an affair or using prostitutes!" is unbelievably grim. Can you even imagine if a man had ED, or depression meds or just didn't want sex. No one anywhere ever would be lauding a woman for managing to not fuck Max from yoga class, or not paying to wank off to a man via live chat. Male sexual entitlement is so pervasive.

k I see your point but if he also said she'd been chatting to blokes on only fans to get her kicks the response might be different!
I agree with this.

I'm very much of the view that what someone does in any solo time (as long as it's within the law, not cheating according to boundaries in their relationship etc) is up to them and not for their partner or spouse to police. It's especially double-standards to decide that women can have vibrators but that toys for men are awful and unacceptable.

But adding platforms such as OnlyFans is the much bigger issue to me and it makes complete sense why the OP is feeling uncomfortable. Her DP is using sex workers to get his kicks and the toy buying is done in conjunction with him engaging with women outside the relationship.

It's not simply a toy issue.

Posts like this confirm my suspicion that a substantial proportion of MNers simply find sex disgusting.

It's very easy to disguise that here as there are so many threads about the worst of male sexuality. But posters like this one find sexuality inherently "revolting", male and female.

This thread is generally a shame because the OP knows her feelings are unreasonable and a double standard, and was asking for help to deal with them.

I think the "ick" she feels is tied up with two things - firstly his use of Onlyfans which I don't feel they've quite resolved. Secondly more general stereotypes around male/female sexuality which I feel are quite pernicious and need to be unpacked. The idea of a woman masturbating is socially acceptable in that people happily chat and crack jokes about vibrators in normal conversation, they're referred to on mainstream TV etc etc. It can be framed as feminist, women taking control of their own sexuality, but the male gaze enjoys it too. A woman masturbating is seen first and foremost and a sensual, positive thing. A man masturbating, on the other hand, is the butt of a joke and gets kneejerk responses of "gross" and "vile" even from the women literally married to the man in question. It's really worth unpacking why this is.

Disagree with majority of people on this thread ! This can be such a hard place sometimes to get things off your chest and it’s so sad.

I would also feel the exact same as you OP ! I think everyone just has different views/opinions on that matter. I personally wouldn’t purchase a dildo whilst being married and I would be extremely uncomfortable with my partner purchasing sex toys or watching porn/only fans ! I think it is different if yous agree on these things together as a couple to be more “ adventurous “ but separately this would give me the ick !

sex within a marriage is more than just getting off, there is clearly bigger issues here. It’s no wonder you don’t want to have regular sex with someone who has I would imagine made you feel insecure, not good enough ect with his previous behaviours !.

You are more than within your rights to set your own boundaries within your marriage, if something is making you uncomfortable then voice it and if he doesn’t respect that he can leave and find someone who will. It is certainly not “ policing “ the use of his own body, but why should you hurt, feel uncomfortable so what your partner can get off to a fake vagina ? Sorry but no thank you !!

'Sex within a marriage is more than just getting off.'

I agree, but putting a ring on your finger doesn't stop you wanting to 'just get off' sometimes, and masturbation is an entirely reasonable way to acheive this, which many, if not most, married people do.

I do accept that different couples have different boundaries, but I do wonder which couple you feel would have the most long-term staying power. The couple who enjoys mutually pleasurable sex and sees masturbation and eroticism as areas that can be explored as individuals within the marriage, or the couple who have mismatched libidos but one half of the couple wants a say in how their spouse wanks (and preferably not)?

Monogamy in a marriage is a significant and entirely reasonable expection, but there does need to be some mutual engagement around how this is acheived if you want a marriage to last in the long run.

'It can be framed as feminist, women taking control of their own sexuality, but the male gaze enjoys it too. A woman masturbating is seen first and foremost and a sensual, positive thing. A man masturbating, on the other hand, is the butt of a joke and gets kneejerk responses of "gross" and "vile" even from the women literally married to the man in question. It's really worth unpacking why this is.'

This was brilliant analysis by the way. While I consider the whole 'have a wank for wellness' Insta market tedious consumerism/liberal feminism gone bad, I had never quite been able to put my finger on why. Pointing out that really it is all for the male gaze helped me to understand why.

Honestly it depends what he bought 😬

I saw a man on TikTok from who had a life size doll in his garage. He called her his other wife. A bit different to a cock ring. So, yes I'd say it depends what he'd bought.

I'm at least glad this isn't about how he bought an anal toy, which frankly I expected it to be from the disgust. A surprising proportion of MNers feel a man is totally emasculated and becomes disgusting the second anything penetrates his anus.

some of the toys may be this - OP has chosen not to find out.

Most things to do with female sexuality which are allowed to become "acceptable" for mainstream visibility are much more likely to be for the male gaze than the so-called "empowerment" label with which they're usually badged (especially if they involve women in a state of undress...it's amazing* how so much of "female sexual empowerment" still involves getting one's kit off for male consumption).

*Not really

They’d have to open them to find that out!

You are giving a false choice.

Not wanting your husband to use sex toys or porn is not the same as not wanting him to wank at all.

To answer the question though I think the couple most likely to last is the one where there is respect boundaries and compromise worked out together.

What that might look like will be very different for different couples.

I find this assumption that paraphernalia for wanking is some sort of sacred human right is ludicrous and very very recent.

People are having less sex generally since we commodified it and created a huge market for 'stuff: to enhance it.
The idea that toys are necessary for good sex and wanking is laughable. And sad.

It's fine if you both want to and might be fun if both are into it, but hardly a crucial necessity you should put above your wife's feelings and respect for you.

Maybe if he spent more time thinking about how to turn his wife on instead of himself he'd have a better chance of actual sex with her.

Once you married your body isn't yours to do whatever you want to it, without considering your spouse.

I wouldn't want my husband to get tattoos.
I wouldn't want him to become obese.
I wouldn't want him to get cosmetic surgery.
I wouldn't want him to wear make up.
Even if I wasn't there.

All these things would change how attractive he was to me.

Yes he can say 'fuck you it's my body I can do whatever I want to it'. Which is true, but not a great recipe for a good marriage or great sex in the long run.

My husband wanking into toys would definitely give me the ick.
And I guess I'm lucky that my husband wants me to want him more than he wants to jizz into a silicone tube.

Once you married your body isn't yours to do whatever you want to it

What evangelical/fundamentalist BS is this?