DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

I find this assumption that paraphernalia for wanking is some sort of sacred human right is ludicrous and very very recent.

a) Dildos have been around for centuries if not longer and vibrators were first used in Victorian times.

b) Sex toy ownership is as much a right as shoe ownership: no one has the right to tell you that you cannot buy them.

People are having less sex generally since we commodified it and created a huge market for 'stuff: to enhance it.

This is great! Fewer unwanted pregnancies, less STI transmission, and less temptation to enter into a relationship with someone unsuitable just because one wants sex.

The idea that toys are necessary for good sex and wanking is laughable. And sad.

I, like many many women, am vaginally inorgasmic. The number of times in my whole life that a man has made me orgasm without using toys is one, a one-night-stand who was very good with his hands when I was 19. I'm now on medication that inhibit my orgasms to the point that I cannot make myself orgasm without toys. How dare you, who does not know me and does not live in my body, criticise how I go about orgasming?

Maybe if he spent more time thinking about how to turn his wife on instead of himself he'd have a better chance of actual sex with her?

Now this, I agree with completely.

Imagine what would be said on here if a man said that about his wife, then give your head a wobble.

Oh dear.. that would be it for me. Bet they're young and tiny too aren't they.

The sex toys look awful. If you look at the ones that are bums with a vagina in, it's the size of a child/teen. To make it cheaper I guess but it's sick.

Imagine what would be said on here if a man said that about his wife, then give your head a wobble.

I agree with you, but there's a lot of posters on here who have oddly controlling ideas about relationships.

Many moons ago there was a thread with posters thinking that it was totally reasonable to withhold sex until their male partners met their standards regarding body hair grooming.

It goes without saying that nobody should have sex that they don't want to. It was very concerning seeing people congratulate themselves and others for telling their husbands if they don't do X/if they keep Y then no sex so make their choice. It's an unhealthy outlook to have in a relationship, and slightly disturbing to watch people twist their coercive behaviour into one about sexual liberation.

I'd be beyond furious if any male partner said "you must do XYZ with your body hair or no sex", especially if he was then online smugly bragging that he knows that'll keep me in line and ensure I only do what he wants regarding my body.

I've honestly come to the conclusion that a sizable minority of Mumsnetters would rather feel they've won against their spouse than have open communication.

I'd be saying exactly the same thing.

Communication, respect, boundaries and compromise.

And 'give your head a wobble' isn't the winning argument you seem to imagine it is.

If any partner ever told me i wasn't allowed to get tattoos, or piercings, or thought they could tell me how to style my hair, or what to wear, they'd be getting VERY short shrift.

My body, what i do to it, and how i choose to present myself are my business and no-one elses.

If it meant they no longer found me attractive, that is their problem, not mine.

I am not going to shrink myself to fit anyone elses opinions on my body or how they think i ought to look.

Back to the Sex toy thing.

The ONLY time i would EVER have a problem with sex toys is if my partner was preferring to have sex with himself, over sex with me.

It's not 'Not Allowed' it's consideration of their opinion when you make the decision.

And if your spouse doesn't find you attractive surely that is an issue for you?

This idea that your spouse has no views about your choices is just nonsense.
It sounds all empowering but it's really not how relationships work and you're a naive fool if you're pretending it is.

i've been in a controlling abusive relationship with someone who felt the need to tell me i wasn't 'allowed' to do stuff because HE didn't like how it looked.

I'm not Naive or a Fool thanks. I'll leave a million relationships before i ever let anyone have that power over me again.

If they can't accept me for who i am, including accepting that my body is mine to dress how i wish, they can get fucked.

It's not 'Not Allowed' it's consideration of their opinion when you make the decision.

You don't seem to be able to tell the difference between consideration and control.

Probably because of your past relationships.

Not all relationships are like that.

But the thing is I would never need to take into consideration absurd, controlling opinions, because the reason DP is DP is because he's not the sort of man who holds absurd, controlling opinions about what I can and can't do with my body. So I am free to call such opinions absurd and controlling, and to say I would refuse to take them into consideration (as this would entail quite the personality transplant from the man I chose).

I've honestly come to the conclusion that a sizable minority of Mumsnetters would rather feel they've won against their spouse than have open communication.

One of the defining characteristics of MN for me is the sheer number of posters who hate their husbands. Wildly out of whack with real life.

If you are worried that your spouse will leave you or punish you by withholding sex that he/she otherwise would have had with you because you are using a penis sheath / vibrator / whatever, then you are being subjected to coercive control.

I think it's you who cannot tell the difference between consideration and control.

He is being perfectly reasonable. At least he is not cheating. It would likely be a good idea to have a date night out of the house every couple of weeks or so though.

Have you never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe on a 'relationships' board you're going to come across a decent amount of people who are in bad relationships or who have had them?
And that in real life most people don't go around broadcasting how much they dislike their spouse or how unhappy they are?

It's not coercive control if a partner is turned off their partner sexually due to certain things and as a consequence does not want to have sex with them.

And that's a very dangerous use of the term.

I would hate the only fans as a bigger ick, divorce even, than male sex toys. Lots of men would cheat in this situation, it's good he is trying to stay loyal.
I think it is controlling telling him whether he can use toys or not.

One of the defining characteristics of MN for me is the sheer number of posters who hate their husbands. Wildly out of whack with real life.
I'm not sure on this one. Hate seems quite a strong word.
People in happy relationships will tend not to post on forums asking advice, so there's always going to be a greater representation of troubled relationship as OPs on boards.
It's the replies when someone is experiencing relationship difficulties that I find fascinating. They're not the person seeking advice, but their outlook and behaviour in their own relationship seems far from healthy. On the replies, I can see where it seems people hate their husbands.

On the positive side, MN has a lot of posters who rightly encourage the bar to be raised in relationships, which goes some way to balancing out the excusing men for crap behaviour and weird attitudes to sex and intimacy.

You should try to look at this differently. He knows he has needs and desires for sexual pleasure that can't always be met in his relationship at this time. He has taken it upon himself to address this and make sure he is fulfilled.
Providing this does not encroach on having sex with you then I wouldn't see it as a problem, more a solution so that you are both contented.
Many women have toys I don't see why men can't either. MN openly advertises them on feeds!

@TokyoGhoul

My husband wanking into toys would definitely give me the ick.
And I guess I'm lucky that my husband wants me to want him more than he wants to jizz into a silicone tube.

My wife getting herself off by shoving an oversize yet lifelike vibrating imitation penis up herself repulses me. I am lucky that my wife wants me inside of her rather than a piece silicon with a battery.

Second statement doesn't sound so acceptable, does it?

I've never hung out in the sex chat thanks.

Or least don't think I have! 🤣

Difference between having a noisy wank which sounds weird as to someone sorting themselves out with toys when their wife doesn't want to as much.

It's about having rights to what you do with your own body. The op has a right and so does her husband.

The only fans is a separate issue. Not to the toys.

By 'that's a very dangerous use of the term' you really mean 'women never commit coercive control'.

No that's not what I meant at all and you know it.🙄🙄

My point was clear

It's not coercive control if a partner is turned off their partner sexually due to certain things and as a consequence does not want to have sex with them

The partner could be a man or a woman.

To say it's coercive control if you are turned off your partner and don't want to have sex with them implies that people should have sex they don't want or else they could be considered controlling.

Literally bastardises the entire concept of coercive control....and is also sexual coercion. "Well if you loved me you'd have sex"..."if you don't have sex with me you're controlling" 😤

@Panaa depends how its worded. If my ex said to me 'if you dye/cut your hair i won't have sex with you' then it IS coercive control, because they're using withholding sex as a method of controlling you by coercion. Same as it would be if the OP told her DH that she won't sleep with him if he pleasures himself using sex toys.

You can open a discussion about your feelings around the thing, but you cannot tell someone they cannot do X or you won't do Y, that is coercion.

"Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim."

@PhantomUnicorn
You could say it's controlling or coercive, but that doesn't necessarily equate to 'coercive control'. It wouldn't reach the bar.

As for it depending on how it's worded that's a tricky one, because often the words used are used to specifically avoid causing a lot of hurt and to spare their partners feelings somewhat.

Someone mentioned about the thread/threads where women pat themselves on the back for 'withholding' sex due to something about their partners appearance/body.

A common one that I've seen is beards.....and right next to the "I'm not having sex until it's gone" or "I told him there's no sex until it's gone" the women describe how much it disgusts them, ruins sex completely, turns them off, reminds them of kissing old family members, physically repulses them etc. The women don't want to be so blunt and honest in case their partner never forgets what they said so instead it comes out like "no sex until you get rid of the beard".