DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

But that's the point.... the poor guy is seeing to his own needs and not pestering his wife and he still gets in neck for using toys! Men do my damn head in but they can't win on here at all.

I’d want to know what toys he’s using tbh.

But that's the point.... the poor guy is seeing to his own needs and not pestering his wife and he still gets in neck for using toys! Men do my damn head in but they can't win on here at all.
I agree with you.
There's a lot of really crappy male behaviour on here that gets a worrying amount of fawning excuse-making, but when a man respects mismatched libidos, doesn't act like a sex pest, and sorts his own needs out in private, he's awful, should be over the moon there's any sex in the relationship at all, and he shouldn't have any toys on his own because toys for men are gross.

I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who had been on only fans & watched porn on a regular basis. Full Stop!

Someone who wanted. 'More adventurous' sex while I was running round after 2 kids etc.

Never mind the bloody flesh light!

Why isn't he spending more quality time with his wife, cooking her a meal, watching a movie instead she's booking childcare just so that she service him in a more 'adventurous' way! sod that for a game of soldiers!

You have had a hard time here OP & I'm sorry - I'm not surprised you're feeling uncomfortable about it all.

I was in a sexless marriage. It was horrible. Before anyone says "did you do your fair share of housework and childcare duties" yes I did.

The problem is that this situation is likely to continue for a very long time. Possibly duration of the marriage. My situation did.

"Man cannot live on bread alone". Let the guy have a w... now and again if you are not interested. What's the harm?

I actually said that in my original post, do they actually have any time on their own, to go on dates Etc.

How can you build a rapport if you don't?

It is not a sexless marriage.

A man comes in to tell us what to do without having read the thread, yawn.

@VanityDiesHard your posts have been consistently unkind and you have not read my words - you just made a lot of incorrect assumptions and then got very angry about it. I have NEVER voiced anything about these feelings to my husband. I simply wanted to air my inner feelings in a safe space - but you made sure this wasn't one.

Have you been spying on me?! How have you got my life so accurate?!

Genuinely- yes I think after his explorations with OnlyFans chat I think I just felt a bit sick about it. He still uses OnlyFans to watch stuff but agreed not to engage in any chat. He told me he'd ordered the toys soon after we had discussed the new boundaries re OF there so I might have conflated the sex toys and the OnlyFans as one issue in my mind iyswim.

If you are linking the two (understandably) then the ick makes more sense

I feel bad for you because if you feel this bad about everything Mumsnet is not really a safe space as posters will have different views so will not all be supportive.

I don't think there is anything wrong with male sex toys and I also wouldn't tell my DH what he was allowed to do to himself privately.

The only people who can help you is you, your DH and a marriage guidance councillor if you want it to work.

Spiced - I think you've missed the point!

He's been on only fans chatting to girls, he's pressuring the OP to book childcare to shag him, making no effort to spend time with her.

I don't think this is even about the toys!

I just think he isn't treating her very well!

I don't really have any advice* Namechanger
*
what's the rest of your relationship like? Do you spend time together either just the two of you or with the kids, days out? Fun stuff?

Do you get on generally? **

I mean, it’s probably only a matter of time before the OP’s partner is wanking off in his new fleshlight whilst looking at Onlyfans.

Just a hunch, and not a great thought.

I'd be absolutely mortified if I ordered something from love honey & the postie got it wrong & it ended up at a neighbours door. 😂 How do people get over that prospect 😂

At least he's not having an affair. He's tried to find an alternative even if the thought of it isn't appealing to you it's his outlet, not harming you and could be so much worse.

Only other alternative would be either doctors visit for you about possible peri and options or maybe marriage counselling perhaps.

Most of my toy cupboard is Lovehoney and that which isn't is Satisfyer, bar that king amongst vibrators known as the Hitachi Magic Wand.

And any single item from that stash gives me better and more reliable orgasms than any man has.

There's nothing wrong with buying from Lovehoney.

I was going to say that some people enjoy that kind of thing, but you beat me to it.

Thank for highlighting the "done out of love" bit.

I would be utterly repelled, turned off as though someone had thrown a bucket of iced water over me, if I realised that my partner du jour was having "duty sex" with me. I cannot think of a bigger turn-off than realising that the other person doesn't actually want to have sex. But then I'm female and hence lack male sexual entitlement.

I'd far, far rather wank with Lovehoney's finest than shag someone who wasn't really feeling it.

A decent husband would feel like I do.

Porn use would be a dealbreaker for me. And this is why I am currently single, and proudly so...

I wonder, OP, if it's actually the porn you are disgusted by but the toy, being tangible, is an easier focus for your disgust as well as physical evidence that he's not finding you enough? Porn looks like pixels on a computer screen (it's not, it's footage of women who aren't always willing participants) whereas the toy is something you can drop on your foot.

And yes, everything that the quoted poster said about him pulling more weight.

Do your neighbours open parcels not addressed to them? If they do, you have a bigger problem than them seeing your sex toy order.

I'm a regular Amazon customer & admit I've mistakenly opened a parcel meant for a neighbour. You must live in fantasy land if you think this would never happen.

My name not being on the front would be the first clue that it was misdelivered. My address not being on the front would be the second.

It comes in discreet packaging, not with LoveHiney emblazoned all over it. I guess there is the risk a neighbour could open it in error, but it's unlikely. Mind you, I'm expecting a couple of parcels currently, so I suppose I might not look so closely at the details before opening - I'd definitely check the address if I wasn't expecting any, though.