DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

Coercive control has an implied or expressed threat of punishment. I'm pretty sure I made that clear.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
Someone losing sexual attraction to their partner isn't a punishment.

No, it isn't.

I argue that if OP loses sexual attraction to her husband because he's 😱bought a sex toy to use in private, then there's a bigger problem in that marriage, namely a fundamental mismatch of values about sex. That she's already objected (IMO reasonably) to his use of OnlyFans would support this hypothesis.

There's a difference between basically sulking because you don't get your own way and finding someone's sexual practices utterly repellent. I wouldn't be a fan of a DP using a realistic Fleshlight but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. Live-action porn use or prostitute use would be a dealbreaker because I couldn't bring myself to even touch someone who thought it was OK to pay to rape or watch footage of sex that was probably coerced. There's ethics underpinning the latter but not the former.

There's a difference between basically sulking because you don't get your own way and finding someone's sexual practices utterly repellent.

Exactly, but whenever these threads come up the issue tends to be that the OP is finding something sexually repellent, not that they're sulking and want their own way, and then we go through this whole controlling/coercive control conversation all over again even though that's not what going on!!

the issue tends to be that the OP is finding something sexually repellent

Which is why I think the sex toys are a red herring and OP's real issue is unresolved concerns about his porn use. I cannot fathom someone finding sex toys repellant, where's the ethical issue in using a toy?

do women have libidos?

got to agree with this.
At least you are asking the question OP, always assuming isn't one of those fake non questions so beloved of AIBU.
good at least that you appear to be having a conversation with DH about it.
Hope you get your own groove back soon.

also, look on the bright side OP - he's keeping his sexuality alive, not burying it (seems to be a lot of burying of libido of self or others in bits of mnet) - there may come a time when your libido will revive and you will be grateful that he didn't check out/direct all of his energies into woodworking or model railways never to be seen again.

@Bobbotgegrinch

>>You may also find that he loses interest in it quickly enough, they're a complete bastard to clean and then dry compared to toys for women, and honestly the faff quite often isn't worth it.

:) For some reason made me think of those supposed miracle labour saving kitchen devices you often see in the likes of Lakeland. Maybe they could diversify - seem to recall that the Lakeland in Bromley used to be almost next door to Ann Summers.

Any yet is okay for women ( encouraged almost ) to use vibrators and dildos - how does that that double standard work then?

Well - both stores sell lots of stuff made of plastic, maybe a pan scrubber with penis shaped handle could be sold in both establishments??

You can buy sex toy cleaner spray, but I guess the faffy bit is getting into all the crevices, whatever implements and disinfectants you use.

Maybe you need to think about what it is about toys that particularly disgusts you? As PPs have said, it will allow you to work out what’s actually going on in your head.

Porn is so pervasive that, while it makes me mildly unhappy to think of my DP getting off to other women, it’s probably going to happen anyway and when we’re not together physically I can understand it. In your position I would probably seek reassurance that he’s thinking of me when he’s using the toys and then get on with my life. Humans are animals, we have reproductive drives and he’s trying to cope with his and keep your marriage together.

well my personal opinion is that no it is not nice for women to use them, but if thats what they want to do in the privacy of their bedrooms, fine, I am sure there are some sex acts I do not agree with such as anal but for me, the thought of putting a cold hard plastic item anywhere is abhorrent, reminds me of the speculum for a smear test! Much prefer a warm hard man😁

Much prefer a warm hard man😁

They're not always available (not ones who are good at it, and you actually like, anyway.) And plastic is not always hard (though phthalates may be carcinogenic) and plastic, glass and metal can all be warmed. And they do stay hard, unlike some men.

@EBearhug
and if the guy buys himself a fake vagina at that will be always be available for him …

Why does there have to be an ethical issue?
Ethical issues are only one reason why certain things might turn a person off, not the only reason.

And perhaps she might not have had an issue with toys if it hadn't been for the only fans use prior to this, but he did use only fans prior to this so now it will be hard for the OP to separate the 2.

Sex toy cleaner....what a time to be alive 😒

You’d rather have uncleaned sex toys?

I'd rather not think about it to be honest 🥺

What on earth is wrong with cleaning a toy after it has been inside/around you? People tend to shower at some point after sex, is that also something you don’t like to think about?

some really obvious hang ups about sex coming out on this thread.

Why does there have to be an ethical issue?

There's usually a core belief relating to either sexual ethics or cleanliness underpinning sexual disgust. Cleanliness isn't the issue here.

Lmao this thread should be in classics with the responses.

The responses are hilariously absurd. The pearl clutching!