Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

These updates about what he is doing are sort of besides the point OP, what matters is what are YOU going to do about it?

At the moment he seems to be in total control of everything - able to come and go as he pleases, no responsibility for the DC, being either nice or vile to you depending on what he feels like?!

Why are you being so passive?

I really hope that I've just misread this somehow and that you're just ignoring him while you get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave. I find it impossible to understand how anyone could put up with this sort of existence for themselves and their DC.

@Leopardpj please don't tell the OP not to put updates about what he is doing if she finds it helpful.

I understand why you said it but if OP needs support from the thread she should get it.

@Aria999 I didn't mean to come across like that, it was clumsy phrasing- I just meant to make the point that the OP can't do much about this man's behaviour, only her own response to it. Sorry if it came over like that OP, I didn't mean to not be unsupportive, was not my intention at all.

@Leopardpj , you came across badly - dismissive and patronising.

@Leopardpj You came across just fine.

As many, many, PP have asked already… what the hell does this guy add to your life? I’ve not read every update, but from the earlier ones it appears he’s barely part of family life.

He’s got you ‘spicing things up,’ controls your access to (what should be) the family car and makes life actively difficult for you whenever he doesn’t get his own way. I’m going to assume he doesn’t pool other resources, like money, fairly either.

I don’t get it - what’s keeping you with this outstanding specimen of manhood? Is it his outstanding qualities as a partner? Maybe it’s his recent ‘Father of the Year’ nomination? There’s got to be something you’re not telling us!

I thought exactly the same. Sometimes it's good to have different ways of saying stuff, in the hope that one way will resonate with the op.

God help you and your poor children.

He is an absolute horror and house terrorist.

Please call Womens aid for support.

He is such a bad man.

Please reach out for support to get away from him.

I think he's realised that he has pushed you too far and he's in danger of losing his victim.

Abusers are finely tuned to the moods of their victims. He is trying to draw you in with this talk of marriage. He thinks he is offering you a glittering prize that you will be prepared to work for.

It's not a glittering prize it's a trap, and a shit-filled one at that.

Keep working on what you need to do to leave. The real prize you need to keep your eyes fixed on is a cosy home with your dear children. Happy and safe away from this horror of a man.

@Leopardpj sorry I didn't mean to have a go at you!

I just felt that OP does seem to be thinking of leaving him but sounds like she is going to find it quite hard and it will probably take some time, and if she wanted to talk to us about it in the meantime then that outlet could be valuable.

It seems to us on the outside that she should act as urgently as possible but when you are actually in the situation it can seem overwhelming.

OMG this whole post is utterly horrendous.

I found your situation so, so sad. Your DP is just horrible. 💔

If we want to have this mentality, you should get more luxury and better conditions, but not that I shared this old
Mentality of male breadwinner and devoted housewife.
Ha he ever thought how much it would cost to have a cooker, cleaner, nanny, assistant for all the admin? And on top
Of that he accuse you of stealing ??? Sorry but that's not fair !

Could he be having an affair ? Some times people having affairs behave in a rude way with their partners to make them feel guilty and bad.

Change your passwords of your phone etc. as you said he has access to yours and you haven't access to his. If he asks, say the same excuse he gave to you.

I know it's difficult but be smart and strategic and think long term. It is not easy to have a plan and content yourself to ventilate and say everything you have realised about him after these days, but if you want a better life, be smart and make a plan (finish what you are studying, continue with your interviews, get advice of a family lawyer, gather proofs for a good separation agreement if you want, etc.).. have a focus and you will win!

That was my thought too. Always at work. Going out in the evening all showered and scented. Making out that the other person is the bad guy...

Just checking in: how's things op? Thinking of you.

Hope you and your children are all alright OP x

Remind him that you are not a mind reader. If he has a problem with something that you’ve done, he needs to be a big boy and use his words. It’s incredibly childish.