Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

OP I'm sorry but you're deluded to say the DC 'don't take much notice' of the cruel things he is saying to them about you. They will notice all of this. The tension, the atmosphere, you staying silent, holding it in when really you feel like crying. They see it all. And they deserve not to.
I'm sorry to be harsh but if your own self-respect isn't sufficient to make you realise you must leave this man, maybe your concern for your children will be. You need to get this man out of their lives and they need to see YOU, their mother, standing up to this behaviour, making clear it's not OK and doing something about it. Otherwise this is what YOUR CHILDREN will think is normal, and this is the life THEY TOO will end up with.

He sounds fucking horrible. Sitting there not helping you, criticising you when you do everything, denying you use if a car and there making your life harder when you are bringing up his child, talking dish to you, ignoring you, refusing to do basic chores that need doing because you spoke to him in a bit if an off way when he criticised you while he was sitting in his care doing fuck all. What a cunt Why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

@Rachoss93 how is today going? Are you ok?

this morning I had a meeting then met with a ‘friend’ for coffee. I say friend loosely as I don’t really have any but this lovely lady asked me to go for coffee. I haven’t done anything like that before, it was lovely.

I came home have been tidying, dp came home not long ago from work and instantly began demanding me things to do. He then questioned where I was and I told him and he began to question ‘why’ I went with the lady? A bit of a strange question, it’s obvious why someone would go for a coffee isn’t it? He then added his negative comments on the subject asking ‘did you do anything to better or benefit your career?’.

it is like I am not allowed to do anything unless it is cleaning or bettering my career. Always a comment to ruin my mood or put me down, make me feel useless for doing something that isn’t beneficial.

he has been talking to me not ignoring me anymore, I have barely been replying. I told him I don’t want him to speak to me etc. he somehow managed to criticise me and also said he doesn’t care anymore and I told him to move out and he said he is….

i feel like I’m living in hell and it does not sound very serious when explaining but the constant demands and ways he speaks to me is driving me insane. He will demand me to do a chore that he is standing next to even though he can see I am doing something else

@Rachoss93 believe me it does sound serious when you are explaining.

I am glad you managed to have some social time for yourself, you deserve it!

As a pp said just hearing you talk about the way he treats you make me so angry on your behalf.

I wouldn't necessarily trust that he will move out. Make a plan B in case he doesn't. You really need to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

But you never know, there may be another woman (the giggly trip to the gym is suggestive) in which case you might get lucky!

This idiot moving out sounds like a great result to me!!! Have a look at benefits calculators straight away x

OP, I am sending you a great big hug. This man treats you like a servant. He has really done a number on you. I understand that it’s incredibly hard to get away when this has been done to you. What I think is good is that you have reached out. That’s a start. Questioning is this normal? To be resoundingly told it is not. That is hugely powerful. It is the start of the turnaround
Now you may not leave for a long time due to the factors constraining you but you can leave and you know it ! Think of the pathway out of there and how to get onto it and follow it. You can do this my darling 💐

I tied myself in knots trying to understand why he did this kind of thing. I ready Lundy's why does he do that and it was a lightbulb moment. He did it cos he enjoyed it. He liked the game of seeing what else of me he could break mentally. What boundary he could push.

Divorcing him was amazing. It wasnt the end but home was my kingdom with the kids.

He won't move out. He'll change tactic. He'll either love bomb you or, if things are too far gone will make life intolerable for you and the kids. He'll threaten to take them away. They ALWAYS threaten to take the kids. It's just a tool to get you back under control. They never actually want them.

You really should see if you can get some IRL help for the next bit.

Yesp. Sulking is so sexy

@Rachoss93 l think that you need to speak to women’s aid and tell them what you have written here.

He is financially and emotionally abusive not only to you but your shared DC. He has also isolated you and controls every aspect of your life.

Do you have any family? Is there anyone in RL that you could speak to.

I think that you need to get a job and leave.

Also read the Lundy book about abuse

This is so distressing to read. This man is very cruel. Please start making plans to leave.
Nothing he’s said to you is true and none of it has any basis in reality.

Bloody hell, this man has a greatly inflated idea of his own importance.

I hope the groceries you bought will be prepared only for you and the children, and I also hope his laundry will be allowed to fester wherever he has dropped it.

You need to give yourself a good shake and get him out of your life. He has clearly checked out of parenting and partnering you and believes the little he does is a massive favour to you. All that remains is to make the break formal.

You do not need this entitled waste of space in your home, punishing you for not accepting his claim to be your lord and master.

How does that 'bettering of career' work with his 'traditional views' that wife is at home taking care of kids?

Where do you want to be in a year? 5?
What is your plan?he wont change
You can and must

I don’t want to still be going through this in a year or 5. I’m unsure why I have allowed it for so long, I knew this was not what I wanted or would have ever allowed in a relationship. Somehow I have been sucked into it.

he mentioned today that he was prioritising me so much by making sure he came home from work on time everyday (he finishes work past 10pm). I told him that’s not making me a priority, that he has a family at home so he should be coming home on time regardless.

since this issue has began he has not been coming home on time which never happens. All I can do is imagine the worst, but somehow I am not too bothered either.

Don’t bother arguing with him/challenging him. Save your energy for planning your exit.

I don't know why you tolerate him, he brings nothing to the table.

He has returned from work at 12am, woke me up and is trying to talk to me normally/tried to hug me etc.

he made a statement about me not having a ‘career’ and that he needs me to get a career. I asked how that affects him and he replied ‘it’s important. If I’m going to marry you you need a job’. To which I replied that I will never marry him.

hes taking everything lighthearted, as if it’s funny or a joke. It makes no sense how his mood could have shifted considering I’ve done nothing different.

i am quiet, but it feels like I am screaming at a blank wall 24/7.

Oh sweetheart, this is so sad.
Hold on to your anger and use it constructively, i.e. as fuel for your exit plan 💪

Thank you, this is what I am doing.

I have taken a look over some of the information provided on here which has helped me learn/understand better what is happening.

This is going to sound odd, but where is your DP from? What nationality? As this sort of behaviour is not unfamiliar to me.

Not that his nationality would make things any more acceptable. You need to end this.

Not unfamiliar to me either.
Husband was Italian,and an utter pig to boot.

This is part of the cycle of abuse. Abusers can’t be nasty cunts all the time otherwise women wouldn’t stay.