Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works. I have no idea how he obtained this mentality ..
because it suits him.

What job does he have that he needs to work 7 days a week? Are you sure that he's actually working all of them?

Ah 'traditional.' The old word for 'abusive, controlling, lazy, selfish, sexist horror of a man.'

‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’.

This made my jaw drop. Do nothing for him, nothing. I’m so outraged for you that he thinks he can just ‘switch off’ his parenting and family responsibilities on a whim.

He sounds awful, OP. What an utter twat.

Your whole relationship dynamic sounds very unhealthy OP with all the power in his hands. You sound like you spend your days hoping he will be 'kind' to you, have no cause to be displeased with you and be good enough to spare you his time and assistance to run the home he lives in and raise his children.
You are his equal partner, and he is not in charge of you and your life together. Nor does he have the right to pick and choose what he contributes while dictating to you how things must be done.
This is not a situation you will change easily OP because you sound very entrenched in this way of living and thinking and it's not easy to suddenly stand up for yourself. But step by step (unless you feel he might hurt you, which is a different problem ) I'd urge you to try. Start by telling him you can't collect the shopping on the bus so if he wants the food he will have to fetch it. Stand your ground and see what happens.
As for his ignoring you, try very hard not to react. Don't give him even more power by pandering round asking what you've done (I bet its nothing!) Just wait him out.

Oh god not another one.

Why are so many of them like this?

Coercive controlling abusers, keeping women massively disadvantaged with none of the rights married woman have, financially totally dependent, lumbered with all the wifework.

Please contact Women's Aid.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works

----and provides for his family, he conveniently forgot this part.

Interesting, if he's so 'traditional' in house/family set up he hasn't married you!
Start looking through his things to get an idea of finances etc.
Start planning your way out. He's not a nice man.

But he won't marry you to protect you or financially support you transparently? Odd how these old fashioned values only benefit him right?

WHY are you with him?

Hand in heart you’ve never taken a penny from him?

WTF NOT?

You’re doing his fucking cooking/cleaning/taking care of and rearing his children wtf are you NOT taking money from him?

check what benefits you’d be entitled to, open a CMS claim. And leave the fucker.

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works

well that’s a handy view to have if you’re the man who doesn’t want to do any childcare or housework. It does typically involve the woman having access to the money she facilitates him earning though.

If he was fully 'traditional' op he would buy you a car. He would be proud to be able to provide financially for you. He is only being 'traditional' in one direction - what he gets out if it.

I know @JFDIYOLO - Sometimes I look at mumsnet and I literally cannot believe what I’m reading. What planet are these men on and what on earth induces women to stay with them?
’he has a traditional view of relationships’
In what ‘tradition’ is are relationships this miserable, wildly unequal and oppressive??!
I honestly give up!
If you choose to give this man any more of your time you’re mad OP. Please listen to the posters in this thread, get his behaviour on record with womens aid, get legal advice from a solicitor, gather any family support you can and make plans to leave

I have gone out of my way to spice things up recently, satisfy him sexually etc.
Are you happy about your role in the spiced up sex? Has he coerced you into a submissive situation that gives him special pleasure?

He is not your partner, this is not a partnership. You are an unpaid nanny/housekeeper and he is treating you with contempt because that is how he views you. And if you carry on like this your children will view you with contempt also for putting up with it. Get a job, buy a car, leave

Silent treatment is abuse. Eyes open OP. This man is unpleasant

You need to leave him OP. My soon to be ex partner is very similar - if I dare snap at him or ask him to do something around the house, or challenge him on anything, he will give me the silent treatment and withdraw from me and the household. Just this weekend I snapped at him because my beloved grandad just died, I was stressed to fuck and sad, struggling with 3 year old DD and he informed me that my grandad dying is not a good enough reason to be snappy with him.
He is not more important than you here, his feelings and ego are not the main concern. Don't let him punish you and your children because he thinks they should be. As PP say, it is controlling behaviour designed to make you feel on edge and anxious to please him to avoid him withdrawing again.

So traditional meaning:
-woman takes care of children, man can 'help' if he wants to, or not
-woman takes care of home, cleaning, cooking, shopping, chores
-manis the head of the household and decides what goes

but not traditional when it comes to having 3 children out of wedlock and providing for the family.

How convenient.

This is so sad. I feel so bad for you.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL, and this is abusive.
How dare he expect you to travel on buses and not allow you a car.
It doesn't matter what you've 'done' to upset him, he's an abusive asshole and you don't have to live like this.
Please look into Women's Aid and getting yourself financially independent so you can leave this horrible man. Xxx

Sorry , have you spoken to Women’s Aid or can you ? I know it’s easier said than done to leave.

He's a controlling, abusive b*stard and the sooner you end things with him, the better.

Who the fuck does he think he is? A casual acquaintance?
Sorry, this has made me so angry 😡

Little update

he has come home from work. He has done some shopping but conveniently only bought the food that he needs…

I cook meals for him multiple times a day and have cooked food on the side for him (like I do every Monday as we eat a specific thing on Mondays) and he is absolutely FUMING. He is being rude telling me he didn’t want me to cook for him and that I am ‘on my own’ today….

I asked him to tell me what I have don as I don’t know what I’ve done wrong he said ‘ofcourse you don’t’. I told him he needs to act like an adult and talk about whatever issue he has but he ignored me and stormed out of the house.

this doesn’t make any sense to me and I can’t understand why he would come home even angrier than what he left?!

Because he's an arsehole? Because he's enjoying punishing you? Why did you cook for him when he's treating you so badly?

He's doing this on purpose op. He wants you twisting yourself in knots over what you've done wrong and then trying your best to make it up to him. Which you never can. It's all deliberate. He is vile.

perhaps to see how badly he can behave and get away with it?

You are pandering to him, trying to appease and please him. He has behaved badly, not you. Stop it!

So do the freedom program and get out. What’s your accommodation situation?