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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

217 replies

Rachoss93 · 13/11/2023 12:29

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 13/11/2023 14:26

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works. I have no idea how he obtained this mentality as he wasn’t raised in an environment like that.

Nothing winds me up more than a man who pretends to have this view, but actually only applies it to the wife and her duties. A traditional man like the one he's referring to worships his wife. He is a gentleman who would never let her walk when he could drive. He wants her to have nice things. He talks to her with love and respect. The idea behind this type of arrangement is that the man works for the family's money, and the woman keeps house for the family. Not that the man works for himself alone, and bullies his wife.

What he wants from you is a reaction. Ignore and carry on with your DC.

Original poster
Rachoss93 · 13/11/2023 14:28

I cooked for him because I just can’t seem to stop trying to please him. I know I should. Equally because if I hadn’t I know he wouldn’t been annoyed about that too.

I just seem to try my best to keep things happy and smooth and for him to be happy with me. It seems I can never make him happy

OP posts:
Marshmallowtoastie · 13/11/2023 14:30

It seems I can never make him happy
no. You can’t. Because it’s abuse.

KirstenBlest · 13/11/2023 14:31

You never will make him happy.

This reminds me of the 'he gives me the housekeeping out of his wage packet, and I'm lucky he doesn't hit me' attitude of early 20th century housewives.

You never ever will make him happy. You are living with a man who is emotionally and financially abusive.

Concentrate on what's best for you and your children.

Newestname002 · 13/11/2023 14:32

@Rachoss93

I also told him I think we should live separately.

No need to say anything more to him - just quietly (ie don't tell him) get your financial ducks in a row and make your arrangements to leave. You do not need his permission to leave.

Meantime, I think you can apply for universal credit as a single person if you don't do anything (eg cooking, laundry etc) for him. Is there a separate place for you to sleep - even if it means sharing with one of the children if feasible? Do you get the child benefits paid into your own, sole account? (Check for this Gov.uk website for more info) as that will help with your NI contributions and State Pension. And yes I agree with getting your shopping done online - so much easier than schlepping home on the bus with bags of shopping. Also check CMS for what child maintenance you'd get from him - make it formal with CMS so they deal with him and set the amount he needs to pay.

This man does not value you nor his children. Keep that in mind for your future dealings with him.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/11/2023 14:38

Jesus Christ how do so many of these men still exist. It's utterly depressing.

Please go to women's aid. Tell them everything you've told us. This is financial abuse. What an absolute prick.

FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2023 14:39

arethereanyleftatall · 13/11/2023 14:22

He's doing this on purpose op. He wants you twisting yourself in knots over what you've done wrong and then trying your best to make it up to him. Which you never can. It's all deliberate. He is vile.

I agree. There is no point in trying to understand why he’s angry @Rachoss93 . You know you have done absolutely nothing wrong. What you might not yet have taken on board is that he is abusive. Nothing you do or say will mend him or make this relationship a good one. You either allow him to do this to you indefinitely, or you make plans to leave.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 13/11/2023 14:40

He’s an arsewipe and probably an abusive one at that. Also, if he’s looking for reasons to be annoyed with you, it’s probably because he’s up to something.

Jl2014 · 13/11/2023 14:44

He’s basically a spoilt brat and you are enabling his behaviour. He isn’t going to try with you because he doesn’t have to. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, going out of your way to please him then this is what happens. Your relationship is not equal in any respect.

Stop going out of your way for him. People don’t value things that are too easy won.

roseopose · 13/11/2023 14:53

Rachoss93 · 13/11/2023 14:28

I cooked for him because I just can’t seem to stop trying to please him. I know I should. Equally because if I hadn’t I know he wouldn’t been annoyed about that too.

I just seem to try my best to keep things happy and smooth and for him to be happy with me. It seems I can never make him happy

The problem with you keeping on doing this is it is normalising how he behaves towards you and probably reaffirming his stance that you are in the wrong, when you are not. If he can treat you like that and you'll STILL cook his food then it's allowing him to continue with it with no repercussions and no need to improve his behaviour.
I understand that you just want things to be ok and to be happy but as PP say you will never achieve that on your own, and carrying on as normal when is he abusing you will not help.

GoodnightJude1 · 13/11/2023 14:57

He sounds absolutely awful OP.

FedUpMumof10YO · 13/11/2023 15:00

He's the problem not you.

We get what we settle for.

Marshmallowtoastie · 13/11/2023 15:04

Even if you don’t believe he’s abusive (he is) at best he’s treating you and your children appallingly, he’s controlling and a hypocrite when it comes to ‘rules’ and traditions. You walk on eggshells as his live in servant and he’s rude to you, whilst he is also making it more difficult for you to care for your children than it needs to be (withholding money, transport etc as well as love and affection)

That’s the best case scenario. Is that what you want?

arethereanyleftatall · 13/11/2023 15:07

It seems like you're not ready to hear people yet op.

Please keep this thread for when you are.

Good luck (and I hope it's soon) Flowers

Topseyt123 · 13/11/2023 15:08

You need to stop normalising the behaviour of this utterly useless wanker and plan your exit from the relationship, sharpish.

Stop cooking or doing laundry for him. If that annoys him then so be it, just completely ignore him.

He isn't a nice person. He's an abusive twat. This is who he is and he won't change. It will get worse if anything and this will be your life if you stay.

Keep going after jobs. Get your independence back fully and get out of his clutches.

FedUpMumof10YO · 13/11/2023 15:08

I'll add that I lived in a nearly exact situation for too many years.

Nothing I ever said or did was enough. Because I was not enough for him. I nearly destroyed myself trying to get him to see my worth, to please him, to be enough. I wish I had the level of self respect I do now.

He eventually after many years did me a massive favour and fucked off with someone else.

Don't be me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2023 15:18

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/11/2023 14:26

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works. I have no idea how he obtained this mentality as he wasn’t raised in an environment like that.

Nothing winds me up more than a man who pretends to have this view, but actually only applies it to the wife and her duties. A traditional man like the one he's referring to worships his wife. He is a gentleman who would never let her walk when he could drive. He wants her to have nice things. He talks to her with love and respect. The idea behind this type of arrangement is that the man works for the family's money, and the woman keeps house for the family. Not that the man works for himself alone, and bullies his wife.

What he wants from you is a reaction. Ignore and carry on with your DC.

This. He's not traditional. He's abusive.

Please make a plan to separate. This won't improve and he's utterly horrible. Quiet planning so you can just have done one day. He's the type to be really nasty so plan secretly.

JennyJill · 13/11/2023 15:18

@Rachoss93 , you will never please him doing ordinary family things. Those things don't please him.
Tormenting you pleases him. I guess he is capable of demanding extreme sex sometimes as well.
Don't bother looking for logic or reasonableness in exchange for what you do. He has removed the logic

MrsCarson · 13/11/2023 15:31

He's stormed out because you called him on his childish behaviour.
He thinks he's in charge and that he and his feelings matter more than yours do.
Hence the not letting you drive the old care as "you aren't ready for that" as in it would be a treat bestowed upon you by someone wiser than you and in charge of everything.
He's not you Dad, or your Boss. You are supposed to be equals and a team. He isn't a team player and you are getting punished.

Fannyfiggs · 13/11/2023 15:57

Please listen to the others when they say this man is abusive.

He has you right where he wants you, trying hard to please him and playing the part of the downtrodden wife beautifully.

Please put you and your children first over this abuser.

A PP said above that they don't think you're ready to listen. I hope with all my heart you are and you start making plans to get away from this absolute bastard of a man ❤️

Nicole1111 · 13/11/2023 15:59

You’re in an abusive relationship.

Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?
KatharinaRosalie · 13/11/2023 15:59

I've been in such a relationship as well. Nothing you will do can please him. Even when you do exactly what he said you should do. He will just keep moving the goalposts.

Prelapsarianhag · 13/11/2023 16:05

This man is an utter cunt.

Ofcourseshecan · 13/11/2023 16:28

OP, he treats you like a punchbag, not a human being, let alone his partner. Please get yourself and DC away from this torture chamber before they grow up thinking that’s how women should be treated.

Aria999 · 13/11/2023 16:50

This is an awful relationship OP. I don't know where to start really but:

  • he is giving you the silent treatment which imo is enough reason all by itself to end a relationship
  • he thinks he is doing you some kind of optional favor by performing his (previously agreed and frankly not very large) part of contributing to the needs of his kids
  • he wants a 1950s style relationship (ugh in itself) without having joint money or giving you any money to pay for family needs
  • you supported him financially and he will not now support you financially or really in any way at all by the sound of it
  • you need a car but he's so desperate to control you that he won't let you have one

WHAT IS THE POINT OF HIM?!