Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

He is seriously controlling you
Read the relevant chapters in "why does he do that?"

Think about your options
Have a chat to womens aid
Your dc will eventually question this ...or will grow up to accept a man calls the shots always

I've only read your first two posts but can swiftly conclude from those that he is a nasty, abusive cunt who won't change his behaviour. It's your call OP but it sounds utterly miserable.

Jesus, just read the rest of your posts.

He is actually enjoying himself isn't he? Just reading how he treats you gives me the rage - I would like to drop-kick him into oblivion and I don't even know him so god knows what it must be doing to your mental health OP

Just make plans to leave, quietly, do not tell him until your plans in place and you away.
Imagine xmas you and dc in peace !
Be ready to call 999 if needed when he kicks off (good to have it recorded by police)
Be ready for the crying /threatening suicide / anger / no one else will have you/ he is going to sue your for custody etc..... all bollox
Who will support you in real life? Family? Friends?

It doesnt matter why or his childhood etc. Is for him to fix not you. Save yourself. Save dc.

is it possible dp doesn’t know what he’s doing? He knows exactly what he's doing and revelling in it.

I have had conversations with him before after him telling me I ‘stress his life’ and I am ‘rude’ etc all because I simply try to talk or occasionally don’t accept his bs. This is what abusers do, they turn nasty when you stand up to them.

how could he ever change if he has never experienced a normal relationship etc? Having a shitty background doesn't justify being an abusive arsehole.

You have 7 pages of people telling you that you have an abusive partner.
It doesn't matter why he's abusive, the only way you can make it stop is to split up from him.

Best wishes getting away from this selfish idiot. You on the other hand sound amazing. You've raised 3 kids on your own! Wow!
You need to model how to be a strong woman and get rid of their prick of a father.

Thank you everyone, I will be reading through the information provided tonight.

I picked dc from school and took them to their clubs. Dp just showed up out of nowhere and said he has come to check on me? He said ‘I’ve given up with you. I don’t care anymore but… I still care. You’re the mother of my children and I have your back’. he took a pause then specifically said ‘mother of my children’…

I didn’t speak or say anything back then he left to go to work.

all I have wanted to do since is burst into tears. I can feel somethings really off. We go through stages like this, where I feel I know him inside out and then there are times like this when I feel I don’t know him at all. It’s like he becomes a stranger to me.

I have a bad feeling he’s been up to something which is why he’s creating this ‘fight’ that I have done something wrong when I haven’t… to put the blame on me so he can avoid me? Maybe I’m thinking too much into it. I just want to cry

A big hug for you @Rachoss93 . It sounds very much like 'The Script'.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

I have a bad feeling he’s been up to something which is why he’s creating this ‘fight’ that I have done something wrong when I haven’t… to put the blame on me so he can avoid me? Maybe I’m thinking too much into it. I just want to cry*

I kept thinking after I read the thread earlier that he thought you were about to catch him out doing something (affair or massive debt or job loss) and he's creating this side show. He has left some evidence somewhere that you didn't notice in the end. Odds on.

Oh god OP, this was an unpleasant read. I hope now you've put your thoughts down and people outside of your partner are talking to you about this, you can get some perspective. From the outside looking in, he's a textbook abuser. Please don't let him convince you that you've done something wrong or deserve to be treated like this, he's a lowlife abuser and he'll never change.

You and your children deserve so much better.

I have a bad feeling he’s been up to something which is why he’s creating this ‘fight’ that I have done something wrong when I haven’t…

Yes, probably. Sounds like he is also gearing up to hold access to the children over you as another way to control you if you try to leave.

Hope you can call women's aid soon. If he's plotting something then it's possibly quite urgent you get some advice.

Btw OP make sure he can't access your phone, email or MN account, or even get a burner phone.

Either that or he's trying to make out you had an affair and question the paternity of the kids.

I should probably add I have no access to his phone since the dc were born. His excuse is that I will cause trouble, cause him stress, I won’t like what I see etc. I gave up and don’t bother about it anymore. He has full access of mine. Although not this thread or MN.

Next time he leaves the house, lock the door and leave the key in it. You should leave as soon as you can OP

This really does not sound like something that is fixable I am sorry OP. He has always kept you at arms length and it’s only getting worse. I agree he is hiding something from you and causing an issue to blame you. He knows what he is doing, and he is enjoying it. The way I know this is how you describe him smirking at you when he knows it’s getting to you and making statements to throw you off balance. I don’t think he sees you as a real person with feelings, he seems to see you more as an employee or an object. I very much encourage you to get away from this man, the description of him made me feel very uneasy and uncomfortable

This is the perfect response

Sorry I only read the first page before replying .

You have done nothing to deserve this . You and your children deserve more . I would be making an escape plan

Please stop apologising for and enabling this vile person.
It’s great you have other healthy relationships. Hopefully they will give you support when you decide to leave.
Do it for your kids if you don’t want to do it for yourself. Don’t they deserve more?

Oh no, he doesn’t have a traditional view - because if he did, he would have married you and provided you with some security. He has an exploitative view- all the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities or cost.

I should probably add I have no access to his phone since the dc were born. His excuse is that I will cause trouble, cause him stress, I won’t like what I see etc. I gave up and don’t bother about it anymore. He has full access of mine. Although not this thread or MN.

Bloody hell. Change all your passwords.

I'm not an expert on these things, please do call women's aid in the morning for advice, and delete the call from your history.

There are tracker apps that exist so try and buy and hide a burner phone. Best of luck let us know how it goes.

This is a ridiculous 'relationship'. He's lucky you bother with him I suppose. A more assured woman wouldnt give that the time of day. You do need to cop onto yourself and speak to someone qualified in rl for advice

OP - there is so much here that’s wrong but you’ve been in an abusive relationship for years so it has skewed your thinking and you have learnt to accept things which are unacceptable. You do need to get out if only so your children don’t learn that this is how families function. You say you grew up with good relationship role-modelling. What support do you have in real life to make the break and build a home elsewhere? Would your parents help you?

I will cause trouble, cause him stress, I won’t like what I see etc.

I know you don't see tings clearly when you are in this situation, but from outside, this sounds just utterly absurd. What would he say if you changed your passcodes and said exactly the same thing, that you won't like what you see and will cause me stress?