Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

He's a controlling abusive dickhead who is ensuring you never ever question him, snap at him or expect anything from him.

If he won't do the shopping, fine. But then there's no food for him is there?

You are not in a very secure place here. I would be looking for a job then seriously considering getting out of this relationship asap.

What’s the point of him?

I would suggest don’t do anything for him.

but if your relationship descends in tit for that and he’s not contributing at all to daily life, he doesn’t make life easier for you anyway even when you’re on good terms. Honestly what is the point of him?

What's the point of him? Your life doesn't sound like it would be any harder without him. Not pulling his weight with the kids, household stuff, greedy, moody and crap sex life? No thanks!

Check out entitled to, to see if you'd qualify for universal credit while you find a job. There's a calculator at the end where you can see how much better off you'd be in work too. How much maintenance would you receive?

Start getting your ducks in a row. Make sure the children's passport, birth certificate and anything else important is with you. Check out rental prices of a new flat. Make a plan to leave.

I was done at

"He told me he could easily give that car to me but I ‘wasn’t ready for that’???"

Your partner is narcissistic, controlling, emotionally abusive and just utterly, utterly vile, sorry.

What would you advise your daughter if a man treated her like this?

I have had my license years before he got his. He has a lovely car meanwhile I take dc on busses in rain or shine every day (except the occasions he decides to help). He wouldn’t share his car with me, in fact there was a time he bought a new car and had his old one just sat there before he sold it. He told me he could easily give that car to me but I ‘wasn’t ready for that’???

He’s controlling you. How dare he say that his partner, who learned to drive years before him, isn’t ready to have a secondhand car. What he meant was “I don’t want you to have a car, because that would give you more freedom and independence, and I like to be the one who gives you lifts when I feel like it and watches you get buses when I don’t”.

Please have a think about how he treats you in so many ways, and consider whether you would be better off without him, because it certainly looks as though he’s wearing you down.

OP what are you doing in this dreadful joyless relationship?! He's absolutely awful. Controlling and emotionally abusive and cruel. Why are you settling for this?

Oh op - HOW can you not see how utterly vile this man is?!? He is horrible. He is abusive. He is selfish. He doesn't give a shit about you or his kids.

You have put an exclamation mark on 'he has a car, I can't afford one.' No, no, no, no.

Oh op, I'm not sure whether to hug you or shake you.

Get. Rid. Of. This. Horrible. Man. Who is making your life miserable.

Also, since he won't get the supermarket shopping - take yourself and your kids out for an early tea tonight, and tell him when he gets in that he needs to sort himself out.

Actually, don't, because your husband sounds like the type who could easily snap if a woman actually dared to really ever question him.

Honestly OP I've done some work with the counting dead women project, and the thought of being with a man like yours absolutely terrifies me. Get out with your kids now.

He's a controlling bully who's chipping away at your self-worth.

Please make plans to leave him.

the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him
It's not your hormones.
but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.
That's completely understandable.
It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?
You are treading on eggshells.

He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes?
He's blaming you for his actions.
except the occasions he decides to help
Help?! He's not meant to help, he's supposed to pull his weight.

My guess is tha t there's another woman and he's making your life hell so that you kick him out and you'll be the bad guy.

Message him 'do you want the kids to have food this week ?' Then tell him you're doing an online shop from now on.
Do you have access to money ?
.
Then make plans to leave him. Abusive bastard.

He's utterly awful op and you are in a. Extremely vulnerable position. Who's name is the tenancy agreement in?

He would not respond to me. He doesn’t send me texts unless it’s telling me something to do. If I texted him something he doesn’t want to hear he’d just ignore it. I had actually responded ‘that’s fine, it is you that it affects as no shopping then no lunches made for you’ along those lines. I also told him I think we should live separately. He hasn’t responded.

I have my own money, not much but enough. I have no access to his money at all

Are they his children, OP?

What the hell, you're raising his children and cooking his meals, and he won't share his car and his money??

Yes.

I don’t tend to let much bother me but recently I have realised that we really are not a ‘team’. More that I am a team with him but he is not with me. I wouldn’t want to see him struggle yet he doesn’t seem bothered if it’s me.

I will say he very willingly pays if we go out though. He’ll pay for mine and dc food when we go to restaurants or days out (which are always for the dc benefit).

I have no idea how much he earns, I don’t question the things I’ll never know anymore. There have been occasions when he has accused me of stealing his money. Hand on heart I can say I have never in our entire relationship not even taken 1 penny of his money. Not even 5p.

That's not normal. It should bother you! He's benefitting massively because you're there, doing childcare and facilitating his life. What do you get out of it?
You're not working, of course he should be paying for you and kids, who else? And not only when you go out.

Oh my goodness no. DH would get 15 mins of this, then I’m done. We’re not children, if you’re unhappy use your big boy words and talk about it.

the grocery shopping childcare etc are all also not your jobs that he helps with, they’re 50% his job. If he’s annoyed at you he doesn’t get to opt out of doing you that ‘favour’ of helping. It’s just his job. Mad or not.

he’s clearly awful because he’s somehow convinced you that he can behave however he wants, whilst you do everything, and if you make a tiny mistake he can then punish you for it.

im fully aware it’s easier said than done, so please don’t mistake my comment as me implying it’s easy or in any way your fault, because it isn’t, but you absolutely have to put a stop to this. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

I’ve read your updates and this is abuse op. You are being financially abused and emotionally abused. Can you look into this a bit so you can try clear the fog, is there anyone you can talk to? Or women’s aid. This is not a sustainable way to live.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, you have to get out and get safe

He’s awful and emotionally abusive. He tries to hold you down (not giving you his car, making life harder for you with the dc by not doing anything) and control you. Keep you too tied to him and exhausted and caught up in walking on eggshells around him to do anything for you or that benefits you. Does he know you’re looking for jobs and could that be why he has stepped up his mistreatment of you?

There will always be some “nice” treatment (like paying for meals and days out) but probably so he can say “how could you do this? I am nice to you! Don’t you see all the things I happily pay for?!”.

You lost me at the words "not helping". I assume these are his DC? In which case it isn't "helping", it's "parenting". You "parent" your own children or in his case, will find himself doing more of this when he is on his own.

There could be many reasons for his behaviour such as an OW (some of it seems textbook) or he just likes having complete control. Either way, he is being abusive to you and depriving his kids while he has what he wants so don't waste too much time analysing his behaviour as it isn't important. If you can't think of any reason for his disproportionate vile treatment of you, then he is probably just doing it because he wants to or enjoys it. Either way you you need to get you away from him and to protect your DC him as much as possible and not having him in your home would be a good start.

You should live separately as you told him as he is only bringing misery to you. Stick with this - don't just make it an empty threat. He isn't going to change and will continue to control money and your movements. Start looking for a job. Dust off your CV, look up the latest layouts/wording for them online and see what you can go for. Reach out to friends and family for help and advice.

You'll need to sort out your living arrangements which will depend upon whether you own or rent and what you can afford. Look online for calculators to see what help you will be eligible for and what he will likely have to contribute. If you can, get copies of his salary/earnings any other paperwork as he seems unlikely to be honest about it even though it would be taking money from his own children.

This is horrible to read. Please don't let your children grow up in a household like this. Are any of the children this boyfriend's? Why don't you want to marry him so you have a bit of security if you will not leave him?

Does he pay for the groceries? It sounds as though he pays when he’s the good guy treating you but doesn’t pull his weight financially or practically.

I’m so sorry, how crap.
You have facilitated him, and he’s undermined you.
He’s cheating you.

What’s your accommodation situation? You need to separate and get CMS on him- or proper 50:50 where he pulls his weight.

for those that asked - yes they are his children.

he has a very old traditional view in terms of the woman cooks cleans and raises the kids and the man works. I have no idea how he obtained this mentality as he wasn’t raised in an environment like that

OF COURSE he would pay if you go out!! How would you have any money if your role in the family is childcare and housework?!! Wake up op. How proper relationships work is the money he earns, is family money to be shared equally between the two of you.
If he is not fulfilling his part of the bargain - the finances - what are you getting out of this relationship?

Start doing the numbers op. Find out what maintenance he would owe. You need to know his salary. Find out how much help the government would give you. Find a job if it doesn't add up.

You need to do this op. For yours as well as your children's sake.