Dp not helping because he’s mad at me?

[Rachoss93]

honestly I am not quite sure what I have done.

dp has been off with me for a few days now. Just seems to be angry at me, we haven’t barely spoken he’s ignored me, gone to bed without me, been rude to me etc. the only thing I can think is that I’m due on my period and the week before I’m due I’m not as ‘tolerable’ of him as I usually am, so I may have been a bit snappy?

the only thing that has really happened on my side is that I was trying to get the dc changed after a sports club and shower, get things from the locker to the changing room (I do it all by myself, dp will just sit there) and as I was struggling back and forth taking things to the changing room he said ‘take all of your stuff from the locker and put it in the changing room’. I snapped and said ‘i am!’.. so be fair it wasn’t that bad but there was a hint of attitude in it as I was frustrated.

long story short, dp has told me last night that he will not be picking the dc up from school with me today. This is our routine on a Monday, we pick up dc then he drives us to their sports club and we spend time together then we pick them up. He has told me he won’t be coming so I’ll be getting the bus with the dc after school and doing it by myself. This is nothing unusual, as I do this everyday alone. But I look forward to the Mondays because I know he will be there to help drive us and I will have company (I am very lonely and this is the only time we really get to spend together).

im upset, not because I can’t handle it… as I do this everyday anyway. I’m upset that this seems to be my ‘punishment’ now the 1 day I can have some adult company and adult conversation and he’s refusing to come with me.

this morning I sent over the grocery list (I send the list and he picks it up from the supermarket in his car - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring shopping on a bus it’s not realistic for me). Every Monday is our routine for food shopping, I sent it and he replied saying ‘sorry but no. Not today. You have put me in a bad place’. I am now extremely confused, I don’t know how I have put him in a ‘bad place’.

I think it is very childish, the food shopping is rarely for me, everything on the list is either for him or the dc. I have gone to the shops go buy as much as I could carry today but I don’t understand why he would behave this way? It feels like I am being punished and I really don’t know what is that serious to cause this?

everything seems to bother him with me at the moment. For example, we went swimming recently and I forgot a small kids ball that we usually take with us. Baring in mine I do everything! Pack all the bags, handle the dc, get the dc changed before and after.. everything. Something so small as forgetting the ball would be a huge problem for him. He will ask me what’s going on with me lately? As if there’s something wrong with me for keep making these mistakes? Something that an average person wouldn’t think twice about but he gets very upset about. It’s as if I should never make a mistake.

has your dp ever behaved this way?

I am not sure why there would be a point for OP to see a solicitor, @Holidayhell22 ? Seeing that they are not married and there do not appear to be any jointly owned assets. However, I am sure Women's Aid and the CAB will be able to help her.

So before kids you paid off his debt. Then after kids he wants traditional but without the breadwinner bit, so who pays for everything if you stay at home then? Is he really stupid? Ltb this is abuse.

Update:

he came home at 12:30am last night. Had bought himself McDonald’s to eat… haven’t spoken at all. Can see that he has followed more women on his social media.

I think his behaviour is disgusting and no I don’t want to allow myself to keep being treated this way

Well done for finding your anger @Rachoss93

Don’t waste your precious life on this man who treats you so terribly.

You are worth so much more than this, he has done nothing to deserve all the love and care you waste on him.

You sound incredibly dependent on him. It's really rather quite sad.

It's going to need one step at a time op to end this. It's going to be difficult because he has got you where he wants - dependent on him and subservient. But it needs to be done. And the sooner you start, the easier it will be, and the better for yourself and your children.

Step 1a. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Find out all the numbers you can.

Step 1b. Ignore him right back. Take back a bit of control.

A little question I’d like to get some opinions on…

is it possible dp doesn’t know what he’s doing? I mean, of course he knows, but he’s somehow blind to his bad behaviour?

I say that as he hasn’t been raised in a great way at all, to the point where he really doesn’t know or understand the basic and normal ways people, families and loved ones interact. He has never seen a normal relationship growing up, whose actions now are complete reflections of what he has witness his entire life/childhood.

whereas I come from the complete opposite. I know normal relationships, whether that be with friends, siblings, parents or partners. I have had examples my entire life, I know how to communicate with people.

iits a question I am wondering as I can see he knows no different. I mean yes he’s a grown adult now and knows what he is doing is unacceptable. I have had conversations with him before after him telling me I ‘stress his life’ and I am ‘rude’ etc all because I simply try to talk or occasionally don’t accept his bs. I asked him before, you know other women would never accept this? They would argue with you back, scream at you, kick you out etc.. do you really think I’m that bad? He honestly told me that no, he knows I am good compared to other women.

how could he ever change if he has never experienced a normal relationship etc? It would be very hard, irs almost embedded into who he is. When you’re raised as a kid and what you experience in childhood moulds the person you become. I don’t think I could ever expect any more from him?

basic human interactions, respect and decency he completely lacks. He’s great with others outside of the home, but those closest to him (besides the dc) he’s absolutely horrid too. He’s openly admitted he’d never want to be in another relationship if it’s not me and he’d want to be alone. That he would prefer that. I can also see that stems from his upbringing, as he practically had to raise himself and has always been alone.

we still haven’t spoken. He’s had the morning off, I made sure to stay out of the house and have just returned to pick something up before getting the dc from school. He was watching tv on the couch, on his phone, had stacked up dishes for me to wash.

He’s great with others outside of the home

So he does know the difference and chooses to be horrid.

Stay strong OP, you need to leave him. It doesn't matter why he's the way he is and btw lots of people with bad childhoods are normal, non-abusive adults.

I too was in an abusive relationship, the guy was lovely for about two years so I was shocked when it started. I do sometimes wonder if he planned it, I don't think so but it's irrelevant really. I read on a thread here that an abuser is an abuser, it doesn't matter what his other behavior is. There have been some very helpful threads on this.

It’s a power thing. And it benefits him. What’s his motivation to change? This arrangement suits him just fine.

Please read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft - it’s really enlightening and helped me see what was truly going on. If you Google it, there’s pdf copies online.

Agree with this. Please get help. This is not normal.

Oh come on op.
A grown adult who doesn't know the right thing to do is wash his own dishes rather than leave it to someone else?
A person who is able to treat strangers well but not the person he should be treating the best.
He knows full well.
So, no op, there is absolutely no chance he doesn't know what he is doing.

If he can do it with others outside the home then (1) he realizes that's how most people expect to be treated and (2) he has those skills available when he wants to use them.

If his childhood has trained him to think it's normal/ acceptable to abuse his partner then that is very sad, but you can't fix him (nobody can) and you shouldn't tolerate it.

He knows what he is doing and he enjoys controlling and hurting you. Get help to leave him a.s.a.p or your children will think this is normal and end up in similar abusive relationships. If you cant leave for you, leabe for your children.

A positive of your recent thought process though op, is that you can see what will happen to your children if you both continue to role model this relationship for them.

wtf? Usually this traditional view goes along with the idea that the man supports the family including the woman. it's meant to be task specialization, not exploitation. Your partner is not traditional, he's just using you. Why on earth are you putting up with this?

He knows exactly how he's behaving!

Listen to the women on here, they are well versed on abusers and will give you all the information you need to help you leave.

You are worth so much more than this 'man' and his abuse.

You and your children deserve a peaceful, happy life. You will not get that if you stay with him.

Keep strong, we're all behind you and here when you need support.

Just leave. Honestly in a years time you will be ecstatically happy even though it will be tough on your own initially.

This isn't living x

He knows what he’s doing OP.

Surely he didn’t treat you this way when you first met?
He’s punishing you. He’s controlling you. Because he’s sad and pathetic and gets a power kick out of it. If he’s anything like my ex (which it sounds like he is) he does it because he lacks control over anyone else and you are the only one that ‘obeys’ his wanky rules.

Yes, he 100% knows. He wouldn't dare do this to his boss/client or he'd be fired or maybe arrested even. I've been both shocked and amused at how quickly an abuser can switch from raging to polite when the phone rings or someone knocks at the door. They 100% know what they are doing.

Here is a free pdf copy of the book Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He is an expert in studying abusers.

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Your partner knows exactly what he's doing.

He isn't 'traditional'. He's abusive.

OP, is this what you want your bairns to learn about relationships? Why? Your bloke is a prick.

You would be better off on benefits than with this specimen.

Everything the posters above said. To summarise:

It doesn't matter why he does what he does.
He knows very well that what he is doing is wrong, but he enjoys the control and your distress.
He is able to control himself when he wants to - with others, at work, etc.
He will not change. Not ever.
Your children are being damaged by growing up in this horrible environment.

Please can you do 2 things:

• tonight, read 'Why Does He Do That' - linked by a poster above;
• tomorrow, ring Women's Aid. Keep trying - the lines can be busy.

💐💐💐💐💐

You need to leave him and get your kids away from him. He is a nasty spiteful person.