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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm going off sex because DP is obsessed with it even when I'm ill

207 replies

PandoraRocks · 09/11/2023 21:12

We don't live together but have been in a relationship for a long time. I usually go to his house at weekends and we holiday together.

He has always had a higher sex drive than me but I was pretty keen in the early years together. Admittedly, I'm less interested now post menopause but have no trouble having orgasms. I had problems with painful sex (now sorted) and he wasn't particularly understanding and didn't realise how uncomfortable it was for me.

Cut to the present and he is obsessed with sex to the point it's pushing me away. He's worse now since he started smoking weed again (gave up for a few years), watches porn every day in work and at home and keeps texting me saying what he wants to do. He also has a fetish which he wants to do every time we have sex and I'm beginning to feel more like a performing doll. He has admitted he can't stop thinking about sex all the time because he doesn't get enough apparently!

I had an accident 2 months ago and had a painful bone break. I haven't been able to drive so basically stuck at home or on buses (rural area so transport not great). He stayed with me the first week and has come over once since then but I've been pretty much left to myself. I've managed with internet shopping and a friend's help. I have been over to his place once. Every time I saw him he wanted a blow job, even with my arm in a sling! Now he wants to see me this weekend for 3 days of 'shagging' every day.

Honestly I'm pissed off. I feel neglected and its been a challenging time for me emotionally, financially and physically. I don't want to spend all weekend indoors as I've done that for 2 months! He sulks when he doesn't have sex. I just wish he had some other interests like I do.

OP posts:
GetTheWinterQuiltOut · 09/11/2023 21:15

How often do you have sex to avoid the sulks?

he sounds disgusting - watching porn at work and pestering you for sex is really gross

Seagrassbasket · 09/11/2023 21:15

God, I had an ex like that. It was just awful. He’s a selfish arsehole and it won’t get better.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this before, but LTB.

Munchyseeds2 · 09/11/2023 21:15

Yuk
He sounds gross

CrapBucket · 09/11/2023 21:17

Sounds so grim. You are worth more than that.

Codlingmoths · 09/11/2023 21:18

Really?? Why would anyone want to have sex with this guy? Just text him ‘you make me feel like you want me to be a blow up sex doll who doesn’t have feelings or get ill or have anything else in her life to do. I don’t have words for how unsexy this makes me feel and how little I want to have sex with a man who doesn’t seem to care about me. I think we might not be compatible anymore, I would like to be in a relationship and that’s not what you’re after.’

justalittlesnoel · 09/11/2023 21:18

He's watching porn at work?! Eww.

He sounds like he has a genuine problem - he needs to talk to someone.

Ianz · 09/11/2023 21:18

You picked yourself a winner OP !

Pigeonqueen · 09/11/2023 21:18

How can you want to be with someone like this? Repulsive.

justjeansandanicetop · 09/11/2023 21:18

Oh yuk.

Get rid, OP, he sounds disgusting.

KTSl1964 · 09/11/2023 21:19

He’s a sex addict - he needs help and needs to contact Sex and love addicts anonymous - given he’s an addict you have no control over it - you need to think about leaving him.

Ragwort · 09/11/2023 21:19

Surely no sane woman would put up with this? What exactly do you see in this weed smoking sex pest? Hmm

Where is your self respect?

Muchonachomiamigo · 09/11/2023 21:20

Why on earth would you want to ever have sex with him??

Quite apart from the fetish that he expects you to perform, the sulking and the awful fact he wants blowjobs when you are injured, he watches porn at WORK? WTF??

So glad to read you don't live together. Block him for your own sanity.

TheShellBeach · 09/11/2023 21:20

Good grief.
A weed-smoking, porn-watching sex pest who sulks.

Tell us his good points.

Get rid of this one, OP.

AgathaMystery · 09/11/2023 21:23

TheShellBeach · 09/11/2023 21:20

Good grief.
A weed-smoking, porn-watching sex pest who sulks.

Tell us his good points.

Get rid of this one, OP.

Edited

Agreed. What exactly attracts you to him?

QueenCamilla · 09/11/2023 21:25

Omg. I'm in my thirties and wouldn't want to be dealing with a weed-head sex pest. Or a fetishist, which from experience, is equally awful. I'm angry for you.

Is ANY relationship worth it?

Devilsmommy · 09/11/2023 21:26

Oh yes because sulking like a toddler is obviously the way to turn a woman on🙄 I'd be telling him to do one asap

Sunandnomoon · 09/11/2023 21:27

Why do you stay with him OP? Are you scared of being single? Do you worry that you won’t find anyone better?

bonzaitree · 09/11/2023 21:28

He sounds revolting. You don’t live with him so just bin him off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2023 21:29

TheShellBeach · 09/11/2023 21:20

Good grief.
A weed-smoking, porn-watching sex pest who sulks.

Tell us his good points.

Get rid of this one, OP.

Edited

Nailed it.

Designingheaven · 09/11/2023 21:29

Sorry you’re feeling this way. I know my advice may not be in line with many mum net users (I’m new to posting) but I work in a line of work that is based on coaching and counselling women and sometimes couples. I worked in the sex industry for over a decade and I learnt ALOT.

Relationships are a two way thing, If he’s open to asking you to do things to make him happy then you asking him to not do things that are making you unhappy should be met with complete understanding and respect. If it is not, then it’s not equal. It does sound like he’s aware of the level of sexual content he’s watching (I expect it’s progressed to more explicit thing by the sounds of it) & how much he’s craving sex. Signs of sex addiction but also can be that he’s just got a high sex drive like you mentioned. I think, it’s ok to be so heavily focused on sex but only if it’s fully reciprocated.

I’ve been in a similar situation when I had cervical cancer (early stages all fine for last 4 years!) my ex would pester me for sex during the lead up to my surgery and after, even though I told him I felt really physically disconnected and when I have sex I was so aware of the cancer that I wasn’t enjoying sex at all (which is rare for me).

My advice would be to approach the subject, I don’t know anything about your relationship or the dynamic so I dunno if that’s possible but I find the ‘sh#t sandwich’ method works. Open with a massive compliment like ‘you know how much I LOVE having sex, our sex is always great! However I’m really struggling there with…. Insert issues.. then.. I’d really like to discuss some fantasies of mine with you for when I’m ready..’ you shouldn’t have to paddy foot around it as it’s wrong you’re feeling this way but there a small chance he doesn’t realise how it’s making you feel. If he does know, then that says it all.

other option, steam in, lay out how you feel and say you’re not comfortable.

sorry for the essay. Good luck x

Lovelillieshatetroubles · 09/11/2023 21:30

'Good grief.
A weed-smoking, porn-watching sex pest who sulks.'

😂i caught this comment and thought it was a joke/exaggerated lighthearted comment. Then I saw the op, god that is so not on. He is a grown man acting like a teenager. The weed on its own is bad enough, I can't imagine what job he does stoned and porn, what does this guy do??

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/11/2023 21:31

Urgh. He sounds repulsive. Of course you don't want to have sex with. Who would?!

blacksax · 09/11/2023 21:31

How revolting.

What possible reason could you have for staying in a relationship with someone who treats you as an object he uses to gratify himself with?

Specso · 09/11/2023 21:38

I have to ask..what on earth do you find attractive about him? He sounds revolting. Expecting blow jobs and 3 day sex sessions when you’re injured and having a tough time.

Seriously op, just why?

StarDolphins · 09/11/2023 21:38

Unless he’s 16, I would chuck horny back where you found him. He sounds utterly gross🤮