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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going off sex because DP is obsessed with it even when I'm ill

207 replies

PandoraRocks · 09/11/2023 21:12

We don't live together but have been in a relationship for a long time. I usually go to his house at weekends and we holiday together.

He has always had a higher sex drive than me but I was pretty keen in the early years together. Admittedly, I'm less interested now post menopause but have no trouble having orgasms. I had problems with painful sex (now sorted) and he wasn't particularly understanding and didn't realise how uncomfortable it was for me.

Cut to the present and he is obsessed with sex to the point it's pushing me away. He's worse now since he started smoking weed again (gave up for a few years), watches porn every day in work and at home and keeps texting me saying what he wants to do. He also has a fetish which he wants to do every time we have sex and I'm beginning to feel more like a performing doll. He has admitted he can't stop thinking about sex all the time because he doesn't get enough apparently!

I had an accident 2 months ago and had a painful bone break. I haven't been able to drive so basically stuck at home or on buses (rural area so transport not great). He stayed with me the first week and has come over once since then but I've been pretty much left to myself. I've managed with internet shopping and a friend's help. I have been over to his place once. Every time I saw him he wanted a blow job, even with my arm in a sling! Now he wants to see me this weekend for 3 days of 'shagging' every day.

Honestly I'm pissed off. I feel neglected and its been a challenging time for me emotionally, financially and physically. I don't want to spend all weekend indoors as I've done that for 2 months! He sulks when he doesn't have sex. I just wish he had some other interests like I do.

OP posts:
Panaa · 09/11/2023 23:45

I think its become an addiction and when I mentioned it before he said it was due to a lack of sex!

He would say that though. Decent men don't become sex pests during dry spells.

Truthfully don't all blokes watch it? I think it rots their brains.
I know he watches it at work when I'm not there because we have a business together and I've checked the laptop.

Most do, but they don't all become addicts.

He said he can't concentrate on anything and just thinks about sex all the time.

But he's unwilling to do anything about that and instead wants to make it your problem. He would rather that you have sex you don't want.

There's a kind of desperation about it which wasn't there before and of course that just puts me off. Admittedly sex has taken a back seat this year due to both of us having illnesses like Covid, bad backs, stomach viruses, my accident etc. And now I've got months of physio to regain my arm function.

Well the solution cannot come from you. Your only option is sex you don't want where he makes you feel like a blow up doll. You will only be able to do that for so long before you develop a full aversion to sex with him.

Catsmere · 09/11/2023 23:51

Porn use escalates. The stuff they start with no longer provides the dopamine thrill, so they get into worse and worse things. And guess what, they demand it of women in their lives, often enough with the "well the women in porn enjoy it" excuse (memo: they don't). If he's now into fetish territory he's beyond redemption.

Someone needs to inform his work of what he's doing, and OP, get the hell rid of him. Coercion and nagging someone into sex is sexual assault. Might not be called rape under UK law but that's what it amounts to.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/11/2023 00:00

Urghhh I was going to just tell you to dump him via text but have read your update that you run a business together. This really complicates things for you.

I really do think you need to dump him but you'd need to sort out the business side of things.

As others have said, he is treating you like a piece of meat to shoot his load into. He's beyond gross.

This is not a healthy relationship which you obviously know.

I have no idea how you can break apart from you in terms of your business partnership as obviously we don't know details of that. But it's something you should really explore, even post under a new name for advice on that.

Please do not have sex with this revolting man anymore. He's utterly disgusting.

Catsmere · 10/11/2023 00:02

Oh shit, I didn't see the update about running a business together.

Now I'm hoping this isn't real.

Crumpleton · 10/11/2023 00:09

Thank goodness you don't live together so can at least get away from him.

Tell him to take it in hand and be done with him.

Snazzysausage · 10/11/2023 00:23

On top of everything else he told you he wants 3 days of shagging every day?! God, my nethers would be clanging shut like a safe with a timelock 😐

RiderOfTheBlue · 10/11/2023 00:57

He's not going to change. You get one life, don't spend any more of it pandering to him. Get rid. Imagine never having to worry about being pestered for sex again.

Agapornis · 10/11/2023 01:18

He only lives 12 miles away and only visited you once during 5 of the weeks you were unable to drive?! He's no partner. You deserve better.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/11/2023 01:45

Yeah get rid.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 10/11/2023 02:23

KTSl1964 · 09/11/2023 21:19

He’s a sex addict - he needs help and needs to contact Sex and love addicts anonymous - given he’s an addict you have no control over it - you need to think about leaving him.

No he’s not . He has the horn ( weed induced ) and his gf is just a piece of meat.
He has no respect and OP has to have some
for herself.
He has shown she doesn’t Mean more than sex to her .
Lbt

Fraaahnces · 10/11/2023 03:29

I think you need to ask yourself what you would advise a friend who told you what you said in the first post…. Pretty sure it would be that you deserve to be cherished and supported, not treated like walking orifices existing only to service him.

Panaa · 10/11/2023 03:40

Fraaahnces · 10/11/2023 03:29

I think you need to ask yourself what you would advise a friend who told you what you said in the first post…. Pretty sure it would be that you deserve to be cherished and supported, not treated like walking orifices existing only to service him.

Absolutely this!
And he couldn't even be bothered to drive 12 miles to see her/help her out when she was injured and so isolated. 12!

OP what did you say to the friend who helped you out recently about where your 'partner' was?

oakleaffy · 10/11/2023 04:42

I hope he has to have his wankety wanking arm in a sling as a punishment for pestering you!

Yuck.
Get rid.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/11/2023 06:06

fuck. You have a business with him?! 😩

NameChangeToInfinity · 10/11/2023 06:42

Designingheaven · 09/11/2023 21:29

Sorry you’re feeling this way. I know my advice may not be in line with many mum net users (I’m new to posting) but I work in a line of work that is based on coaching and counselling women and sometimes couples. I worked in the sex industry for over a decade and I learnt ALOT.

Relationships are a two way thing, If he’s open to asking you to do things to make him happy then you asking him to not do things that are making you unhappy should be met with complete understanding and respect. If it is not, then it’s not equal. It does sound like he’s aware of the level of sexual content he’s watching (I expect it’s progressed to more explicit thing by the sounds of it) & how much he’s craving sex. Signs of sex addiction but also can be that he’s just got a high sex drive like you mentioned. I think, it’s ok to be so heavily focused on sex but only if it’s fully reciprocated.

I’ve been in a similar situation when I had cervical cancer (early stages all fine for last 4 years!) my ex would pester me for sex during the lead up to my surgery and after, even though I told him I felt really physically disconnected and when I have sex I was so aware of the cancer that I wasn’t enjoying sex at all (which is rare for me).

My advice would be to approach the subject, I don’t know anything about your relationship or the dynamic so I dunno if that’s possible but I find the ‘sh#t sandwich’ method works. Open with a massive compliment like ‘you know how much I LOVE having sex, our sex is always great! However I’m really struggling there with…. Insert issues.. then.. I’d really like to discuss some fantasies of mine with you for when I’m ready..’ you shouldn’t have to paddy foot around it as it’s wrong you’re feeling this way but there a small chance he doesn’t realise how it’s making you feel. If he does know, then that says it all.

other option, steam in, lay out how you feel and say you’re not comfortable.

sorry for the essay. Good luck x

Edited

I'm sorry, but why should she do this to placate him? He clearly doesn't care about her feelings surrounding it. He's not a child who needs 'ooh if you do this you'll get a treat later.'

Get rid OP.

harerunner · 10/11/2023 06:57

@Pinkbonbon I agree with your perspective.

@QueenCamilla If you have the attitude that all men are selfish shits, then you will attract selfish shits. Decent men won't be attracted by your vibes. You may not care about that and be content with just casual sex with men, but that's a consequence of your choice, not a necessity.

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2023 07:00

GetTheWinterQuiltOut · 09/11/2023 21:15

How often do you have sex to avoid the sulks?

he sounds disgusting - watching porn at work and pestering you for sex is really gross

this. absolutely disgusting.

Fishpieandchips · 10/11/2023 07:01

There is so much wrong with this but I highly recommend being single.
Hope your injury improves soon

YerArseInParsley · 10/11/2023 07:02

@PandoraRocks
What was the relationship like before the accident? Where you happy with your sexlife? Is there more to the relationship besides sex, do yous do other things together?

It's sounds like he has a problem. Have you told him how all this is making you feel, like a sex object? You need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation and tell him it sounds like he's obsessing over sex and his watching porn is the same. If he can't get through a days work without porn then that's a real problem.
Tell him how you feel and see his response and take it from there.

ChampagneLassie · 10/11/2023 07:07

Codlingmoths · 09/11/2023 21:18

Really?? Why would anyone want to have sex with this guy? Just text him ‘you make me feel like you want me to be a blow up sex doll who doesn’t have feelings or get ill or have anything else in her life to do. I don’t have words for how unsexy this makes me feel and how little I want to have sex with a man who doesn’t seem to care about me. I think we might not be compatible anymore, I would like to be in a relationship and that’s not what you’re after.’

Be brave end it. This is perfect

laclochette · 10/11/2023 07:09

You are not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is incredibly important. Ergo you are not compatible. Ergo this relationship isn't the right one for you.

(I think he also sounds uncaring and selfish, but even if he weren't, the above would still stand. Since he is, it's doubly true.)

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2023 07:11

I see you have a business with him if you stopped having sex with him do you think he'd make work difficult? he doesn't sound 1 bit attractive you don't have to listen to any of his sex talk.

NameChangeToInfinity · 10/11/2023 07:11

@Codlingmoths your response is perfect.

Brefugee · 10/11/2023 07:11

have not RTFT. This relationship has run its course. You literally are better off without him.

LlynTegid · 10/11/2023 07:21

End the relationship. Have self respect.

Then let the DVLA know he takes drugs and drives.

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