I'm going off sex because DP is obsessed with it even when I'm ill

[PandoraRocks]

We don't live together but have been in a relationship for a long time. I usually go to his house at weekends and we holiday together.

He has always had a higher sex drive than me but I was pretty keen in the early years together. Admittedly, I'm less interested now post menopause but have no trouble having orgasms. I had problems with painful sex (now sorted) and he wasn't particularly understanding and didn't realise how uncomfortable it was for me.

Cut to the present and he is obsessed with sex to the point it's pushing me away. He's worse now since he started smoking weed again (gave up for a few years), watches porn every day in work and at home and keeps texting me saying what he wants to do. He also has a fetish which he wants to do every time we have sex and I'm beginning to feel more like a performing doll. He has admitted he can't stop thinking about sex all the time because he doesn't get enough apparently!

I had an accident 2 months ago and had a painful bone break. I haven't been able to drive so basically stuck at home or on buses (rural area so transport not great). He stayed with me the first week and has come over once since then but I've been pretty much left to myself. I've managed with internet shopping and a friend's help. I have been over to his place once. Every time I saw him he wanted a blow job, even with my arm in a sling! Now he wants to see me this weekend for 3 days of 'shagging' every day.

Honestly I'm pissed off. I feel neglected and its been a challenging time for me emotionally, financially and physically. I don't want to spend all weekend indoors as I've done that for 2 months! He sulks when he doesn't have sex. I just wish he had some other interests like I do.

Well he wasn't always like this and didn't watch porn so much. I think its become an addiction and when I mentioned it before he said it was due to a lack of sex!

No, his obsession with sex is because he watches porn.

He sounds disgusting tbh, I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him.

Tell him he has a problem that he needs to solve. It's porn, which is reducing his ability to see you as a real human being and to connect with you as a human being. He needs to give it up and give up sex for a while to re-wire his brain.

There's an organisation for men who are porn addicted that he needs to contact. If he refuses to, just bin the sex with him, you're not getting anything out of it and you don't owe him it.

Can you see a way of extricating yourself from this situation, business wise? Otherwise you might have to consider going forward purely as business partners. Clearly the romantic side of things has definitely sailed. There is nothing positive for you in this relationship, only heartache. I’m so sorry. 💐

Posters are suggesting ways of helping him. Forget it, it’s not your problem. Concentrate on yourself.

He likes lots of sex does he? Then he can go fuck himself.
Seriously, LTB. The business thing makes it complicated, but that's going to implode anyway, isn't it?

VOMIT

He sounds utterly vile. This isn't going to change, OP. You know what you need to do. Be free. He's using you as his personal sex doll and he DOESN'T LOVE YOU

Sounds like DP has a sex addiction, recommend a health check with a GP.

sex addiction as a real condition Is very much debatable and its really up to the man with these "issues" to sort themselves out.

You need to remind yourself (and him) that you are not a human stress ball.

Even if 'most men' do something you are uncomfortable with, you can still choose to only want to date the men who don't don't do that thing. And to be single rather than be with those who do.

so much this, but I'll add who doesn't seem to care about you when your sick or ill. (well he never seems to care about you, but that would be the moment to drop the nonchalant act if it WAS an act).

This relationship sounds one -sided at best. He he doesn't have any tender or caring feelings about you after you've been together for years he's never going to. If you're just with him for the sex honestly I think you can do better.

If you care about someone who doesn't care about you it'll be harder but is probably more important to break up.

I'm getting the ick just reading the description.

Do you worry that you won’t find anyone better?

You'd have to scrape around in the bargain basement of humanity to find someone worse. I'd be finding a way out OP - find a way to take over the business yourself or for him to buy you out. Separate from him. He's grim and doesn't care about you. Sure, he may have various addiction issues but you'll be left trying to work out if the addiction made him selfish or if the selfishness enabled the addiction and either way, you'll be left with a self-centred addict.

Does he add anything positive to your life? Does he make you smile, make your heart sing, bring you joy?

It doesn't sound like it. He's a selfish drug using porn addict who treats you with contempt.

Kick him to the kerb. Let him find some other lucky lady to fuck.

Good grief.

Apart from the fact that he treats you like a sex-toy and clearly doesn't care about your feelings or pleasure in the slightest, I'm horrified that he's looking at porn AT WORK. You run a business together, and he's spending his working hours having a wank? Absolutely vile.

I'm actually very relaxed about porn in general but clearly he has an addiction and is also a total sex-pest with zero boundaries. Like men who think it's OK to watch porn on their laptop while on a train.

Also, imagine being that third person and actually having to sit in an office with him all day. Because I guarantee you there is no way he isn't creepy as hell.

I hope your arm is better now. He I not a good man, and you've probably had your eyes opened to this quite dramatically now.

Your livelihood is tied up with his, though, so don't make any rash decisions- make a plan. If you wound up the business, would you be able to manage until you could start again? Could you potentially go into partnership with someone else?

This made my blood boil. OP raise your standards please, you are not a sex toy. If he's obsessed it's on him to seek help. He sounds like a proper loser.

As @BardRelic says - extricate yourself from the business when it's a good time for you - you said you've got financial commitments and a big car bill coming up so obviously you can't just pack his bags now. But you can start going through things and preparing now, without him knowing.

As for the sex, I tighten up just at the thought of having to be intimate with a pest like this. No way! Strongly suggest you give him the links to male addiction help groups, and tell him he needs to join them ASAP.

https://atsac.org.uk/

ATSAC (the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity) is a not-for-profit organisation that provides information and support on sex addiction and compulsivity.

Sex addiction is a growing problem that can devastate lives. ATSAC is committed to providing hope, information, and treatment to sex addicts and those who love them.

OMG @PandoraRocks why on earth are you with this person? I'd rather be alone for life than with a vile pig like this. He sounds worse than any animal.

He has a sex addiction and he needs treatment for it.
His interest in sex is being used to get away from his other uncomfortable feelings and is affecting his ability to function in life.

Worse though, is he is using you as a prop to fulfil his needs.

It's not unlike getting money from you to continue gambling and then blaming you and calling you a bad person and making you guilty and that you don't 'love' him if you don't.

It's an addiction and you need to step away from him.

This isn't love. No more than someone going to a prostitute is 'love'.

At the minute you are a free prostitute.

And worse than that, he has no real interest in you it would seem.

His only interest in you, is your interest in meeting his needs.

Yeah, blame women when men do bad. Bad men is the fault of the women they're with 🙄

With a free moment to spare go on a male-centered forum (the football ones ore something) to have a look around. And read the absolute belligerent entitlement in all the complaints of women "not putting it out". Not putting it out due to recent child-birth, exhaustion, periods, menopause, any illness... Anything. And read the replies there. I don't have to speak for the men, they do it for themselves. And I haven't made them do it - they don't know my vibes (lol!).

The poor menz can't switch it off as and when required (apparently)...

And let's get the old favourite "Not all men" out of the way. No, not all men. But plenty enough so that I feel safe generalising here.
I feel about it as strongly as "all builders are crap in East Yorkshire". My vibes attract those too.

So, you are financially dependent upon a man who is a narrow-minded, porn-struck, doped up sex pest & after a week of helping you out went back home for you to rely upon others for basic shopping & support. Truly a Prince who you have to keep onside?

Of course that is a very stark & slanted assessment of what you have said.

As you say, you are both getting older & facing the realities of ageing particularly after an injury. Is this the relationship what you want for your future?

Take a rain check this weekend to reflect on what you really want out of this relationship.

Can you make changes to the shared business or is now the time to bite the bullet & call it a day?

If you want to continue both the business & emotional relationship, then you need to set some ground rules about what you want & what you need, e.g. he does not slack off or indulge in porn during working hours, that he helps your recovery when asked, that he lays off the weed as he is batshit & demotivated etc etc.

That said, sounds like you’d be better off sorting yourself out financially & having a fresh start without him.

Truthfully don't all blokes watch it?

No not all blokes. Mine doesn't. I don't think it's normal for anyone to be watching porn regularly but that's just my opinion.

@PandoraRocks im so sorry, this must be extremely difficult at a time when you especially need to feel loved and supported. lots of men don’t watch porn, they just don’t do it. It’s rare in my experience to meet a “sex addict” who doesn’t also see women as something less than fully human. This probably explains the lack of compassion for your illness. I’m sure you’ve been very stressed and under pressure in your life? What are the odds that you would want to have sex with someone who didn’t want it as a result of that?
you are 100% right that porn rots people’s brains. The most important thing now is for you to put down some boundaries with him, I would recommend keeping things friendly but distant, avoid witnessing, noticing, engaging with the sulks. If he asks for “your advice” just say “gosh I’m so sorry I have no idea what you should do!”. I would also recommend not talking to him about your pain at all if you can avoid it. It will continue to make you sad if he just doesn’t care.
I’d say you just need to do the above while you figure out what you want or need. I would also mentally prepare myself for infidelity, it might not end up that way but there’s a good chance it will. Sorry, it’s so upsetting, but you need to survive and then you can thrive, survival usually means not being at the mercy of his bullshit, which means creating boundaries.

He sounds extremely selfish, not to mention extremely immature and extremely boring.

Get rid!