My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

Geez, the arrogance of him. It would have been honorable not to tell you that as there's no point.

I'd be tempted to reply "I don't care".

Or “ I cheated on you too so we are evens, get over it”

Wait - so he’s admitted to something you didn’t know about? So that’s not really an apology is it? He hasn’t admitted to the ‘known’ shitty behaviour so hasn’t actually confessed?

I’d go with WTF you complete arsehole.

You rightly describe him as a tosser.

I think I’d just reply with that one word and leave it at that!

It’s just another creepy hurtful way of treating you, isn’t it?
If he really felt remorse, he wouldn’t have bothered you and would have directed his remorse into being a better man for the people in his life now.

I'd go with laughing emoji, 'wtf?' Another laughing emoji and then a middle finger emoji. 😆 wtf xD🖕

Ugh, what a selfish thing to do. Anyone would know the only outcome would be to cause upset or hurt. So he can feel better? What a jerk.

Reply sending him a link to a local church with one line suggesting a priest might be more interested in his confession because you don't give a shit.

What a nobber!! 😂 I must admit it's tempting to ignore - but then he 'considers it closed' or up the ante and go with @bossybloss suggestion. Tell him you are sorry you shagged his best mate and pleased you can all get past this now and you 'consider it closed'

I ‘d reply something along the lines of; why are you contacting me? I haven’t even thought about you in X years. Very strange. Anyhow, don’t worry I’m happily married now and have been for a long time. My dh is wonderful and I have to admit I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet someone as beautiful as him.
Then block him on every media.
He sounds like a complete dick.

My long term ex did something similar years ago as a result of some cultish programme. It wasn't a confession about cheating. It was a half hearted apology about some of his shitty behaviour. It was so inadequate and so invasive it made me fume. The whole premise is so selfish. It's about absolving themselves and pays no regard to the impact it has on the receiver.

I’m going to be honest and say that I would definitely be having the last word here!

ot maybe I’d write the letter and not hit send!

I wouldn’t let him consider the matter closed. If he is going to confess then it isn’t actually the act of confessing that is the precursor to absolution.

I think he is undeserving of absolution- he is doing this without wanting to, he hasn’t recognized why this is a ‘sin’. He is box ticking, without asking or engaging with the actual damage he has done.
I would note that his actions here are still out-of-integrity but they are NOT out of character.

I would mention that it seems like a cult, and that he is being weird.

Then I would ask him to read this and let him know that his cod-psychology fools no one and is actually an embarrassment.
https://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-worship/sacraments-and-sacramentals/penance#:~:text=The%20Sacrament%20of%20Penance%20is,our%20sins%2C%20especially%20mortal%20sins.

It sounds a bit like an AA thing rather than a work thing.

I've literally never in my life heard of any paid job that requires you to contact your ex girlfriend from the distant past...

In AA (alcoholics anonymous) or NA (narcotics anonymous) however, it's a well established part of the twelve steps to make amends/confess your wrong doings - but with the strict caveat that you only do this if you're sure it won't upset the person on the receiving end.

What he's done has been upsetting to you, so if it's an AA/NA thing- he's done it wrong. He should have left you alone and his mentor should have told him that.

Sounds like the 12 steps to me. I would lay it to rest say thanks and request no contact and ask him to respect your wish for no contact.

He's attempting to hurt you by confessing the cheating that you never knew about, maybe it was a retaliation, knowing you didn't sound interested in hearing from him again, arrogant of him to still think you care, he's crazy, I'd just say I don't care! Block his email address.

Bizarre, right? It's so strange. Almost like he got his homework and thought "oh, I know a great one! A neat little confession and apology. Tick. Now I am a person with integrity". Either he misinterpreted the task or his course is fucking stupid.

The reason I don't want to reply is because I fear his course leaders will/ have said that there will be anger and hurt from all the people he contacts, and that's ok as it is part of the process. Whereas if I go with total radio silence, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. And that will eat at him slowly, I just know him.

But venting here feels sooooooooo good

If he's in some batshit cult or if is AA style making good: so what? Despite your best efforts it sounds as though he is getting to you again. You should not have replied in the first place.

Reply, me too, tell your dad I said hi

Could you grade him then provide critical feedback? D- 'Whilst you appeared to understand the overall assignment, you forgot to use any skills in empathy. You also missed that acting with integrity required proper consequences of your actions. In order to improve your grade in the future I recommend that you first gain consent for the conversation beginning and ending.'

… and your mother.

I’d tell him you had a one-time sexual indiscretion with someone close to him. Leave it there to haunt him. Don’t suggest who is might be and block him.

What an infuriating dipstick. I hope this cult/ course is robbing him blind. Yes, ignore him. He wants to feel that he's under your skin again for whatever reason. He isn't, you've got a great life.

Oh some really interesting replies that I missed, thank you in going to read them and think a bit more now

Please use this!

Whatever course he’s on is either f*ed up or he’s totally missing the point. He hasn’t ’made amends’ or ‘regained his integrity’ - he’s just dumped his feelings on to you like a teenager who’s had a bad day.

do not engage, do not reply. Whatever therapeutic ‘work’ he claims to be doing is not sinking in below the surface. He doesn’t get it. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t give him a second more of your energy!