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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

297 replies

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:34

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

OP posts:
alterego2 · 08/11/2023 11:17

Hooplahooping · 07/11/2023 22:54

Whatever course he’s on is either f*ed up or he’s totally missing the point. He hasn’t ’made amends’ or ‘regained his integrity’ - he’s just dumped his feelings on to you like a teenager who’s had a bad day.

do not engage, do not reply. Whatever therapeutic ‘work’ he claims to be doing is not sinking in below the surface. He doesn’t get it. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t give him a second more of your energy!

This says it perfectly

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 08/11/2023 11:34

I'd reply with just one word:

"Noted"

You're right that no response is probably the best and most grown up choice but that last line about him considering the matter closed would make me want to get the last word in - but literally just the one word 😂

Catandsquirrel · 08/11/2023 12:09

alterego2 · 08/11/2023 11:17

This says it perfectly

Yes this. It's not about snappy replies.

Dumping a load of new crappy and potentially hurtful information (you've moved on which is understandable and great but but isn't the point. Someone else might be devastated) and saying 'I've got what I need from doing this. The matter is closed'. That is intensely selfish and blockheaded. This awful cult will have taught him that any emotional response is your problem and part of his healing and he has cut off any reasoning or recriminations by declaring it closed.

Please just cut him off. He's a self centred arse.

TammyJones · 08/11/2023 12:44

I hope my ex doesn't do this.
Unlikely
He'd probably go
'I'm sorry , but you did worse and made me do it '
Just ignore and block.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 08/11/2023 12:57

If anyone is entitled to be saying, "I now consider this matter, and the past, closed” its you!

He’s a cheeky f###er - and the organisation he’s subscribed to too!

PlayTheWillyBanjo · 08/11/2023 20:16

I'd say 'Don't worry at all, AS IF that mattered now, that was AGES ago and I'm so happy with my DH so absolutely no need for any apology, but at the same time, I am sad to hear things turned out differently for you and you haven't got over things with me yet, please keep going with this therapy and I hope you get yourself together one day, I wish you well and hope one day you'll be able to let this go.

Then block

SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/11/2023 20:26

PlayTheWillyBanjo · 08/11/2023 20:16

I'd say 'Don't worry at all, AS IF that mattered now, that was AGES ago and I'm so happy with my DH so absolutely no need for any apology, but at the same time, I am sad to hear things turned out differently for you and you haven't got over things with me yet, please keep going with this therapy and I hope you get yourself together one day, I wish you well and hope one day you'll be able to let this go.

Then block

I really wouldn't say this. It just screams that you care hugely what he thinks.

Just don't respond at all. What exactly do you need to say anyway?

Cimone · 08/11/2023 20:27

FIrst of all you broke the cardinal rule of BLOCK ALL EXES. You left the door wide open for such foolishness to happen then you want to write to ask other people about his stupidity? Girl if you don't block this fool right now and all your other exes too. They should not be able to mistreat you then come back for Round 2 cause you failed to protect yourself from their idiocy.

So see, he would have gotten that "your message was undelivered" reply and known you not only didn't get his chump message but have him blocked. Instead he got the satisfaction of knowing you not only saw it, but read and and got all in your feelings about it!!!

Since he knows that send him back an email before blocking him that says "awww, still trying to get my attention, huh? It's so cute how you think I would care. LOL just in case you aren't clear I don't care about what you do, who you do it with, and I especially DGAF about YOU. I'm blocking you now like I should have done before."

Petallove · 08/11/2023 21:56

My reply would have been and you think I didn’t know! 😂 Always go above! Then block him. It’s not an apology it’s offloading.

Seenandheard · 28/04/2024 17:27

Ok, so about a month after original message I decided to send a reply..because I knew a silence could be misinterpreted. And I couldn't leave certain things unsaid.

And, because so may people replied and invested in this, I will show the reply.

Please, no "you shouldn't have replied messages". Not helpful and I'm not looking for validation.

I'm pleased with my response, I felt empowered at the time and a definite sense of closure. So, for anyone who us interested, (and genuinely, thank you for your input) here it is:

I debated whether to answer this. You really don't deserve my time.

But ultimately, I have decided that the worst thing is for you to misinterpret my silence and believe that interaction was a positive move from you.

So here is my response:

First and foremost, I cannot emphasise how little I care for the actual content of your confession.

I am, however, reminded of your staggering selfishness. To dig this one event out of the past and thrust it in my face as an act of self - absolution is astounding. This is not something we discussed at the time, not something I was suspicious of. So to suddenly email me about it is..... bizarre.

You appear to be in an "organisation" that is purposefully directing you to cause harm. Not to me but possibly to others. Who knows what your other out of the blue "confessions" are. But in doing this, you are acting in an entirely self-serving way that is disingenuous and - to a vulnerable person - dangerous. What good is this to the person on the receiving end? Or do you simply not care?

If this is not the intent of the organisation then you are entirely misunderstanding the task. In which case, more fool you.

What strikes me is what a tick-box exercise you have treated this as.
A bizarre, empty non-apology for this one, conveniently neat non-event, and yet no mention of the HUNDREDS of ways you actually acted "out of integrity" during our relationship.

I can only surmise that you are scrabbling around trying to find meaning in your life. In the USA, I assume, from the pretentious grammer (OUT of integrity?) and bizarre navel-gazing mentality. I hope you didnt waste too much money on this "course".

Forty four years of age and you still appear to be searching for meaning and some form of absolution. Actually, scratch that last part...you have granted yourself absolution now, haven't you?

On my side, I have a home, husband, career, friends and two beautiful children. I am content. Your email simply served as a reminder as to the stark contrast between our lives.

And so, at the end of it all, it is a pity that the last communication between us was this. I had held some pleasant memories of our time together. Occasionally remembering something we did or hearing an old familiar song on the radio. Now..this email and its ridiculous intent will be my last memory of you.

Know this: I'm not angry with you. I'm not upset or triggered by your confession. I am simply reminded of what a lucky escape I had.

Do not contact me again.

Then I blocked him.

Done!

OP posts:
TheresaOfAvila · 28/04/2024 17:42

Great reply! Well done you.

nameohnameohname · 28/04/2024 17:49

Boom!

Kimten · 28/04/2024 17:51

That'll do nicely.
What a wanker.

PrinnyPree · 28/04/2024 18:23

That was incredibly satisfying to read! Well done OP! I couldn't imagine a better reply!! Nice block as well. Lol.

Noshowlomo · 28/04/2024 18:42

Incredible

Swoonworthy · 28/04/2024 18:43

You’ve shown him that you have been thinking about him and that his message bothered you, by saying that you’ve debated whether to reply and then replying.

It all seems very dramatic for something that happened long ago and for someone that is apparently not bothered and happy now. He’ll probably be taking it as a son that he got your attention, twice, because he sounds like a nob.

Swoonworthy · 28/04/2024 18:44

win not son

greengreyblue · 28/04/2024 18:45

It’s all about him. He feels better. He has no idea how you might feel. Luckily you didn’t care and are now happy but what if you were not? I’d ignore and let him agonise.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/04/2024 18:45

I know I said not to respond but having seen that, I withdraw...he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of thinking that he's in complete control of absolution and how everyone ought to feel about his intrusiveness and presumption. I don't think he's clever or astute enough to understand what you're saying, but at the very least he knows that you don't agree with his self image and you haven't been manipulated as he wanted. Fucking knob.

Ofcourseshecan · 28/04/2024 18:48

easilydistracted1 · 07/11/2023 22:52

Could you grade him then provide critical feedback? D- 'Whilst you appeared to understand the overall assignment, you forgot to use any skills in empathy. You also missed that acting with integrity required proper consequences of your actions. In order to improve your grade in the future I recommend that you first gain consent for the conversation beginning and ending.'

Yes!

Ofcourseshecan · 28/04/2024 18:54

Great reply, OP. And would probably be more useful to him than any of the bullshit he’s learning in this cult course — only he’s too far up his own arse to realise.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 28/04/2024 18:54

That was a proper mic drop reply OP

Nicely done 👍

Mydahliasareshit · 28/04/2024 19:04

Sounds like Landmark Forum or something like it.
Awful, awful stuff.

roastedrapidly · 28/04/2024 19:04

I think my reply would've been:

How strange to hear from you after all this time, it amused me because I hadn't thought about you for years. You caused me alot of hurt all those years ago, and it seems like your email was designed to do the same again by informing me of a betrayal I was blissfully unaware of, how self absorbed of you, fortunately I just don't care either way. All the best with your future, hopefully I won't hear from you again.

TedTheCat · 28/04/2024 19:05

Definitely don’t reply. It says so much more to just ignore people like this.