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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

297 replies

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:34

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

OP posts:
MsFogi · 07/11/2023 22:55

I'd be inclined to 'confess' that you always found his sexual performance less than satisfactory and his penis 'unusual at best'.

BigTedLittleTedCardboardBox · 07/11/2023 22:55

"Well, this is weird. Are you sure you're not in a cult? Toodles." then block. Or just never reply, which is what I did in a similar situation as I knew it would bother him the most 😆

HardcoreLadyType · 07/11/2023 22:56

Is this part of a 12 step programme?

You are supposed to apologise for people you hurt when in thrall to your addiction.

It may well help the addict, but it’s really unfair on you to be used as a tool in his therapy programme.

Original poster
Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:56

I should add that my husband was aware of initial email and said it was up to me what I did, as long as it was beneficial/ not detrimental to me. Now he is out of the country so I'll wait to talk with him in person

OP posts:
Original poster
Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:58

For those who question whether work/12step or cult.... this is what he said

I am in training with a group of leaders who have made a commitment to living and leading with 100% integrity. Inside this commitment, all areas from the past where we’ve been dishonest, withheld information, or have been out of integrity, are to be cleared and resolved, in communication with those with whom we were out of integrity, via calls where possible

OP posts:
Mumeries · 07/11/2023 22:59

He’s doing this for himself not you
delete it and try to forget about it

TeenLifeMum · 07/11/2023 23:00

I’d send a load of laughing emojis with the comment “let’s add it to the long list of shitty behaviour from you during our relationship. I learned a long time ago that you’re not a very nice person so it’s great to hear you’ve reached the same conclusion. Good luck with being less of a dick in the future.”

Eyesopenwideawake · 07/11/2023 23:01

absolute silence is perfect but if you really need to reply - jolly good, cheerio now.

Lampan · 07/11/2023 23:02

Ignore,
Or
thumbs up emoji, then ignore any further communication

beenwhereyouare · 07/11/2023 23:02

I think it's reckless of those kind of programs to tell you to seek forgiveness like this. It's something not everyone would want to hear after so long. Why hurt you with this? It may give the confessor closure, but it could really hurt or cause problems for the sinned against. This was all about him.

beenwhereyouare · 07/11/2023 23:02

I think it's reckless of those kind of programs to tell you to seek forgiveness like this. It's something not everyone would want to hear after so long. Why hurt you with this? It may give the confessor closure, but it could really hurt or cause problems for the sinned against. This was all about him.

Codlingmoths · 07/11/2023 23:03

‘Hahaaa Dh (or a bestie he never liked) and I have had a good laugh so thanks for that. I hope you didn’t pay for this training if you think that email gives you integrity 😁’

Whichwhatnow · 07/11/2023 23:04

This is why I deeply dislike the whole AA/NA 12 steps thing, where people have to write to those they've wronged and apologise. It's happened to a couple of friends of mine with abusive exes and all it did was dredge up the past in a really self serving way, one of them had only just got her life back on track and receiving that letter sent her spiralling.

I really do think it is solely for the benefit of the person writing the letter and is massively misjudged and selfish. Maybe some people would want an apology but I can't think of anything worse than an unsolicited email from my deeply abusive ex popping up in my inbox!

Ellie56 · 07/11/2023 23:04

I'd reply, "Ha ha! Did she think you were a complete dead loss in bed too?"
Grin Grin

What a twat he is. You are well shot of him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/11/2023 23:05

I think you shouldn't reply at all, because that will hurt him best, but there are so many things that you could say!

Hibiscrubbed · 07/11/2023 23:05

“Who dis?”

minipie · 07/11/2023 23:05

I’d be inclined to say something like

No, you cannot consider this “cleared and resolved”.
You’ve told me this selfishly for your own benefit, not mine.
Twat. You’ve been blocked.

LadyWiddiothethird · 07/11/2023 23:05

I have been a member of AA for over 20years,this message is definitely NOTHING to do with AA!!

Bizarre the ideas people have about us,laughable.

Mummymummy89 · 07/11/2023 23:06

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:58

For those who question whether work/12step or cult.... this is what he said

I am in training with a group of leaders who have made a commitment to living and leading with 100% integrity. Inside this commitment, all areas from the past where we’ve been dishonest, withheld information, or have been out of integrity, are to be cleared and resolved, in communication with those with whom we were out of integrity, via calls where possible

I know you are understandably furious op, but this right here is hilarious. Schadenfreude gold.

You've moved on, have a lovely dh and a lovely life.

Your ex on the other hand is desperately scrabbling around to fix his life and has actually paid actual money for this mumbo jumbo.

TheDogsMother · 07/11/2023 23:07

It would be 'Seriously, whatever !' From me.

OhNoForever · 07/11/2023 23:07

"right-oh, good luck with all your other apologies"

LoneFemaleTraveller · 07/11/2023 23:07

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 07/11/2023 22:45

It’s just another creepy hurtful way of treating you, isn’t it?
If he really felt remorse, he wouldn’t have bothered you and would have directed his remorse into being a better man for the people in his life now.

this. Whatever programme he is on, it wont work because he is still lying to himself.

he could have apologised for all the shitty things he did that caused you upset at the time. Instead he caused you fresh upset. Or tried to.

BarbDwyerHair · 07/11/2023 23:09

Should have replied 'sorry, who is this? Your name rings a bell but I can't place you for the life of me.'

xanadu123 · 07/11/2023 23:10

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:51

Bizarre, right? It's so strange. Almost like he got his homework and thought "oh, I know a great one! A neat little confession and apology. Tick. Now I am a person with integrity". Either he misinterpreted the task or his course is fucking stupid.

The reason I don't want to reply is because I fear his course leaders will/ have said that there will be anger and hurt from all the people he contacts, and that's ok as it is part of the process. Whereas if I go with total radio silence, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. And that will eat at him slowly, I just know him.

But venting here feels sooooooooo good

This! Don't reply at all. He obviously gets off on upsetting people and facing their anger (it wasn't an apology but an excuse to get the last word seeing how well you moved on) and what will kill him is apathy. Attention seeking twat.

Meadowfly · 07/11/2023 23:11

“What an unusual training programme, it’s rare that self improvement involves actively seeking out people to send unpleasant messages to. In order for you to consider the matter resolved you will need to donate £100 to xx charity.”