My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

Oh those stupid cultish programmes are so annoying - it might be the Landmark forum.
A friend got a call out of the blue from an aquaintance asking why friend hadn't invited her to her wedding 5 years previously! we think she may have been doing some crazy American programme, its all very well confessing stuff and confronting things you want answers to from the past, but it calling my friend about her wedding, and OPs ex confessing to cheating didn't help or solve anything at all. I think it rarely does in these circumstances.

‘Sorry to hear about your struggles. Such a shame 🥲 All the best mate!’

and then BLOCK

I thought it might be the landmark forum too.

"Hahaha, that's honestly hilarious. You've missed the mark spectacularly but nice effort. Maybe you'd better work on the boundaries of the people you've hurt before sending such a curt excuse, and using your male privilege to "consider the matter closed" without actually doing the work to understand what you were apologising for in the first place.
I did not invite your contact. Nor does it seem you've worked on yourself in the meantime. Good luck with the closure you assume you have by sending that message. Doesn't quite work that way, but by all means carry on and do not contact me again."
Have your say, you bloody deserve to, then block the number before he can respond. He can sit and look at your verbal evisceration of him, well deserved, but can't do a thing about it.
It's hilarious when these dickheads suddenly feel all godly yet it's STILL on their terms. In this format though it's the best scenario to have your say and then get rid. In this way he gave you the upper hand, not that he'll realise it

Oh, do this! Please do this!

(Yes, I can be a petty bitch).

Just to reiterate what previous posters have said, twelve step programmes are very, very, very clear that you do not contact people to make amends if you might hurt them again by doing so.

Delete the email and put the address on your blocked senders list.

You could try something along the lines of:

”You haven’t changed AT ALL. Still a self-centered prick with no consideration for anyone else. You apology is insincere and not accepted. Don’t contact me again.”

I would write this
Dear ex thanks for letting me know. If honesty is so important I think you should know twice I drank milk directly out of the carton at your house. I once accidentally dropped your toothbrush on the floor next to the toilet. It was me that lost the tv remote that time you spent all day looking for it. I had a three way with your dad and best friend a week after we broke up. I hope this gives you closure.
love op.

Ooh that annoying. It sounds like there were multiple things he could have said that he did wrong during the relationship, and take responsibility for- and yet he throws in an infidelity after the relationship was basically dead. I would want to send one back saying that's not the worse thing you did- but I'd fume and delete it instead.

Idk about not answering. I expect he’s also been told no response is fine. You could critique the SPAG Mumsnet style and give a 1/10 for effort. The response I like best is to pretend you didn’t get the message then block.

My very first reaction to reading your initial post, OP, was "Landmark" and I'm not even in your country.
About 15 years ago my brother did an expensive LM course in wankery when he needed help with his business. We were in regular face-to face contact with a nice relationship, but we never ever ever spoke on the phone (we dropped in on each other). The phonecall one evening was bizzare and all about how he could have been a better big brother in the 1950s and 1960s, and how he really should have allowed me to bring my boyfriend to his wedding 30 years earlier. Weird.
When we discussed his call, and the course, he said it was outrageously expensive and totally useless, but once he'd signed up and paid, he felt committed (sunk cost fallacy) and ticked the boxes by making several apologetic and embarrassing phonecalls.
I've been loving the humour in posters' suggested responses and would definitely resort to one of them. But you know the A/H best and if he will flummoxed by radio silence, go with that.

I remember in my step 9 of the 12 step programme I had to contact some of my exes and those who I have hurt, step 9 is where you make direct amends to those who you had harmed.

I was a class A addict from the age of 13 to around 29 so that's a lot of wrongs to make right, some just blocked me, some abused me and a few were happy that I had finally changed my life. It's a shock out of the blue I get that he might be trying to understand his behaviour it's hard to say, but he needs to respect your feelings and how you feel about him contacting you after so long

I knew it would be some course or therapy thing.

Just reply and tell him that he's done totally the wrong thing to tell you and that he needs to look again at what he thinks leadership is!

What a load of horseshit. Even 12 step programs say not to do this where it would cause harm.

I’d tell him to ask for his money back. “Leaders” don’t build themselves up this way. Isn’t it funny to think of a bunch of men in a room just following stupid instructions without thought so that they can feel like “leaders”. That entire message sounds like it was copied and pasted.

I think this pushes my buttons because I once had an ex apologize to me in a way that was all about him and not me. I just ignored him but when I think of it it still grinds my gears a bit.

Yes please do this😁

It wasn't an apology, it was simply an offload of guilt. Fuck this guy.

Your life now is great, that problematic wanker is out of it and as much as you had him try and close the past, to email you with no remote connection to you for years means his guilt has been haunting him on some level. Your actions to get away from him brought you peace when his actions towards you have brought him inner struggles. Even if it seems disingenuous, the fact after all these years you're still in his mind means he's created some level of chaos inside with his guilt. It's very hard to fuck over someone you're in love with and not have consequences for a dirty conscience, no matter how awful you are.

He sounds a total fuck up who's life sounds like it's horrible. Your life sounds amazing. Your life won't alter from this email and neither will his.

You owe him nothing, no forgiveness, no peace. But you owe yourself to look after your mental wellbeing in this situation.

You don't need a witty retort, a cutting response or an understanding reply, just thank yourself for your courage to get away from him, thank yourself for having the courage and strength to rebuild your life and thank yourself for ensuring the only part of your future he's had anything to do with is this one pathetic email.

I'd personally and this may be me, as hard as it can be to not want the last word, I'd just not reply going forward now. I'd not want to genuinely help him find peace nor would I wish him harm, neither would be relevant to me or my future and he wouldn't deserve me worrying about my own response in time to come when I'd have thought about it without shock.
Was I too nice/was I too cruel etc, I wouldn't want that responsibility so I'd ignore.

Good luck ♥️

That's one of the most selfish actions I've ever heard of, OP! I really don't get these 'self-help programmes that encourage the participant to dump all their shit on unsuspecting people in their lives! In your case, you're lucky that the news of his cheating doesn't affect you emotionally, it's just really pissed you off that someone has done this to you. I'd be absolutely rageful if a long-forgotten, dickhead ex did this to me! Why should he get to use you to ease his own conscience??

"I cheated on you too :)"

@SueblueNZ I'm not from UK and judging by your username, I'm in the same country as you . Yeah it was around 15 years ago one of my crazy co workers was trying to get us all to sign up for Landmark Forum, and to pay $1000 deposit! (luckily HR dealt with her sharpish)
There was a big feature in newspaper about it I think about 10 years ago and it just seemed so intense - 3 full days (F, Sat, Sun) then Monday night and as part of it you had to contact people from your past . . . . madness!

I’d be soooo tempted to reply saying “well while you’re apologising, why stop at that one minor issue in the long list of wrongs you did me, please see attached (4 page list of wrongdoings) for your reflection, I await your further apologies and suggestions for making amends as I do not personally consider the matter closed” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes this. That would surely irritate him and he’ll think he never got to unload his confession.

He's an attention hound looking for an audience.
I'd give all that a damn good ignoring.

I would have replied who is this then block

Yep, Landmark.

I had an old friend contact me about her lack of support. The whole thing was weird, she cried...

She kind of acted like she'd abandoned me and I had no friends. I moved across the country to where she lives.

I have made amazing friends here and have a wonderful community. It honestly was a bizarrely smug "apology."

Then she tried to get me to join.

We still don't really talk. She reaches out now and then says let's meet up and then a year or two goes by

On the one hand it is very selfish to impose this onto you, so that is not good.

One the other, at least he has recognised how he treated you was not with integrity. This means he has had to reflect on the episode at least to some extent.

I think I would send some reply about him, not me. I would send something like 'I acknowledge your email which explains you are reflecting on yourself and I hope you find peace'. That is quite bland and patronising.

Then I would block.