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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

297 replies

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:34

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

OP posts:
TommyNever · 08/11/2023 04:07

I'd probably just send him this:

LOL, thanks for the laugh 😆

Mothership4two · 08/11/2023 04:08

I would be tempted to reply something along the lines of.. I was surprized to hear from you after all this time, but, yes I agree your behavour during our time together was appalling, however it taught me to never again have such low standards and I now have a wonderful husband and an amazing life with him. I can honestly say that our past relationship is completely irrelevant to me and I never think about it or you. It sounds as though you have now realised your need to work on yourself so that one day you will (hopefully) become a decent enough human being.

Then block

Lm1981 · 08/11/2023 04:45

as others have said it sounds like an AA meeting. By him raking up past and his confession it’s all about him and shows he hasn’t really put your feelings at the front. Silence is prob best course of action, sounds like you’re doing better than he is.

StopLickingTheDog · 08/11/2023 04:57

"Sorry, who is this?"

😆

RosesAndHellebores · 08/11/2023 05:03

Oh, no worries, hopefully she got something out of it. I'm blocking you now.

WildFlowerBees · 08/11/2023 05:06

I wouldn't reply, delete and give it no more thought. People don't always need a reply.

Topee · 08/11/2023 05:34

I don’t know what course you’re on but ask for a refund would be my reply.

Lampzade · 08/11/2023 05:38

I wouldn’t even reply.
That would piss him off

Acornsoup · 08/11/2023 05:45

This man wants to ease his conscious, it's not about you and you don't owe him anything. Although you could give him some proper feedback about his behavioural and question his leadership qualities lol.

I personally would print the email and then have a ceremonial burning - symbolic and cleansing for you. Take the time to get rid of any other mementos if you have any. Then delete and block.

Holly60 · 08/11/2023 05:49

I think I'd reply 'no worries mate 👍'

Newnamehiwhodis · 08/11/2023 05:49

Oh god - an ex of mine had done the landmark forum. Talk about sanctimonious, ego-feeding, wallowing in dramatics and overblown cross examinations of one’s own navel.

ex is a narcissist - he slurped it all up joyfully, and then tried to constantly school others with it.

it’s so massively cringe-inducing.

your instincts are correct - your first response was all that’s needed; you’ve already said you don’t need to take up the past. Silence and indifference will absolutely flatten his puffed up little ego.

oh god I hate shit like this with an absolute passion.

they’re supposed to get others to do it- so he’s trying to hook you into a conversation (even an argument), and then sell you this fucking landmark bullshit.

don’t bite!

CopperLion · 08/11/2023 05:50

Ugh, what a knob. I know nothing about AA but do work in leadership development and sadly think there are plenty of wacky courses out there (especially in the US) where this kind of crap could be touted.

silence is the right response. Anything else sucks you back into an unhealthy dynamic and feeds his ego. Good for you for having too much self respect (and respect for your own family) to engage with this rubbish.

Holly60 · 08/11/2023 05:54

Oooor...

'Gosh you are so brave confessing. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to do the same for you. I'm glad I now have your email address. One day you might get an email back from me. All the best and I will just say, I'm sorry......'

Newestname002 · 08/11/2023 05:55

WildFlowerBees · 08/11/2023 05:06

I wouldn't reply, delete and give it no more thought. People don't always need a reply.

Yes to this. Don't let anything about him take up any of your energy. You've moved on and have a very good life - put your energies into what you have now. 🌹

Speedweed · 08/11/2023 05:58

Yes, don't reply - you'll be drawn straight back into his web. Delete and block.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 08/11/2023 06:03

He is still using you. His personality hasn't changed in the slightest in the intervening years.

Coolhwip · 08/11/2023 06:04

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:58

For those who question whether work/12step or cult.... this is what he said

I am in training with a group of leaders who have made a commitment to living and leading with 100% integrity. Inside this commitment, all areas from the past where we’ve been dishonest, withheld information, or have been out of integrity, are to be cleared and resolved, in communication with those with whom we were out of integrity, via calls where possible

I know silence is golden but I’d have to reply.

I would say ‘you were an abusive druggie with a gambling addiction, you shagging someone else was the least of your sins. I’m just glad I’m not with a jumped up little shit anymore and have an incredible family now. Do not contact me anymore, tell your cult I absolve you of fuck all’.

He’s made you angry, get closure for yourself, fuck his feelings.

Aubree17 · 08/11/2023 06:05

The best answer is no answer.

But if I was going to reply I'd definitely take the higher ground.

"Don't worry it's all water under the bridge. I'm married now and enjoying life. Hope you are too"

Clearly he's not in a good place so the breezy reply may be a bit of a kick for him.

I agree with the poster who said he's getting in touch out of curiosity and probably not some therapy programme!!

Aubree17 · 08/11/2023 06:08

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:58

For those who question whether work/12step or cult.... this is what he said

I am in training with a group of leaders who have made a commitment to living and leading with 100% integrity. Inside this commitment, all areas from the past where we’ve been dishonest, withheld information, or have been out of integrity, are to be cleared and resolved, in communication with those with whom we were out of integrity, via calls where possible

This is absolutely batshit 😂

Sparklfairy · 08/11/2023 06:09

Well the joke's on him because it's not 'acting with integrity' to try and throw a grenade into an ex's life with revelations they didn't know, rather than make apologies for the stuff they did know.

The 'I now consider the matter closed' bollocks would have enraged me. Surely the 'integrity' comes from understanding this 'news' might be upsetting and you would finish with 'I understand this might dredge up a lot of feelings and questions, and I have contacted you selfishly for my own self-development. So if you want me to answer any questions for your own closure, my inbox is always open' or some wanky shit like that.

But no. It's, 'Here, have some news that'll probably upset you, or past you, on some level. But no. The matter is closed now so shut the fuck up crying to me about it.'

Fucking creep.

ChipButtiesRule · 08/11/2023 06:10

Personally I'd just delete it. Or reply with 'thanks, all the best' and delete it.

Anything else is giving him head space when you now have a wonderful life you could just get straight on with living.

Dotty87 · 08/11/2023 06:13

I would have to reply, and probably go with something like "Sorry to hear it's taken you 14 years to move on, however I did that a long time ago and life is great. I do hope you get yours together eventually."

TacCat49 · 08/11/2023 06:14

I would have replied "who is this? How do i know you?" Lol. Im sure these comments would have knocked the wind out of his sails.
And imagine when he had to give his group presentation. Won't he look like a prat.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 08/11/2023 06:16

I think if you’re that bothered by it there no harm in replying and exerting your boundaries.

’I realise that this is something you are expected to do for your course, however if you are going to enter into this fully you probably ought to actually apologise for all the other stuff you did (give examples). However I won’t be opening any further emails from you because I’m happily married and all this is in the past. I would however, suggest that you reflect on why you are contacting someone that you haven’t spoken to for years to own up to something just because you’ve been told to. As I say, I’m married and this holds no interest for me at all, but someone else could have been very badly affected by this. If you are truly acting with integrity, I would suggest that you could start by thinking about them first rather than risk upsetting someone for your own ego / ends.’

BottleShipDown · 08/11/2023 06:17

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 07/11/2023 22:45

It’s just another creepy hurtful way of treating you, isn’t it?
If he really felt remorse, he wouldn’t have bothered you and would have directed his remorse into being a better man for the people in his life now.

HRTFT - this is what I think.

He’s now going to turn into acMr Sensitive abuser where he spouts psycho babble and is ‘in touch with his feelings’ but will still ride roughshod over everyone else’s.

I am irrationally angry over this for you OP.