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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

297 replies

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:34

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 07/11/2023 23:11

Love the church idea!

laclochette · 07/11/2023 23:13

This is incredibly selfish behaviour. He's using you to achieve some goal that he's been set on a course - serving his own ambitions and conscience, at the expense of your contentedness??? Utterly outrageous. You are not an emotional firing range. Just be glad you are rid of him, and sail on with your happiness. I'm sorry, what a twat.

Jl2014 · 07/11/2023 23:13

He’s an absolute screwball. And his course is just a group of asshole men giving other men an easy way out. He isn’t actually acting with integrity. I agree with you in terms of the silence. It’s hard but it will piss him off more long term, which would ultimately be my goal after such a ridiculous correspondence 😆

Lindy2 · 07/11/2023 23:13

Well he's very full of his own importance isn't he.

I'd be tempted to reply with "sorry, remind me who you are. I can't place the name."

Then carry on with your nice life.

MarieKlepto · 07/11/2023 23:16

Ignore. These people are looking for absolution for their dreadful behaviour in the past via a word salad explanation for it. Just blank/block him, it's not your job to make him feel better for his behaviour towards you.

MissingMoominMamma · 07/11/2023 23:17

TeenLifeMum · 07/11/2023 23:00

I’d send a load of laughing emojis with the comment “let’s add it to the long list of shitty behaviour from you during our relationship. I learned a long time ago that you’re not a very nice person so it’s great to hear you’ve reached the same conclusion. Good luck with being less of a dick in the future.”

I like this response!

DirectionToPerfection · 07/11/2023 23:17

Oh God what an absolute tosser.

Go with your gut OP, you know radio silence will drive him mad so give him exactly that.

Bruisername · 07/11/2023 23:18

Is this the landmark trust?

my friend did this and ended up causing a lot of hurt by dredging up long forgotten and often incredibly petty gripes. I wondered at the time if they do it to isolate you from your friends and family

its very unhealthy thing to encourage someone to do without considering the other person

SausageinaBun · 07/11/2023 23:20

What self-indulgent drivel.

I like @TeenLifeMum's reply.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/11/2023 23:21

The best answer is no answer.

I suspect he’s in some sort of rehab programme. I know at AA one of the steps is this apologetic nonsense. But you don’t owe him forgiveness, absolution, or even 2 minutes of your time to make him feel better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2023 23:21

His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

My reply would be, "as long as you feel better. That really is the important thing."

But then I'm petty AF.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2023 23:22

BitOutOfPractice · 07/11/2023 23:21

The best answer is no answer.

I suspect he’s in some sort of rehab programme. I know at AA one of the steps is this apologetic nonsense. But you don’t owe him forgiveness, absolution, or even 2 minutes of your time to make him feel better.

I have replied 'what step is this again?' to someone!

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 07/11/2023 23:23

Send him a link to Travis Tritt's 'Here's a quarter. Phone someone who cares'

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2023 23:24

And BTW AA specifically say that if your amends are for you, or will cause more hurt, you don't do it. It's very clear.

DragonScreeches · 07/11/2023 23:25

BitOutOfPractice · 07/11/2023 23:21

The best answer is no answer.

I suspect he’s in some sort of rehab programme. I know at AA one of the steps is this apologetic nonsense. But you don’t owe him forgiveness, absolution, or even 2 minutes of your time to make him feel better.

This. I would ignore and block.

cloverpots · 07/11/2023 23:26

I would not reply, in this situation silence is your friend!

SeaToSki · 07/11/2023 23:28

Well if he is going to act with 100% integrity he also has to take 100% responsibility for all of his experiences…you could write back and ask him if

he has been curious about how he created the wreck that your relationship ended up as

and if he is interested in openly listening with the intention of genuinely understanding your experience of the wreck of your relationship

and how he is going to clean up his broken agreement with you (from back then)

… I might be quoting from one of the US leadership programs 🤣.

Clearly you do not need to listen to anything he has to say, but it might be fun to mess with him a little!

MrsAvocet · 07/11/2023 23:29

Ignore him, forget it and don't give him any more headspace.
It doesn't sound like re engaging with him at any level is going to benefit you so don't let him have any more of your time or energy.

Maddy70 · 07/11/2023 23:32

Block

Original poster
Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 23:32

Thanks all, really had been cathartic and helpful to read all your responses. I feel like I have a group of sane, reasonable people behind me which means a lot. I told one friend IRL but it was such a long time ago, many people in my life don't know of him.

I drafted a reply for my own sanity but I have NO intention of sending. I will follow my own rule of "keep your gun powder dry" for now (and hopefully ever more).

OP posts:
Advicerequest · 07/11/2023 23:35

The architect doing up my house who oayronised me, caused me stress and cost me tens of thousands went on one of these courses. After being gaslit for months he called me up one day and started apologising for behaving badly and bad mouthing me to his colleagues and explains it eas because of this course. The rage I felt when he hung up. All he'd done was Co firm that he was a wanker. I wanted to rip his head off. What made it worse was that his behaviour didn't even change. He confessed on went on being an up his own arse wanker.

Pocodaku · 07/11/2023 23:37

This sounds like the Landmark Forum or a similar Large Training Group. They use dubious methods, shall I say. There’s an extensive and accurate Wiki entry about it if you’re interested. This is one of the things they ‘coach’ you to do. if I’d be inclined to ignore and block your ex.

MyAnacondaMight · 07/11/2023 23:44

I bet he’s on a Landmark Forum.

PrinnyPree · 07/11/2023 23:44

Haha what a loser yeah just block, he's after a reaction, any reaction will satisfy him, no reaction will frustrate him as he'll be waiting for something.

Ignoring him is power. Living your wonderful life whilst he's no doubt spaffing £10k+ on some self help grifter bullshit to get his miserable life straight only to be denied closure is the best response. 😅

marvelousmarmite · 07/11/2023 23:44

OK here's what you do.

Wait about a month. Say nothing. Then, reply to his FIRST email (the one where he put out 'feelers') like this:

Hi X

I must say I'm pretty unimpressed that after sending me this email you have left this hanging and haven't seen fit to contact me with whatever it was that you wanted to say. You've obviously changed your mind, which is fine, but I really don't like game playing. I'm blocking you now so anything further you send will not be delivered.

Regards,
X

TAKE AWAY HIS CONFESSION FROM HIM. It obviously means a lot to him to get this off his chest in a bullshit, self-serving, narcissistic way so snatch it out from under him.