My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

I'd be soo tempted to reply:

"Bloody hell Mike!!!! The past is long forgiven, I know you were battling many demons back then. This email on the other hand is far less easily overlooked... you sound like a right sanctimonious knobhead and very bossy to boot TELLING me the matter is closed! 😂Hope you are ok and haven't been sucked into something questionable (because it really sounds like you have)."

But you're probably right in not replying.

Or maybe just go with “are you okay hun?”

This is the only acceptable response!!

I would totally ignore that self centred asshole.

This is perfect.

What he is doing is supremely selfish and there is no way he should be able to come away from it feeling like he has 'done the right thing' by dredging all of this up for you. A charity donation of your choice is a great way to get something good out of it and for you to take back control.

Definitely don’t reply.

i love the part where he can consider the matter “closed” - what an arrogant twerp. The apology is clearly to benefit him, so it’s not really even an apology. And how can he possibly consider the matter closed when he hasn’t even heard a response from you?!

if he contacts you again, I’d just reply “Please do not contact me again”

Hi ex

Well I'm not sure how much you've had to pay this bunch of clowns for advice but they seem to have seen you coming.

Anyway, we all knew back then you were a cunt so no need to confirm it all these years later!

I had sort of similar ages ago when an ex rang me a couple of years after we'd split up to give me an obviously well rehearsed speech about how sorry he was for how badly he had treated me. I cut him off mid-monologue, told him I didn't accept his apology, I wasn't going to help him feel better about what happened and hung up. Tosser.

In your shoes I would reply with the first reply to your post - "I don't care". Take away his power.

Just send him a 👍🏼

I too thought of AA making amends commandment or My name is Al series where Al makes a list of those hed hurt and contacts them to put it right.

I love this one!

I would literally do this

radio silence is the correct response.

Although "I think you may have the wrong Seenandheard as I can't remember you" would be good too.

Can you ask him for money? Tell him a few hundred will heal your soul quicker.

12 step programs ask you to make amends to people you have harmed, it sounds like he might be trying to do that!

This is definitely the 12-step programme, not a work thing. I've had 2 exes contact me as part of the 12-step (because I picked the really great men in my youth!), I ignored and rolled my eyes. This part of the 12-step really annoys me - it might make the addict feel better, but it can be very triggering to receive unsolicited contact from an ex, especially one with addiction issues which often go hand-in-hand with abusive behaviours. It took a lot for me to extricate myself from these relationships and them "reaching out" to absolve themselves was not what I needed.

He's clearly a massive cock, and nothing you do or say will change that. He sounds secretly rather easily led, and rather vulnerable to being roped into this kind of dubious bullshit. I bet deep down he doesn't like himself at all. Shake your head, laugh, DO NOT REPLY and move on.

I fully agree with you

As tempting as it is to reply, and there has been some brilliant funny suggestions, there is nothing better than the Power of Silence..

Silence is your best weapon.
He is expecting you to reply, he gets off on any reply you give him.

He can go to his programme/cult leaders and say
"Look, I tried to ask for forgiveness and this is the response Seenandheard has said back to me"
Then his leader will say
"Awww, well look, you are the better person, at least you tried. Seenandheard clearly is a bitter person"
Blah, blah, blah

Don't reply
Take your revenge by not feeding his ego.
He will be furious.

You are absolutely right to completely ignore him. What an arrogant, narcissistic toe rag! He’s telling you the leadership bullshit to sound really important, and he’s telling you what he did to see if you bite. Because if you do, in his head, he still has some power over you, you still care enough for him to be able to hurt you. He won’t see that you’re just incredulous at his arrogance! The matter is defo not closed as he says it is. Ignore, ignore, ignore. It will drive him mad and you can have a good giggle at that x

Thats crap. I agree with others it's to make him feel better rather than him actually holding himself accountable for his actions. "I consider this matter closed" when you didn't know it was still open"

Silence is the best answer but not nearly as satisfying as saying as above "I am sorry I am getting you confused... where you the guy with the dolphin tattoo or the West Ham one"

His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I think I'd have to respond with

"I can see that now, as then, you have failed to understand the assignment."

I truly would respond with something like that.😂

Take the wind out of his selfish message.

‘Wow, Mike, is this because of the thing with your dad / his best friend / movie star? It was 20 years ago now, let it go’

Agree..places should stop having people actually send letters, emails, etc.
Write the letter and burn it. Tell a therapist.

It's selfish.

Your instincts are right. Leave it alone or run for the hills. It's one thing being in bad relationship once - But it's entirely on you, if you can't leave all your bad mistakes behind and feel a need to re-engage. Your last mistake was replying (really?) because you placed yourself in a point-scoring situation. Just don't read any emails for a month and then focus on Christmas, new year, and new year resolutions not to go back to your former idiot self. Any/every reply you make, makes him feel important. Surely you have better things to do than prop up the ego of an ex? But people always do what they want to do. People like attention. You reply again - and you'll be on a back foot of justifying your current "happiness", if it exists. Have you told your husband about it? I suspect not.