His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry.

I didn’t even attempt reconciliation with mine after his affair but if we had, any contact whatsoever with his affair partner would have been instant grounds for divorce.

He said he really missed her

I think you have a very clear answer right there.
I’m really sorry

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ExDH had a long affair and it really sucks. Tried to make it work but he was still lying. If he still misses her after 2 years then you’ve got a real problem on your hands. I personally wouldn’t put up with that.

He's stringing her along.

He likes having his cake AND eating it.

He wants his main course and a side dish.

Etc etc.

Check out Chump Lady, it's all so woefully textbook I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry.

Regardless of the message content, she still takes up a space in his head.

All this counselling and making an effort and doing the right thing etc is just wallpapering over the cracks.

You deserve better.

Could have been an attempt to let her down gently though? Just so annoying I don’t know the context as I can’t see everything that was said beforehand. I feel so stupid.

I am not having a pop but I never understand the 'trying to process so I haven't mentioned it' train of thought. I would be more ' tear him a new arsehole and watch his reaction'.

Your already letting him off and making excuses for him.

The fact that there has been any contact in the first place is bad enough. Never mind missing her. It sounds like you're always going to be looking over your shoulder with him and going to be able to fully trust him.

why do you think he is letting her down gently when he is the one doing the messaging?

Sorry op but you are in huge denial. The message is pretty clear here.

Yeah I get that… although it didn’t look like they were or had been in regular contact from what was said.

I haven’t even checked for so long. I just had a feeling.

Another vote for chumplady - the book, website and Fb group has kept me sane this past year and a half.

Don’t waste your precious life on someone who isn’t sufficiently scared of losing you to stop contacting her.

I don’t know if he messaged first but it didn’t seem like they’d been in regular communication

Let her down gently when he should not have been messaging her at all? Op sorry it's clear.

He is definitely not trying to let her down gently.
Of he was, he would say something like
"Please don't message me again, I have decided to commit to my marriage. I wish you all the best with the future".

Unfortunately, his messages is more he is keeping his options open and keeping OW sweet.
Like ReadySalty said, he is keeping his messages open with her, so if needed he can start again with her.

You're clutching at straws with the ‘maybe he’s letting her down gently, and I think you know that deep down. He’s not going to change.

That message is way too nice.

If he was serious about making his marriage work, he shoudlnt have text her at all. Or at least sent her a firm message saying he is committed to you and is making his marriage work....and told you about it!

This is all wrong. So so sorry op.

That message gives the sense he's keeping her on the back-burner. Sorry OP.

I mean this kindly as I can imagine how hard this is for you. But what is it going to take for you to see the situation as it is?

He's a cheater and he's still in contact with the OW after 2 years?

You get one life and once it's gone, it's gone.

Sorry op but sounds like he is stringing her along possibly to restart affair or if your relationship breaks up. Sounds like he is only there for the kids and not for you or your relationship. He is not letting her down gently, he is telling her to stay on standby.

If he was determined to make it work he would not be in contact at all. She would be blocked.

Why would he still be trying to let her down gently two years after the affair though?

Either he's been letting her down gently for 2 whole years - which sounds to me like he's still invested and likes the idea that he could have her back if he wants, or it's still an emotional affair.

Sorry.

There is no reason for him to contact her.
None whatsoever.
I'm really sorry he's done this to you and your family but you can't trust him. He's making a mug of you- you're always going to be wondering.

Ap@BlushTeddy you said yourself it was one message, more likely to be one he forgot to delete from a long chain of messages…

I don’t think you have any way to say whether they’ve been in regular contact or not from that one message.

However, you do know he is still thinking about her. That he finds it hard etc…
And it was just 2 months ago.

Does it make you think you are actually sorting stuff out and getting back in a trusting, loving relationship?

Oh my gosh if he wanted his marriage to work and really felt genuine remorse for the affair he certainly would not be in contact with this woman at all since. It doesn’t even matter whats in those messages its the contact after two years that would signal divorce for me. Id be done before you waste anymore time. And i bet he will go back to her if you give him the road. Take care of yourself .

I'm so sorry.

Whether he meant it or not, can you ever feel emotionally safe with this man again?