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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:

aloadofbowlocks · 02/11/2023 21:03

Affairs are so easy on MN and so difficult IRL.

The only person who can answer your question, OP, is your husband, and even then he won't necessarily either know or tell the truth.

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, and they are rarely about wanting more sex.

People can also feel more than one thing at once. I had an affair, but if I'd thought it would mean I would only have my children for 50% of the time, I'd have stopped it. I wouldn't have stopped having feelings for my AP, though, and wouldn't have cut off contact unless it was a direct threat to me living with my children 100% of the time. So your husband may well be feeling a whole mixture of things, and they may all well be true.

Only you can decide whether or not you can live with either the uncertainty, or with him telling you a truth which you might not want to hear.

category12 · 02/11/2023 21:03

GodDammitCecil · 02/11/2023 21:03

Why would he be ‘letting her down gently’ nearly two years after the event?

It doesn’t make any sense.

This.

GodDammitCecil · 02/11/2023 21:05

‘Hi, it’s been 20 months since we had any contact, so just in case you didn’t realise I ended things because I got caught I’m ----ending things’….

LaVieestBelleNestCePas · 02/11/2023 21:07

That is the most insightful and composed response I have read on MN in a very long time.

ooooahhh · 02/11/2023 21:07

Oh come on. Stop fooling yourself. You deserve so much better than this rubbish and your son's need much better role modelling. He is with you because he thinks that it's the right thing to do, what do you think this is going to do to you all in the long-term? A year long affair is a huge betrayal. He's not exactly terrified of losing you is he.

vipersnest1 · 02/11/2023 21:09

@BlushTeddy, I suppose it comes down to whether or not you feel you can trust him.
From the outside looking in, and based on your posts, you know what the truth is really, but it feels too big a thing to want to deal with.
I had an experience similar to this, only XH left after I discovered the first affair. Like a fool, I took him back. You can guess what happened next - yes, he had another affair. At this point I sat him down and asked him how he felt about her and me. He was 'in love' with her and 'had feelings for me'. At that point I realised I couldn't make it work on my own and that I was tired of playing second fiddle to another woman. I told him to leave.
Only you can decide if you can live with the doubt you clearly have, sorry.

Epidote · 02/11/2023 21:10

I disagree with @aloadofbowlocks I think the only reason people have affairs is because they feel entitled to deeply disrespect their partners.

LifeExperience · 02/11/2023 21:10

He's either back with her or wants to be, OP. I'm so sorry.

FairyMaclary · 02/11/2023 21:12

Op you did the right thing checking. Your gut told you and you listened. You don’t need to justify yourself.

You may be exhausted but my guess is you are less shocked. Use this composure to make a rational decision.

Nelly10 · 02/11/2023 21:13

Sorry op but just bin him and stop wasting your life.

he’s a liar and a cheat and you can’t trust him.

you deserve better and will find better in time.

VeridicalVagabond · 02/11/2023 21:13

I don't think the context even matters, the only acceptable amount of contact between him and the woman he was fucking behind your back is zero contact.

The only correct response to her messaging him would be to tell you immediately, ignore it and block her.

This isn't a man who's sorry, this is a man who's sorry he got caught.

Original poster

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:14

Just wanted to say thanks for all the responses. I can’t reply individually but I do appreciate it x

I’m wondering if the ‘I know I haven’t been perfect’ is relating to something he’s done since or could just be referring to the affair originally. Either way I know it’s not great. I never expected this so far down the line.

OP posts:

Delphinium20 · 02/11/2023 21:14

Is it worth it to be with a man who still pines and is in love with another woman even if he's working on your marriage? I think it would be better to split now, grieve and then move on. You're still young.

GoodnightJude1 · 02/11/2023 21:14

He doesn’t need to ‘let her down gently’

He wasn’t married to her…..

sunlover1123 · 02/11/2023 21:15

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:58

@sunlover1123 I haven’t been checking regularly, it’s just I had a sense something was off. I don’t want to confront yet as I don’t know if it would be worth it, hearing a load of excuses. Just need to think and figure out my next move. I go from being so angry to just exhausted with it.

I completely understand, I really do. Take all the time to think it over. Only you know what is right for your situation. Once trust us broken it is very hard to repair. You have my support and clearly a lot of support from the MN team ❤️

MissedItByThisMuch · 02/11/2023 21:15

@BlushTeddy Ive been there (I’m still there) - year long affair 18 months ago, it’s awful isn’t it? So I’m not in the “once a cheater etc…” camp like much of MN. But this really does sound like he’s hedging his bets here - it’s hardly an unequivocal “not interested” even if she messaged him first is it? And why is her number still on his phone? Why isn’t she blocked?

My ground rules for staying were NO contact with OW (apart from a short time of strictly work contact which was unavoidable), any approach from her or accidental contact I need to be informed, and any response had to be cold and unequivocal along the lines of “I’m committed to my marriage, please don’t contact me again”. He also deleted and blocked her number while I watched.

It doesn’t sound to me like he’s done the work on himself required for him to be a safe partner.

Cas112 · 02/11/2023 21:17

Sorry but I would be furious..

I definitely would be ending it now after giving him another try. What is the need to even message OW, that's disrespectful I'm it's self not matter whether he's doing it to 'let her down gently' which he's clearly not

1990thatsme · 02/11/2023 21:18

I’m so sorry OP but he told you she was blocked and that was another lie.

You can’t have a real relationship with someone you can’t trust.

TinyKittenPaw · 02/11/2023 21:18

TBF without knowing the other messages in the chain it could change the context, if she contacted him first and said she missed him, would he like to meet up etc. And he responded that he missed her too, but he made the decision to stay and he’s trying to live up to his commitment to you and your DC.

I wouldn’t like to read the fact he missed her though, but we probably all have an ex we miss from time to time, the issue here is she was an ex during your marriage!

Hiddenvoice · 02/11/2023 21:18

I think the main issue is he’s still in contact with her, doesn’t matter really what was said. He could have chosen to ignore her but he hasn’t.

I think he’s unblocked her which shows he’s messaged her first really- it’s very unlikely that she’s constantly reaching out in the hope that a message finally goes through to him.
(I’ve deleted and blocked numbers before- all I I need to do is go onto my blocked list to find the number and it’s still there. I don’t need to add it to my contacts. As long as I block it again if I choose to message the person then technically I still have their number)

I think you’re dwelling too much on what he’s said and what it could mean. My dh cheated and I know how heart breaking it all is but at the end of the day He’s reached out again to her. Anyone who was putting their wife and family first would just ignore the ow completely and not engage in any way, even if it makes them look heartless to the ow, he should be thinking of you first.

Kellogg1 · 02/11/2023 21:18

This far down the line in repairing your marriage he shouldn’t even be entertaining a reply if he is committed to you. Whether it’s polite or not.
Attention is attention and he’s sent a message to a woman he has previously had an affair with knowing that it’s the wrong thing to do. He hasn’t told you about it which is even more telling.

You'll honestly look back in a few years and think why the hell did I put up with the stress and anxiety he causes. Get rid.

Saggypants · 02/11/2023 21:19

It sounds like whatever you say or do, when the time is right for him he'll be leaving. For whatever reason it's just not convenient for him at the moment, so he's putting in some effort to keeping things sweet with you.

I'm sorry. Don't feel stupid for trying to see the best in people and fighting for your family. He's the one who should be feeling shit.

Kellogg1 · 02/11/2023 21:20

He’s also clearly gone out of his way to unblock her. I’ve only ever done that if I’ve wanted somebody to contact me. It’s like saying “hi I’m still here and thought of you”

FedUpMumof10YO · 02/11/2023 21:20

If you stay together, you're always gonna get that 'feeling'. Damage has been done.

Original poster

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:21

TinyKittenPaw · 02/11/2023 21:18

I wouldn’t like to read the fact he missed her though, but we probably all have an ex we miss from time to time, the issue here is she was an ex during your marriage!

Yeah I get that…and it’s a possibility… but it’s the ‘I’m trying’ bit. Like it’s soooo hard. Just made me so angry. And also… his decision to stay. Like he called all the shots.

OP posts:

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