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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Itsnotchristmasyet · 02/11/2023 21:21

sunlover1123 · 02/11/2023 20:55

It’s been two years and what strikes me most in the post is that you are checking his messages still. Deep down I think you still don’t trust him and clearly rightly so! We tend to sense this stuff sometimes.

like others have said - it should have been a clean break from OW after being caught and is normally one of the requirements when you start counselling.

I’d confront him and find out why he did messaged her.

This is very true!

I’ve never checked a partners phone and when you feel you need to (whether they’re actually cheating or not) then the relationship is doomed.

You don’t trust him.
It doesn’t actually matter if he’s letting her down gently or stringing her along.
If you don’t trust someone, you cannot be in a relationship with them.

Tighginn · 02/11/2023 21:23

Print off the message, pop it in your bag for your next counselling session, when asked how have things been, I would had it over to your councillor to read. Or if online, email it a few hours before the session without telling him.

FairyMaclary · 02/11/2023 21:23

In my opinion I know I haven’t been perfect is him fishing.

Oh Johnny you are perfect. I’ve missed you so much toooooo. What we had was twu luv. Romeo and Juliet nonsense (Titania and Bottom is more apt with an affair).

Cosywintertime · 02/11/2023 21:24

Oh op. This is very hard. You know you’re not letting someone down gently if they split two years ago. And you said you knew something was off, so you checked. What was that something?

he sounds like he is trying to stay in his marriage , is not finding it easy and has been with her since. I don’t know if that’s enough for you.

you’ve three young kids, are you financially secure. Is this ending something you can do, or do you feel you need to stay in for money, home etc?

Specso · 02/11/2023 21:26

LifeExperience · 02/11/2023 21:10

He's either back with her or wants to be, OP. I'm so sorry.

This. Stop wasting your time and effort. You’ve tried and he’s still messaging her 2 years later.

It hurts like hell but your future self won’t thank you if you waste even more years after finding this out.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 02/11/2023 21:26

@BlushTeddy are you still having counselling?

PastorCarrBonarra · 02/11/2023 21:27

If it were innocent and he was trying to let her down gently he’d have told you that she’d messaged I think, and asked you for an opinion on how his response should look. Honesty and full disclosure - this is how it works after an affair.

But…..He’s enjoying the secrecy for some reason. It could be ego or they could be in a relationship again.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:28

Cosywintertime · 02/11/2023 21:24

Oh op. This is very hard. You know you’re not letting someone down gently if they split two years ago. And you said you knew something was off, so you checked. What was that something?

he sounds like he is trying to stay in his marriage , is not finding it easy and has been with her since. I don’t know if that’s enough for you.

you’ve three young kids, are you financially secure. Is this ending something you can do, or do you feel you need to stay in for money, home etc?

Well exactly and he shouldn’t have to ‘try’ like it’s all some terrible hardship for him.

I do work as well and we could manage financially with a split but things would be tight. It’s not why I’m staying. I thought he was sorry and that we could work through it. And that would be best for our DC. They deserve better than this as a role model. I don’t want someone staying because they feel they have to ‘try’ to be with me. And that they’re doing their best.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:30

@CameleonAreFightingBack not on my own anymore, but we have been together. Not as frequently as before.

OP posts:
ncob · 02/11/2023 21:30

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:21

Yeah I get that…and it’s a possibility… but it’s the ‘I’m trying’ bit. Like it’s soooo hard. Just made me so angry. And also… his decision to stay. Like he called all the shots.

Show quote history

I think you are reading into/emphasising bits that he probably didnt put any thought into here OP.

FWIW I think it could be either way but I'm leaning towards it being innocent. My gut says she reached out (or even if he had it may have been innocent). Yes he misses her and this bit would definitely make me angry but also can you really control that feeling? ... It will probably fade over time, its probably not to abnormal to feel that to an extent (he had an affair wit hher afterall) but really horrible for you to read. As @TinyKittenPaw said, we all miss certain exes (or even platonic relationships) from time to time.

I wouldnt read into the "trying", I think he's trying to firm up that hes committed to you and the family. Its been 2 years after all. That said, I'd probably be vigilent and cautious though.

aloadofbowlocks · 02/11/2023 21:32

Epidote · 02/11/2023 21:10

I disagree with @aloadofbowlocks I think the only reason people have affairs is because they feel entitled to deeply disrespect their partners.

You are very wrong. Affairs are generally a symptom of something very wrong with the primary relationship. Things are more nuanced than MN would have it. The OP's situation is one that only she can really know and understand, and I hope she finds a way through it.

Gcsunnyside23 · 02/11/2023 21:33

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:42

Could have been an attempt to let her down gently though? Just so annoying I don’t know the context as I can’t see everything that was said beforehand. I feel so stupid.

Show quote history

I don't think so. He shouldn't even be talking to her never mind letting her down gently. I'm sorry he's putting you through this again

Mylifesanightmare · 02/11/2023 21:33

Have you thought about copying her number from your husband’s phone and sending her a message yourself?
Say you’ve seen some messages as d want clarity… ask her if she’s been seeing your him again.
She may not want to answer but at least she’ll know you’re onto her…

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 21:33

Like he called all the shots. But he did because you stayed with him?

But that is neither here nor there.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that while he maybe likes to keep the other woman nearby, he doesn't want her enough to leave you and the life he has.
It is hard to break free from an emotional affair and I think that while his message means he misses her (because he does miss her), that he has chosen you.

I can guess the context in which it was written. He got lonely/drunk/down and reached out saying hi. They chatted online/texted and when it was time to stop the chat, he said what you found in the message. He's saying it to convince himself more than to state the obvious to her ie that he has chosen to stay with you.
The main problem you have is why he reached out to her again? Or replied to her if she messaged him? Is this something you can bring up in counselling so he can tell you why he contacted her?

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 21:40

It was his decision to stay' - I translate as 'my wife didn't kick me out'. Find self respect OP

Imelda03 · 02/11/2023 21:40

The point here is that despite him “trying”, he has clearly been in touch with her recently and you had to find out rather than him tell you. It doesn’t matter the whole context or how many messages or why.

He has already broken your trust with the affair. He is clearly still speaking to her so what is it that’s keeping you with him?

What will be your limit to his behaviour? when will you consider that he finally crossed the line if not now?

I ask this as you are doing lots of guess work and wondering the what’s and whys to make sense of it but for what?? you have all you need to know right infront of you to decide one way or another. Because let’s be really frank, there can be no acceptable excuse for his reconnection with her,….not even “letting her down easily”.

He had an affair…you stayed…..he’s now speaking to his other woman again.

If you value his worth over yours, you will stay and find reasons to justify his continual behaviour.

If you realise your worth and that of your babies you don’t even ask him why, you pack his stuff or you leave and build a new life built on respect, boundaries and a clear sense of being nobody’s fool……

You know the saying…fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and all that jaz

good luck …sending hugs your way xx

Cosywintertime · 02/11/2023 21:44

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 21:40

It was his decision to stay' - I translate as 'my wife didn't kick me out'. Find self respect OP

quite often I find on here practicalities take precedence over self respect, hence why I asked the op if she’s financially solvent and independent and if ending her marriage is actually an option she feels she has.

Cosywintertime · 02/11/2023 21:46

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:28

Well exactly and he shouldn’t have to ‘try’ like it’s all some terrible hardship for him.

I do work as well and we could manage financially with a split but things would be tight. It’s not why I’m staying. I thought he was sorry and that we could work through it. And that would be best for our DC. They deserve better than this as a role model. I don’t want someone staying because they feel they have to ‘try’ to be with me. And that they’re doing their best.

Show quote history

Sorry missed this, so you’ve stayed after finding out about a long term affair, now 2 years later you’ve found out he’s still in contact with her, you found it the other day, still have said nothing to him, just pretending you don’t onow and trying to convince yourself he’s only now, 2 years later, letting her down?

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 02/11/2023 21:48

I read it more as a gentle let down message. It would still be completely crossing the line but that's how I read it.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:49

Cosywintertime · 02/11/2023 21:46

Sorry missed this, so you’ve stayed after finding out about a long term affair, now 2 years later you’ve found out he’s still in contact with her, you found it the other day, still have said nothing to him, just pretending you don’t onow and trying to convince yourself he’s only now, 2 years later, letting her down?

Show quote history

Only letting her down if she’d maybe contacted him first but I can’t be sure she did, and also, why would he feels he owes her anything now this far down the line?

OP posts:
Nambypambypoo · 02/11/2023 21:50

I agree, he didn’t love the other woman to leave for her, if at all. But he didn’t love his wife enough to be faithful or start afresh properly and stay away from this OW. This is probably because men like this don’t really love anyone, I don’t believe they are capable of real love, he is most likely only in love with himself.

Namerequired · 02/11/2023 21:53

It sounds to me like he’s putting the feelers out tbh. Either way I wouldn’t be happy. She should be blocked as a minimum.

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 21:54

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:49

Only letting her down if she’d maybe contacted him first but I can’t be sure she did, and also, why would he feels he owes her anything now this far down the line?

Show quote history

He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

To me, he sounds like he wants two women fight for him (and to use both)

Otherwise, he wouldn't have put thing I've put in bold

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/11/2023 21:54

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:49

Only letting her down if she’d maybe contacted him first but I can’t be sure she did, and also, why would he feels he owes her anything now this far down the line?

Show quote history

She could have contacted him. It might have been a special date, she could have heard a song that reminded her of him. You might have just read his reply? You asked why would he bother replying? Because at one stage they had feelings for one another. It doesn't mean he's going to or wants to run back to her. It just means he doesn't dislike her enough to ghost her particularly if she (presuming its now her message) mentioned a memory in her message to him?
You're reading too much into his language and the word 'trying' in particular imo. Its a word people use that is a little gentler than stating he is with you and staying with you......It isn't 'wrong'.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 21:56

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 21:54

He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

To me, he sounds like he wants two women fight for him (and to use both)

Otherwise, he wouldn't have put thing I've put in bold

Show quote history

It was me who put it in bold 😂 sorry should have been clear. But it angered me!

OP posts: