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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:09

coldcallerbaiter · 02/11/2023 20:08

Is the OW single or us she in a relationship? If so what’s the state if it and does the other party know?

She was single when they were seeing each other but it’s been two years so who knows 😕

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 02/11/2023 20:10

If he was in a relationship with her for a year then it's natural he will miss her, no doubt about that, feelings don't just disappear.
But if he'd committed himself to stay with you and make the marriage work I would have hoped - expected - him to have no further contact with her at all. So him still messaging her would be a betrayal in my opinion.
Are you still having the counselling? Could you use the next session to ask him how he thinks things are going in the relationship, whether he is still committed to you, and say that you've seen the message?

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:13

@HoHoHoliday yes let alone not messaging, I thought she was blocked. It’s been ages. I can’t even believe I’m dealing with this again.

we have 3 young DSs and I don’t want things to erupt during half term with them here so I would wait until next week to say anything anyway. I need to get my head straight first.

OP posts:
LunaDeBallona · 02/11/2023 20:16

I think you are torturing yourself with ‘who messaged who first’.
I don’t think you will ever get a 100% truthful answer to that.
I also think you are clutching at straws with your mind tryimg to justify his message.
The most telling part for me was your ‘gut feeling’. We need to listen to our gut feelings more and trust them. You know him as well as anybody - what is your gut telling you to do?
I think sometimes people are very quick to shout LTB on here - it’s such an easy thing to say you would do on a faceless forum. But ultimately only you can decide if this message/contact is a step too far and if you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.
Sleep on it and listen to your own self, your intuition- what is it saying to you?
I wish you all the luck and hope you come through this a happy, strong woman.

CaroleSinger · 02/11/2023 20:16

The question you need to ask is why would he even need to message anything full stop? He doesn't need to let her down gently, he already chose you didn't he? Don't fool yourself that there must have been a perfectly reasonable explanation. There really isn't. She was meant to be in the past but he's telling her he still misses her. That's not a good sign.

RubyGemStone · 02/11/2023 20:16

Either scenario, response or him initiating, there must have been contact in the interim. There simply has to have been ongoing communication for this to occur.

I don't know what I'd do, but I think you need to be clear about what you want. 2 years later, and a strange feeling means you know its her, how long can this woman be a presence in your relationship?!

Crocadoodledoo · 02/11/2023 20:17

What a betrayal! So sorry, OP.

Sounds like he’s in love with her but he’s staying with you for now because of the kids, house, lifestyle etc.

You deserve a guy who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread- not one who messages his former affair partner wringing his hands about missing them and ‘making it work’ with you.

Don’t go through life being some cheating bloke’s consolation prize.

Aria2015 · 02/11/2023 20:17

Forget the content of the message for a minute and just focus on the fact that 2 years after you discovering his 1 year affair (betraying you horribly), and you investing time, effort and emotion into counselling to give him another chance, he's messaged her. Does it matter what he said? Does it matter if she messaged first or he did?

It's not the actions of someone who is giving their everything to make their marriage work. If he was giving it his everything there would be no message. Do you want to keep trying with someone who isn't grabbing this second chance with both hands and giving it everything they have? That's the real question...

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 20:18

1 - He should not be in contact with her at all.
2 - He should have told you if she had contacted him.

Therefore, he is not on your side. He is only on his side. You can not trust him.

TammyJones · 02/11/2023 20:18

At the end of the day he chose you.
He did not love her enough ti be with her.
You are the wife.
But you do need to talk to him about this.
A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what's going off in his head.
It's only been a year.
Recovery after an affair takes a long time, is hard work, but it is quite possible to build a new relationship that is even better, stronger than before.
If you have children I can't think of a better reason to try.

snickersandmarsandbounty · 02/11/2023 20:19

If he was really serious she would have been blocked and her contact erased from his phone. This surely should have been the first thing he did?

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 20:20

At the end of the day he chose you.

No. He chose himself. People who have affairs only choose themselves.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:20

@TammyJones its been two years. I guess maybe the cracks are starting to reappear. And I thought we were fixing it.

OP posts:
Itsnotchristmasyet · 02/11/2023 20:21

I could be wrong but my first thought was that she’s messaged him saying she’s missed him etc and he’s being nice but letting her know that there’s no chance.

He could have deleted her number.

You cannot delete and block someone.

If you block them, you’ve still got their number.
If you delete them, you don’t have their number but they can still contact you.

Firebug007 · 02/11/2023 20:22

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:42

Could have been an attempt to let her down gently though? Just so annoying I don’t know the context as I can’t see everything that was said beforehand. I feel so stupid.

Show quote history

But surely he let her down 2 years ago when he broke it off so why the need to text it now? I think you've seen his real feelings tbh 💐 xx

pearshapedmim · 02/11/2023 20:24

TammyJones · 02/11/2023 20:18

At the end of the day he chose you.
He did not love her enough ti be with her.
You are the wife.
But you do need to talk to him about this.
A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what's going off in his head.
It's only been a year.
Recovery after an affair takes a long time, is hard work, but it is quite possible to build a new relationship that is even better, stronger than before.
If you have children I can't think of a better reason to try.

I really don't agree at all. Also the op said 2 years.

Yes it takes time to recover but he doesn't seem to be trying at all. If anything, he's just taking op for a complete mug. Why should she have spent 2 years of her life trying to repair the damage that he created when he does things like this?

Both parties need to put the work in to keep the marriage going. She needs to learn to trust him and try get over the past. He needs to be spending every day doing whatever it takes to help her get to the point where their marriage is stronger than ever.

This is ops life. This is not fair. She could of left and been 2 years down the line free of all this.

SofiYol · 02/11/2023 20:24

TammyJones · 02/11/2023 20:18

At the end of the day he chose you.
He did not love her enough ti be with her.
You are the wife.
But you do need to talk to him about this.
A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what's going off in his head.
It's only been a year.
Recovery after an affair takes a long time, is hard work, but it is quite possible to build a new relationship that is even better, stronger than before.
If you have children I can't think of a better reason to try.

You make him sound like some kind of prize that the OP “won”.

itsanopefromme · 02/11/2023 20:24

Sad that he wants to 'let her down gently' ie is worried about her feelings, when absolutely every worry he has should be that your feelings are not hurt again. And they now are.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Susieb2023 · 02/11/2023 20:25

@TammyJones this is NOT reconciliation. This is a man deeply selfish and entitled who still feels that his wife’s pain is nothing compared to his desire for ego kibbles and validation from his affair partner. Until he does some real work he’s just an unsafe partner.

NeedToChangeName · 02/11/2023 20:26

TammyJones · 02/11/2023 20:18

At the end of the day he chose you.
He did not love her enough ti be with her.
You are the wife.
But you do need to talk to him about this.
A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what's going off in his head.
It's only been a year.
Recovery after an affair takes a long time, is hard work, but it is quite possible to build a new relationship that is even better, stronger than before.
If you have children I can't think of a better reason to try.

Totally disagree

He hasn't chosen OP, or at least not totally if he's still sending message(s) to the OW that he misses her

I'd say he's keeping his options open, not totally committing to either of these women

Whattodo112222 · 02/11/2023 20:27

Think you're trying to look for a way to avoid the truth. It doesn't look good OP.

financialcareerstuff · 02/11/2023 20:28

OP, 'I haven't been perfect' sounds very much like he has reached out to her periodically at very least, or actually been unfaithful during these two years. Very Sorry. ☹️

Do you actually have the whole text verbatim?

Moonshine160 · 02/11/2023 20:29

They shouldn’t still be contacting each other AT ALL. It sounds very worrying, OP. So sorry you’re through this but I wouldn’t be able to stay with him.

financialcareerstuff · 02/11/2023 20:29

And you know it almost doesn't matter what he was saying to her, he should have reported it to you. ...

I'm sure you had an agreement around full disclosure and no contact with her? He's broken both of those even if he's done nothing else.....

Azandme · 02/11/2023 20:29

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:05

I’d be more confident it was letting down gently if I could be sure she’d messaged first or knew what she’d said but I don’t.

the ‘I know I haven’t been perfect’ but makes me think he’s done something else. Or wasn’t just her. But then also he keeps saying he’s committed. I’m just wondering if I’m clutching at straws here.

Show quote history

The "I know I haven't been perfect" says to me he's been back there, at the very least emotionally, but is now telling her it's over. Again.

I read it as he hasn't been perfect in his recommitment to you, but he's drawing the line again.

Whatever it is NOONE tells their ex from two years ago they still miss them when they are in a faithful relationship.

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