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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:31

financialcareerstuff · 02/11/2023 20:28

OP, 'I haven't been perfect' sounds very much like he has reached out to her periodically at very least, or actually been unfaithful during these two years. Very Sorry. ☹️

Do you actually have the whole text verbatim?

Yes I saw the whole message, it wasn’t long. Those were they key bits really. Just really sounded like this whole thing with me and trying to fix things has been a chore for him, but then He probably has some incentive for making it seem that way to her in case he’s keeping her on the back burner.

it was a couple of months ago and nothing since that I’ve seen but I don’t know.

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 02/11/2023 20:33

Saying you are trying is also not a commitment.... you could easily add the word "for now" on there.

thecatinthetwat · 02/11/2023 20:38

I’m not sure why he would need to let her down gently after two years. I also think it’s an acceptable message in the aftermath but not two years later, even if she messaged first. Sorry op.

Miss93 · 02/11/2023 20:39

The thing is though he shouldn't be messaging her while going to counselling with you.
It just makes a mockery of you forgiving him.

I think you need to talk to someone,get everything sorted in your head and divorce him.
He's never going to be faithful and you can't sit there waiting for it happen again.
Cause he's broken that promise already about contacting her,you're better off getting in first.

FairyMaclary · 02/11/2023 20:39

Op he isn’t a candidate for reconciliation. A true candidate would have handed his phone over and said ‘x has tried to contact me, I’m really sorry this is still affecting your life, how shall WE respond’.

Mr ego kibbles wants extra validation from people. This is because he has not resolved the issues he has. The issues that means his faithfulness is conditional and his integrity is lacking. He hasn’t explored why he chose to cheat and why he made vows that he didn’t believe in.

There is an upside - you trusted your gut. This means you no longer blindly trust him and you can sense when Mr Kibbles is lying.

You now have the upper hand. Get yourself in front of a solicitor. Do not confront Mr Kibbles instead serve him divorce papers. Calmly. If you cannot leave financially spend the next few months getting yourself secure. The only way he will ever change is if he wants to change. You need to get yourself out of this charade. You control your actions. Meeting someone’s needs or forgiving them doesn’t give them self worth or integrity. That’s on him and he is incapable of self control, self soothing, self validation, honesty, loyalty, etc etc.

Being prepared to lose the marriage is the only way you will have an inkling of a chance to save the marriage. He cannot explain his way out of this. He is a proven liar. He should have shown you immediately. He cannot justify. You forgave him once. Serve him papers. If he wants to fix himself, he can win you back.

Riverlee · 02/11/2023 20:39

Optimistic reason - she messaged him, and he replied and was trying to be kind to her. One off message.

Negative reason - they’ve been messaging on and off. Not good - shouldn’t be any communication. However, it implies he still thinks of her, but has chosen to be with you, how ever hard this is.

Azandme · 02/11/2023 20:40

If he was truly sorry, and truly committed to you and your marriage then there would be no reason to message.

He knows how much he hurt you, and he's messaged her again after you had the grace to not immediately divorce him?

He's an utter bastard who does not respect you, nor appreciate the second chance you gave him and that he clearly did not deserve.

If he was truly determined to repair your marriage NOTHING would make him risk it again, and any contact is just that.

In your shoes I'd be 100% done. He doesn't value you enough to not contact his affair partner. Fuck. That.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/11/2023 20:41

CaroleSinger · 02/11/2023 20:16

The question you need to ask is why would he even need to message anything full stop? He doesn't need to let her down gently, he already chose you didn't he? Don't fool yourself that there must have been a perfectly reasonable explanation. There really isn't. She was meant to be in the past but he's telling her he still misses her. That's not a good sign.

Edited

This. He didn’t have to message her back and he did.

And the missing her bit too. He’d have blocked and deleted her number if he really wanted no contact. And if she got a new number he’d have done the same on that.

You’re trying to fix something now which is definitely broken, best to get a divorce so you can move on with your life. You and your children deserve better than this.

FairyMaclary · 02/11/2023 20:43

Sorry there is no optimistic reason. Not one. If he was remorseful and not wanting smoke blowing up his arse or to keep her dangling on a string he would have shown you. And blocked her. ‘Do not contact me again, if you do I will report as harassment’.

Dont mention it. Google the hard 180.

Epidote · 02/11/2023 20:46

I don't think he is leaving her gently. I think he is testing her to win an ego bust and if applicable a few shags on the side.

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 20:50

I'm 'trying' to make it work with my wife= I'm open to other possibilities. Angry

Nambypambypoo · 02/11/2023 20:50

You had a bad feeling, trust your gut. Why would he be letting her down gently, he should have been doing that two years ago not two months ago. It seems he is trying to initiate contact again or remain in contact. He is making it sound to the OW like he has only stayed with you because of an old
promise he made, not because he truly wants to be with you, he is trying to keep her sweet. You seem to be, sadly, trying to find excuses for him because you don’t want it to be true. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I have been strung along similarly before and wish I hadn’t been for so long, I wasted many years wanting to believe.

Orio2023 · 02/11/2023 20:51

We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard

For you, yes. It’s not been hard for him, he’s had a positive experience having sex with someone else. And he’s still in contact.

As is often the case, you’ve had a fake reconciliation.

jenny38 · 02/11/2023 20:52

ask him. It’s not appropriate for him to be having contact with her, so ask him why he would risk everything. Ask him in a counselling session if you have one planned perhaps. I am angry on your behalf.

RantyAnty · 02/11/2023 20:53

Unfortunately, I think he's more biding his time rather than being truly committed. He doesn't want the financial hit of a divorce.
He has a cushy life right now.

He's the type that will wait until the kids are older and bail.

Sugargliderwombat · 02/11/2023 20:54

OP, he deleted the messages. He knows he shouldn't be messaging and he's doing it anyway. why hasn't he blocked her if he is trying so hard ?

sunlover1123 · 02/11/2023 20:55

It’s been two years and what strikes me most in the post is that you are checking his messages still. Deep down I think you still don’t trust him and clearly rightly so! We tend to sense this stuff sometimes.

like others have said - it should have been a clean break from OW after being caught and is normally one of the requirements when you start counselling.

I’d confront him and find out why he did messaged her.

workshy46 · 02/11/2023 20:57

Sounds like he is staying out of duty, not because he wants to. Not a great recipe for success and Id wager he will leave you eventually , maybe for her or someone else when the kids are a bit older. To message after two years saying he misses her means one of two things. He still has v deep feelings for her or his romantic feelings for you are gone and he's wistfully thinking back to the last time he was "in love"
Either way for me it would be over. I'd start planning your exit so at least things can be on your own terms

Snazzysausage · 02/11/2023 20:57

She's still in his head to the point where he's in contact with her. After 2 years and numerous counselling sessions with you. That's not letting her down gently I'm afraid.💐

GettingColdFeet · 02/11/2023 20:57

Honestly, neither of the options you've suggested for the message are good. Why has he deleted a chain of innocent messages? or... Why has he messaged her out of the blue to say he misses her?

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 20:58

@sunlover1123 I haven’t been checking regularly, it’s just I had a sense something was off. I don’t want to confront yet as I don’t know if it would be worth it, hearing a load of excuses. Just need to think and figure out my next move. I go from being so angry to just exhausted with it.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 02/11/2023 20:58

It sounds like they are still meeting from time to time (haven't been perfect comment)

I think if he is there for the kids in 15 years time you will find yourself alone and him gone . Don't let him use you this way. send him packing now and reset and restart your life, young enough to find someone else if that is what you want.

Don't be second best.

beatrix1234 · 02/11/2023 21:02

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:42

Could have been an attempt to let her down gently though? Just so annoying I don’t know the context as I can’t see everything that was said beforehand. I feel so stupid.

Show quote history

Nah, the right response would have been to block her or tell her something in the lines of "sorry but I don't think we should be communicating as I'm working out on my family and my marriage. Ciao". But he told her he really misses her. Personally I wouldn't want to be with a man who really misses another woman, but that's just me. The two are going to continue communicating and it's always going to be in the back of your mind, you're going to be doing a lot of phone snooping and that's no way to live. The trust is gone.

GodDammitCecil · 02/11/2023 21:03

Why would he be ‘letting her down gently’ nearly two years after the event?

It doesn’t make any sense.

HowAmYa · 02/11/2023 21:03

Does it matter??

Who messaged first? Who said what before and after?

It doesn't matter what it says. He CHOSE to contact her. When she's supposed to be blocked.

Its harsh but wake up and smell the roses. He's a pig and you deserve so much better.
You actually gave him a second chance when he didn't deserve it. Don't fall for anything he says. He got given a lifeline to stay, and he's just broken something that should be zero tolerance in a relationship being rebuilt after cheating.

You're worth more than this.x